


bring your love, baby, i could bring my shame

by aestheticzjm



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Dom Niall, Dom/sub Undertones, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Smut, Sub Zayn, btw this fic is just one walking cliche, dw it's not much, i kno nothing about college so like um, larry and lilo are strOng in this oh, larry/lilo are the side ships oh, this is my first actual chaptered work omg, u should read this even tho it sucks pce, z is pretty fucked up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-03 23:11:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 72,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6630940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aestheticzjm/pseuds/aestheticzjm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an au in which zayn's got a lot of issues, niall is the human personification of sunshine, harry is more selfless than he needs to be, liam is hopelessly in love, louis doesn't know who he wants and they're all kind of clueless.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. four letters is never the question

**Author's Note:**

> i genuinely apologize for this mess but there's been such a lack of ziall fics lately and like, i needed to write for them so!!!  
> i do not have a beta so all mistakes are my own, and i do apologize if there are any because i am a mess!! :,,) 
> 
> i've never done any chaptered fics before but i thought i'd give it a try since school's ending soon and i'll probably be able to put some time in this?? i think updates will come every week, hopefully???  
> btw the first few chapters are just gonna be fillers so like, it'll get more eventful soon i promise pce out!!! xo  
> also let me kno if u want me to continue this bc i'm still not so sure so!!

"Yer' staring again, mate," Niall says with a little bit of a chuckle, eyes flickering over to where Liam's gaze is focused solely on Louis. They're in English Lit, and their professor has already moved Louis to the front because apparently they're "too loud", which is ridiculous because they're in college and everyone still thinks they act like three year olds. ( _Maybe they do,_ but that's not anyone's business but their own).

Liam lets out a rather dramatic sigh as he looks over to Niall, running a hand through his hair. "Not like he's ever gonna notice," he murmurs, eyes flickering down to the table.

"Someone's back to their pessimistic self," Niall comments with a roll of his eyes, but they both know he's actually being apologetic, when he pats Liam comfortingly on the arm. "Y'know it could happen, mate. It's not like he's ever proper considered it and that's because ye' refuse to make a move," Niall comments with a glance towards Louis, who looks absolutely disgruntled about being separated from them.

"Drop it, we all know nothing's gonna happen between us anytime soon," Liam says with a small, self-deprecating smile and Niall's eyebrows knit into a light frown, but he doesn't say anything else on the subject.

Liam, Louis and Niall go way back to when the three of them were in high school together, where they became best mates the first time they talked to each other. In fact, they became so close that they all agreed to apply to the same college together, and luckily enough, they were all accepted. Liam did have better options, but the thought of going to college without his best friends wasn't something he wanted to do, (which really did show that Liam was the biggest softie alive), and that was how they all wound up at the same uni together. A year into uni, and they were all still as close as ever; the thing is, for the majority of the time that they've known each other, which was, admittedly, quite a long time, Liam's had this major crush on Louis. "Major crush" was probably a bit of an understatement for how the brunette felt about Louis, and Niall's been trusted with every detail of that "crush" since high school. Liam's always been worried about their friendship being at stake which explains why he's never tried to make a move. Although they don't talk about it, they both know that Liam's not Louis' type anyways, and he probably wouldn't ever go for Liam if they weren't friends.  

Niall hated how obvious Liam's pining was, and it was even worse that Louis never noticed and talked about all of his latest flings and hook ups and flaunted his relationships in front of the two, and he just _hated_ the way Liam's eyes would dim and his face would fall, and how his ridiculous eyebrows would droop, because seeing Liam sad was the equivalent of seeing a puppy being kicked.

Liam's about to say something else but the door to the room opens, and the college administrator walks in with these two guys behind him. The administrator exchanges a few words with the professor, and Niall glances at the guys that also walked in and his eyes widen rather comically.

There's two of them; the taller one's got these gorgeous brown curls and green eyes. He's tall and obviously very toned, and he's got these absolutely _obscene_ lips. Niall notices that Louis' turned around a bit and he's looking at Niall. Louis gestures over to the tall one and he gives him a rather obvious appreciative up-down, and raises his eyebrows a bit at Niall with a little smirk and a not so discreet thumbs up.

The first thing the blonde does is look over at Liam to make sure that he hasn't noticed, and he hasn't, but Niall _knows_ the way Liam's looking at the brunette means that he knows that he's _exactly_ Louis' type.  

Niall's gaze flickers over to the other boy and his breath catches in his throat. He's _beautiful,_ and he's got these strong, defined features that Niall's already drawn to. He's clearly not from this part of London, his skin a tone that wasn't common around the area, but still nice and tanned. His golden eyes are framed with these _eyelashes,_ that Niall can see even from where he's sitting. He's got these really nice, full lips and his hair is styled messily atop his head, but it's clear it took him some time. He's the most beautiful person Niall's seen in a while, and it's not the blonde's fault that he can't stop _staring._

Niall glances over as the administrator leaves the classroom with another word, and the professor turns back to the class, the two (beautiful) boys still awkwardly standing there. "Alright, class. We've got two new students this year. Would you like to introduce yourself, boys?" The professor turns to the two of them, and Niall's eyebrows raise a bit in interest as he leans forward a tad.

"I'm Harry Styles, I'm from Cheshire, and uh, I'm majoring in computer science," The boy, _Harry,_ finishes, and he's definitely got the Cheshire accent, his voice deep and slow, and rather hard to keep up with, despite the fact that he's only spoken a few words.

When Louis is into someone, he's not shy about taking what he wants and Louis always gets what he wants. Niall can already see the way Louis' hooked on to every word Harry's saying, and he knows Liam can see it too, and Niall already knows that this boy is definitely gonna change _something_ , which is great for Louis but not so much for Liam.

Niall's glance flickers back over to the other boy, biting down on his lower lip once he begins talking. "Um, I'm Zayn Malik, I'm from Bradford, and my major is English," Niall almost falls over at the boy's accent, extremely thick and nice and warm.

The professor apparently doesn't have any more time to waste, as he gestures for the boys to sit anywhere they'd like. And of course, Harry goes over to sit next to Louis, and Zayn follows him. Niall doesn't even bother looking at Liam because he already knows what he's thinking and what his face is gonna look like, instead eyeing the back of Zayn's head and watching with a small hint of a smile as Louis starts talking to the two of them. He had a rather distinct feeling that they were gonna have some new friends by the end of the lesson.


	2. i'd love to hold you close, tonight and always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! i've managed to keep my promise with the upload of this chapter and it's sort of another short filler but i think it'll get more interesting (hopefully) and definitely longer after this!! :-)  
> i wanted to make sure there wasn't any confusion or anything btw, so here are some notes just in casee!!
> 
> • harry moved to bradford from cheshire during first year of college and that's where he met zayn.  
> • liam and louis both originally lived in doncaster (where they went to middle school) and niall moved from mullingar to doncaster, where he started middle school with the other two. they also went to high school there.  
> • now they all go to college together in london.

 Liam's silent for the rest of the lesson, and so is Niall, but probably for different reasons. The thing is, they can both clearly see the way Louis' very blatantly flirting with Harry and Niall knows it's affecting Liam. Zayn seems disinterested for the most part though, leaning away from their conversation and focusing on the teacher instead. It can't be that odd though, considering Zayn's apparently majoring in the subject they're in.

Once the lesson is over, both Liam and Niall grab their things and make their way down the stairs of the room, to where a very satisfied-looking Louis is stood with Harry and Zayn.

And _holy fuck_ , Zayn is even fitter up close, how had Niall not noticed his cheekbones earlier? His features are so chiseled, and his jaw is so nicely defined, and just _everything_ about him is even more perfect than Niall had previously thought. Niall's probably been staring a beat too long, so he averts his gaze, looking at Louis instead.

"Look at what we've got here, lads," Louis starts, as he extends both his arms to wrap around Zayn's and Harry's shoulders. Louis' really got no boundaries at all, and it's obvious from Zayn's face that he's uncomfortable, but Harry's got this wide, stupid grin on his lips and he's clearly already smitten with louis. Everyone's smitten with Louis, it seems, he's just got that kind of personality.

"Harry and Zayn are new and coincidentally enough, their schedules match up with ours," Louis says with a rather devious smile. _Obviously, they're in our year,_ Niall almost adds but he refrains from it because Louis is beaming and Niall doesn't think he's ever looked so happy to meet two new fit boys. Then again, it was _Louis,_ so Niall had a feeling he was wrong. Louis keeps his arms around their shoulders as the five of them walk out of the classroom, Niall and Liam trailing along behind Louis, Harry and Zayn.

They've got lunch now, and when Niall glances over at Liam, he's got on a rather annoyed expression (he's _shit_ at hiding his emotions) and Niall can tell why when he glances over to where Louis' fawning over whatever Harry's talking about. Niall bites down on his lower lip a he offers Liam a rather apologetic glance. They've been through this enough times where consoling Liam isn't even necessary because he's already used to it.

Once they reach the cafeteria and they've all taken their seats, Louis finally seems to remember that Liam and Niall exist and he looks at all of them with one of his signature smiles. "Harry, Zayn, meet Liam and Niall," Louis says proudly, gesturing to both of them with a wide hand. Niall smiles at both of them, and it's the first time that they've both properly looked at him since they've arrived.

"I'm Niall," he greets with a little salute, instinctively licking his lips when he meets Zayn's eyes. "Don't believe anything Louis' told ye' about me, especially if he's mentioned 2009," that was really not his greatest year, and Louis never misses a chance to tell people about it — that's one of the (many) reasons Niall never pulls when Louis is around. Louis and Harry both laugh at that, but Zayn's barely got a smile on his face, eyes focused somewhere else. He's clearly not into the conversation, for whatever reason, and Niall figures (hopes) it's just because he's a bit overwhelmed with his first day and the people around him.

Once Liam's done introducing himself, and Louis' too focused on his food to try and flirt with Harry, Niall clears his throat gently. "So, Harry, did ye' and Zayn transfer from the same college?" Niall asks with a small smile, mindlessly running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, Zayn and I were actually dorming together back in Bradford. We've been friends since the beginning of the first year of college, ever since I moved from Cheshire," Harry answers with a slight nod, his lips curving up into a wide smile. When Niall's eyes flicker over to Zayn, he's smiling a little bit at the brunette's words, the first actual smile Niall's seen so far.

"Yeah, that's kind of like the three of us," Liam says with a rather fond smile, his eyes crinkling in the corners like they always did when he smiled big. Harry looks a bit surprised at that, and Niall found that interesting; one of the first things Louis talks about is usually their friendship and how they met (as cheesy as it sounds), and the fact that he didn't mention it to Harry shows that he was clearly occupied with something else.

Louis' definitely not a slag or anything, by anyone's definition, but the boy did get around quite a bit; it wasn't like it was ever his intention to hurt anyone, but he wasn't someone who was looking for a committed relationship either. Yet another reason Liam and him would never work out together. No one ever really minded Louis' promiscuous attitude though, because it was _Louis_ and Louis could never do any wrong. That was just how it worked. Niall has a feeling that it'll be the exact same with Harry, but there's also a nagging feeling in the back of his head saying that Louis doesn't usually look at someone he's just met quite like _that._

"If I may ask, why'd ye' guys move?" Niall questions after a moment of comfortable silence, a small frown finding its way on his face at the way that Zayn's fingers clench around the apple he was holding. He has a feeling that the question is out of bounds, with the way Harry's face sort of drops for a moment, but he's back to his normal smiley self after a second.

"We really just needed a change, and London seemed to be the best place to go. This college is sick as well, and we were originally on the waiting list, but since two people left or sommat and we were accepted for second year, we were like, why not? Right, Zayn?" Harry explains, glancing over at Zayn and nudging him lightly with his shoulder.

"Uh, yeah, that's why. Looks like we made the right choice, it's a lot nicer over here," Zayn says softly, a hint of a smile gracing his lips. It looks a bit forced though, and Niall's smart enough to recognize that neither of them are telling the full story, but he's never been one to probe.

The rest of lunch goes by relatively quickly, with Louis, Harry and Niall doing most of the talking. Liam's quieter than usual, probably because of Harry, but Zayn doesn't even try to talk unless it's Harry that's speaking to him. Zayn's got this, like, _sadness_ to him that Niall can't place his finger on, and maybe it's just his overactive imagination, but he's sure something's bothering the raven haired lad.

"What do you guys have now?" Louis question Harry and Zayn, watching as they both pull up their phones to check the schedules that they're probably not used to yet.

"I've got chemistry," Harry says, as he looks up a bit. Niall's got that too, and Harry looks pleased to not have to be alone during it. "I'm absolute shit at chemistry, don't even know why it's one of my subject choices," Harry says with a little shake of his head, and Niall has to laugh in agreement, nodding a bit.

"Um, I've got life sciences," Zayn says, to which Louis and Liam both let out whoops. "That's what me and Liam have as well, just wait 'till you meet Professor Evans," Louis says snarkily, Liam letting out a soft chuckle at the mention of the professor's name. "You're gonna love him, Zayn, he's an absolute riot," Liam says playfully, gathering his stuff as the five of them get up.

They all part ways to their respective classes, and Niall's left walking with Harry, both of them lapsing into a comfortable silence — Niall was never someone who found it awkward to be with new people, considering his friendly nature.

"How're ye' liking yer' first day here?" Niall asks after a moment, glancing over at the taller boy. "It's been really good so far, didn't think I'd actually make many friends," Harry says lowly, his lips curving up into a small smirk.

"You've definitely made a few good choices," Niall says teasingly, nudging the other boy gently with his shoulder. Niall already feels comfortable with Harry, and that’s the only reason he even considers asking the next question.

"Hey, do ye' think I could ask ye' something?" The blonde questions as the two of them walk through the class's open doorway. Harry nods, and Niall bites down lightly on his lower lip as he takes a seat near the back of the room.

"Does Zayn, like, have a problem with us or something? He just didn't seem interested about anything we were saying at all, and I just wanted ta' make sure that we haven't said something to, um, upset him," Niall's not sure how else to phrase it, running a hand through his hair, a nervous tic.

Harry's eyebrows knit into a frown at the mention of Zayn's name, but his expression sort of changes into a knowing expression. "Oh, Zayn? Nah, he's just like that, y'know? He's a little bit more guarded around new people, it's nothing. He'll definitely loosen up, you've just got to give him time," Harry says in a way that makes Niall think he's gotten this question before, head bobbing as he talks.

Niall nods in understanding, glancing over to the front of the room where the professor had finally reached. "Yeah, I get that. Don't think I'm really used to that kind of stuff, considering the fact that Louis' my best friend,"

Harry lets out a laugh at that, Niall pretending not to see the way Harry _perks up_ at the sound of the other boy's name. "Louis' quite a catch, isn't he?" Harry asks, his full (sensuous, if you'd ask Niall) lips curving up into a smirk. Niall can already tell that the boy isn't shy, something Louis would definitely appreciate.

They spend a lot of the period talking about Louis (much to Niall's dismay) since the professor doesn't bother trying to quiet the room. But Harry seems like a very chill lad and Niall knows that they'll get along well. If he could stand talking to someone who did nothing else but talk about Louis for a whole hour, that definitely means they're gonna be friends.

They both leave the hall, laughing and nudging each other as they walk out and find Zayn, Liam and Louis standing outside.

"Took you guys fucking long enough," Louis remarks with a roll of his eyes, and sure, maybe Niall gets why people think they act like children. Or, maybe Louis, but Niall really was a _mature adult_ and he really thinks he should get treated like one.

Louis walks ahead to go talk to Harry and Liam follows along, so Niall's left to fall into step with Zayn, eyes instinctively flickering over to the other boy.  

Harry's earlier words play into his mind again, and Niall bites down on his lower lip. "How was Mr. "Stick up my Arse" like?" Niall questions with a stiff chuckle, eyebrows raising a bit when the smaller boy lets out a small _giggle,_ Niall trying his best not to just coo at him.

He just finds it interesting that the boy with these tattoos all over his arms and collarbone (from what he can see), with the dark hair and dark eyes and the hipster clothes _giggles_ at stupid jokes. Seriously, "Mr. Stick up my Arse" was one of the most pathetic things Niall's ever said, but it seemed to make Zayn happy, so he really doesn't care. When Niall looks over, even Zayn looks a bit surprised from the small laugh Niall had managed to get out of him.

"He was lovely, actually, thanks," Zayn says softly after a moment, the softest hint of a smile gracing his full lips. He's even more fit when he's smiling, Niall discovers. He distinctly wonders if it's possible for the boy to get even prettier, and for some reason, Niall has a distinct feeling that he's gonna find out soon; and he honestly can't wait.

 


	3. you're caught between a dream, and a movie scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more notes ya!!!  
> • liam and zayn are gay, louis and niall are bi, and harry doesn't like labels. the best way to describe him would be pansexual. :-)  
> • niall didn't know about liam's crush on louis when they hooked up, he found out a year later. otherwise he obviously wouldn't have done it!! 
> 
> i feel like barely anyone reads ziall now and it makes me sad bc like, why would you not read ziall??? :-(  
> also this is sort of another filler chapter oMg i'm sorry but!!!

Over the next few months or so, Harry and Zayn slowly incorporate themselves into Niall, Louis and Liam's lives fairly quickly. Coincidentally enough, their schedules match up for the most part, none of the boys having to be alone during any of their subjects.

Niall had never previously thought that the three of them needed anyone new in their friend circle, but now that they had Harry and Zayn, he wondered whether there was something always missing. They just fit in _seamlessly,_ and although they didn't talk about it, Liam, Louis and Niall all knew that they really enjoyed the presence of the other two boys and they'd definitely be staying around.

Louis was still very much interested in Harry, despite not having made his move yet ( _patience, my dear Nialler, patience,_ he had said to the blonde once when asked about when exactly he was planning to make a move _)_ so that led to him following the taller boy around quite a bit. And of course, wherever Louis went, Liam went, and so Niall was left alone with Zayn most of the time.

Niall soon found out that Harry couldn't be more accurate about what he said about Zayn, which obviously wasn’t surprising considered how long they had known each other. But Niall had to admit that he had some doubts about it when Zayn still continued to ignore him in any group settings, but once they were forced to spend more time together and eventually began hanging out more often, it really did seem like he was a completely new person around Niall.

Over the few weeks that they got to know each other, Niall was sure that Zayn still hadn't completely come out of his shell yet, but he was also sure that it'd just be a matter of time. He really seemed to enjoy talking to all of them now, and it might've just been the blonde's (large) ego talking, but he really did think that Zayn liked him the best; well, besides Harry, of course.

Not to forget his bloody gorgeous face, which Niall really couldn't bring himself to get used to.

Zayn was still _exactly_ his type, and also, apparently everyone else's type as well; walking around with the older boy (they found out Zayn was 9 months older, much to the blonde's dismay) on campus genuinely made Niall feel like he was famous due to all the fucking stares they got. Even though Niall was aware that he received quite a few looks himself, he was smart enough to know that it was Zayn they were staring at. It obviously wasn't like he was jealous of the attention or anything, he just had this odd protective urge over the older boy. Which was _ridiculous,_ because anyone that saw the pair would be intimidated by Zayn but completely endeared by Niall.

There just wasn't something quite _there_ about Zayn, but Niall really couldn’t place his finger on it. He still didn't try to pursue the topic any further despite his curiosity, but he had a feeling that it had something to do with the raven haired boy's past, because he's seen the way both Zayn and Harry go _odd_ at any mention of their past, especially Zayn.

Niall's just concerned about him, is all, and there's really no reason that something from his past (if it even had to do with his past) should be bothering him now — Niall figured that he already had enough on his plate with joining a completely new college in second year, so he really didn't think that he needed another burden.

Niall probably shouldn't have been that worried about someone he hadn't known for more than a few months, but Zayn just made his head go all _weird._

The two of them were out for lunch together at some Mexican restaurant, neither of them having any classes afterwards. Unfortunately enough, Liam, Louis and Harry were all stuck in environmental science together. Niall particularly didn't like the thought of the three of them having so many classes together, because Louis still flirted rather obnoxiously with Harry any chance he got, and Liam was _always fucking there._ He pushed the thought out of his head, biting down on his lower lip as he took a proper look at the menu.

"Are you two ready to order?" Niall looks up a bit at the sound of a voice, eyes resting on the waitress standing there, whose gaze is solely focused on the older boy. She's got a blonde strand of hair twirled around a finger and her head's tilted a bit — Niall tries not to roll his eyes at the blatant attempt at flirtation, his eyebrows instantly knitting together into a soft frown, unable to help himself.

When Niall looks up though, Zayn's golden eyes are on him. "Do you wanna order first?" He asks gently, a small smile gracing his full lips. Niall absolutely _loves_ the boy for it, gesturing for him to go ahead and order first.

Niall patiently waits for Zayn to order before he does so as well, watching as the waitress bends down a bit more than needed when she goes to pick up Zayn's menu, in an obvious attempt to get him to notice her. Zayn does notice, giving her a rather awkward smile as she gets both their menus. "Let me know if you'd like anything else," and she's off, Niall watching as she walks away.

"Bro, that waitress was def' flirting with ye', and she was well fit," Niall feels like he just _has_ to say something about it, hoping his tone doesn't betray him, and there's no bitterness dripping from his words. The blonde knows he doesn't have a right to _be mad_ about it, but it's really not his fault that Zayn's so fucking oblivious to everyone around him.

"Huh?" Zayn asks softly, his tone adorably confused with his lower lip caught in between his teeth. It looks like it takes him a second, but then his skin flushes red, confusing Niall even more.

"Oh, uh, I'm not into that... kind of thing," Zayn says awkwardly after a moment, eyes flickering down to the table for a second before flicking back up to meet Niall's nervously — He's obviously got no reason to be nervous, considering the fact that their friend group is already the gayest group of people you'll ever meet.

It takes Niall a second, and he can't help but let out a soft chuckle once he gets it, shaking his head a bit. Zayn frowns gently at him, but Niall's smile doesn't fade.

"Ye' don't have ta' be so nervous about telling me, Zayn; If ye' haven't noticed yet, I'm pretty sure all of our best friends are into boys, and, well," Niall sheepishly gestures to himself, grinning a little at the little giggle Zayn lets out.

"Yeah, m'sorry about that. Guess I've just been like that since I was little. I mean, it got okay later when I started college, especially since I had Haz, but. It wasn't always like that, y'know?" Niall nods encouragingly, but it seems as if Zayn's done talking, his eyes glued to the table.

Niall knows a little bit about Zayn's past, and with what he can piece together, well; Harry and Zayn had only met in the last year of high school, and Niall himself definitely knew he was into boys at that age, so he figured Zayn did as well. Harry really did bring the older boy out of his shell, and Niall had a rather sick feeling in his stomach at the thought of Zayn not being able to ever fully _be_ himself without the brunette.

Honestly, Niall didn't really think about people not being accepted for being themselves; his own family was very accepting and had no problem at all, and even if they hadn’t been, he had Liam and Louis supporting him the whole way. In fact, the first boy Niall ever hooked up with was Louis (the brunette had said something about "helping Niall discover his _true self")_ and Niall had fucking fallen for it, although he looks back at that whole _situation_ with disgust. So he had never had to deal with unacceptance from a _nyone,_ simply ignoring anyone at school who had a problem with it. He _hated_ the thought of Zayn having to go through that alone, and judging by the look on Zayn's face, he could probably tell.

"I knew quite early on, like," Zayn suddenly starts out of nowhere, Niall perking up a bit, his soft, encouraging smile remaining. "It was always a _thing_ for me, even in middle school, and like, people weren't so accepting back in Bradford. Especially 'cause of my faith and all, so I never did get to tell anyone about it, and dunno, I guess I've never really grown out of that," Zayn finishes softly, brushing a hand through his hair as he keeps his eyes glued to the table. Niall knows he's done now, and the blonde hopes the little smile he gives him is reassuring enough.

"I'm so sorry, mate. I know it doesn't change anything that happened in the past, but no one should ever have ta' go through that alone and it's _so_ unfair that people don't accept what they just can't understand," Niall's words are genuine, his eyebrows knitted together; he really needs Zayn to understand what he's saying, because if the boy still had those feelings now, they needed to stop.  

Zayn's got this look of amazement on his face, and _this,_ whatever it is actually seems to happen quite a bit. The two of them having conversations (although those conversations weren't always necessarily spoken out loud) that were too deep for two people who barely knew each other to be having, Niall reassuring Zayn and Zayn always being left with that _look_ at the end of their conversations, as if Niall's somehow managed to change his entire view on a whole topic.

"Thanks, Niall," Zayn suddenly breathes after a moment, instinctively licking his lips and glancing up to meet the blonde's eyes. They're both silent for a minute, just looking at each other, and Niall's chest a _ches_ with how much he wants the older boy to be his.

"Here you guys go, one plate of chicken quesadillas, and the fajita platter," The moment's broken then, both of them looking up at the waitress as if they've been caught doing something they weren't supposed to.

"Oh, uh, thank ya'," Niall says once he feels like he can talk again, smiling at the waitress, who wasn't the same one that was flirting with Zayn earlier. He sort of had a feeling that the previous girl sent this one though, because of the way she's looking at Zayn. Niall doesn’t really think that the other boy notices, considering the way he's just looking down at the table.

Niall bites down on his lower lip, his stomach grumbling a bit once he gets a proper look at the food — he hadn't realized how hungry he was, but now that there was a plate of food in front of him, he'd never been hungrier.

They're both quiet for a minute as they start eating, Niall looking up a bit at the little moan that escapes Zayn's lips. "Fuck, sorry. Haven't had any good food in so long, and every time I'm out for lunch with Louis, we're getting Mcdonald's," Zayn apologizes sheepishly. A soft chuckle bubbles up from Niall's lips at that, very used to Louis' _healthy_ eating habits _._ He'd been wanting to go to lunch with Zayn a lot more often now, Niall knowing the lunches were probably just an excuse to talk about Harry.

They engage in more light conversation as the two of them finish their meals, Niall sure that this was his largest breakthrough with Zayn to date. He loved it whenever the boy let go of himself and maybe let out a little bit more than originally intended, because Niall loved hearing anything Zayn had to say. He was always very a _rticulate_ with his words, he was always the most intelligent person in the room but he liked it when he lost control of that and just _talked,_ because it made him so much more real.

Niall insisted on paying, telling Zayn it was because he got lunch last time (he actually didn't, but Niall liked treating the older boy) and they were off, making their way together to the Uni campus.

"Ya' think they're done with environmental sciences yet?" Zayn questions absently as they continue to walk together on the sidewalk, their campus only ten minutes away by foot from the restaurant they were at. Niall pulls his phone out of his pocket, eyes widening a tad at the time. It was nearing two, and him and Zayn had left the campus at around eleven. They must've been talking for a lot longer than Niall had thought, showing Zayn the time and catching his surprised expression, even if it only lasted a fraction of a second.

Niall knew that Zayn didn't think he noticed half of the things that he did _,_ but Niall noticed everything; like the way that the older boy always caught himself off guard around Niall. Or the way that he likes to sing under his breath when no one's watching. The way he hated when people called him vain, because he really was one of the most insecure people Niall's met. The way Zayn just _softens_ whenever he's talking about his family. That smile where his tongue was pressed against his teeth that Niall just fucking adored. It was _everything_ about Zayn that captured Niall, and the blonde didn't think he had felt so strongly about someone in such a short period of time, and he really didn't know why Zayn was an exception, but he _was._

Niall's torn out of his thoughts by Zayn nudging him gently with his shoulder. "Thanks, by the way," When Niall looks at him in confusion, Zayn shakes his head a bit.

"I mean, for like, lunch. Haven't been out to a good place in so long, and like, you were nice enough to take me. Thanks," Niall lets out a little snort at that, bringing a hand up to ruffle Zayn's hair playfully.

"Ye've gotta be kidding me, Z," He deadpans, grinning at the disgruntled look Zayn gives him.

"If ye' think _that_ was a good place, ye' have got ta' stop going out for lunch with any of the other boys. I'm the only one that's allowed to take ye' out from now, alright? We'll go out to some proper places, can't believe they've been forcing ye' to eat such crap," Niall says animatedly, with many large hand gestures, shaking his head at the mere thought of Zayn being forced to accompany the other's to fast food restaurants every day.

Zayn loses it at that dramatic sentence, bursting into a fit of giggles. "Fuckin' stop, mate. Don’t even know what you're going on about anymore," the older boy mumbles, shaking his head with the most amused smirk Niall's seen on his face in quite a while.

Their conversations genuinely confused Niall to no amount, because there were times where they talked about the deepest things, and times like _this,_ where they would talk about literally nothing. Niall likes how he could be two different people around Zayn even though they were both very much _him._

"Listen Zayn, I really have ta' tell ye' something," Niall starts uncertainly, lower lip caught in between his teeth. "I-," He's cut off by Zayn's phone ringing, the older boy sending him an apologetic look before pulling out his phone and answering the call. Niall curses lowly under his breath, shoving his hands into his pockets and scuffing the ground lightly with his foot.

He's lost it again, the nerve. _This_ has been happening for a while too, although Niall doesn't quite know why. When he wants someone, it's not hard for him to get them because he _knows_ how to flirt, how to get someone on their knees if that's what he pleases. But it's different with Zayn, he's not just looking for a one night stand like he usually is, he genuinely thinks that him and Zayn could have _something,_ and he doesn't know how to tell him this because it's _Zayn_ and everyone knows Zayn deserves someone better than Niall. That usually isn't something the blonde considers when he's hooking up with someone, but he would never want Zayn to settle for someone, especially him. He would still like to tell him about his feelings though, because he hasn't felt this way about someone in a long time and he's _sure_ that Zayn must see the tension between them too... right? 

Niall's eyes flicker over to Zayn who's still on the phone. He looks rather concerned, eyebrows drawn tight into a frown. Niall raises an eyebrow at him curiously, a soft smile finding his lips at Zayn's exaggerated eye roll, knowing instantly it was one of the other boys on the line; Probably Louis, to be fair. Definitely not the first time Louis' cockblocked him.

When Zayn hangs up, Niall chuckles at the pointed look the older boy gives him. Definitely Louis, then.

"Fucking Louis," Zayn mutters under his breath, shaking his head a bit. Niall chuckles again, a soft twinge of disappointment hitting him at the sight of the entrance of their campus.

"Yer' fucking Louis? Don't think Harry'll be too happy with that," Niall replies lamely, almost wishing the words hadn't left his mouth when they did. His jokes around Zayn were always pathetic, it was like he lost whatever charm he had whenever he was with him.

The older boy giggles anyways, smiling at Niall afterwards like he genuinely found the "joke" funny. He nudges his shoulder gently, the remnants of a smile still on his full lips.

"Harry's just gonna have to deal with it, like," Zayn replies softly after a moment, as they both walk together into the campus, making their way to the cafeteria, where Louis, Liam and Harry should be.

"Hey, Niall?" Zayn says after another beat of silence, his voice going all soft again. Niall hums in acknowledgement, turning his head a bit to look at him with an eyebrow raised. "Thanks, again. For lunch, and, y'know,"

Niall _knows_ that lunch was definitely not the only thing he was being thanked for, and the softest grin graces his lips. "It was no problem at all, Z. I'm always here for ye'," Niall says gently, his lips upturned into a gentle smile. If only the older boy knew the full extent of his words.

 


	4. saw your face and got inspired

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!!! just a little forewarning that the next chapter might be uploaded a bit late, bc this was a pretty busy week for me and i didn't get as much of it finished as i would've liked to :-(  
> 

Niall's awoken by what at first, he assumes is his alarm, but when he scrambles for his phone in order to turn it off — almost knocking his lamp off of the table in the process — he realizes that it's a phone call. Niall blinks as he tries to focus on the screen, which is hard because it's _so fucking bright,_ and he's about to hang up, until he sees the name flashed across the screen; Louis. It's a lesson he's had to endure many times, and he's learnt that nothing good can ever come from hanging up on Louis.

The blonde takes a second to collect himself, still half-asleep, before answering his phone and putting the receiver to his ear.

"Hello?" He says gruffly, attempting to sit up a bit before giving up, lying back down with a soft huff. There's music coming in from the other end of the phone and it's really fucking loud, not helping any with the fact that Niall's just woken up. Sure, taking a nap on a Friday evening could be seen as pathetic by some people, but hey, Niall's a college student with far more stress than necessary, and if he needs a nap, he gets a nap, goddamn it. His naps are well justifiable, fuck whatever Louis thinks.

"Where the fuck are ye'?" Niall questions after Louis doesn't reply, rubbing his temples rather roughly with his fingers. He silently prayed to whoever was listening above that he wouldn't have a headache or migraine after this call, because _fucking hell, that music was loud._

Louis finally decides to acknowledge him when he's just about to hang up, and Niall's unsure whether he's more relieved or more annoyed. "Bro, it's Friday night," Niall's expecting Louis to continue, but of course, he doesn't.

"So?" Niall gives in and prompts after a minute of complete silence, cringing at Louis' obvious excited intake of breath. "Thought you'd never ask, babe," Niall rolls his eyes at the other boy's tone, resisting the urge to groan out loud.  

"You agreed to come out to the club with us tonight, don’t you remember?" Louis says as if Niall's supposed to remember a promise that he probably made a long time ago, or possibly never even made because it's Louis. Even if he had though, there was no way he was gonna remember it in his zombie like state.

Niall hears a bit of a struggle on the other end, his eyebrows knitting into a distressed frown. His eyebrows shoot up at the next thing he hears though, which, interestingly enough is Zayn's sweet voice.

"Ni? Is this Niall? Niallll, why aren't ya' here right now? I'm not having any fun without ya'," Zayn's slurring slightly on the other line, his voice uneven and breathy yet still so fucking alluring. "Zayn? Are ye'... drunk?" Niall asks concernedly, finally rolling over and sitting up in bed. He runs a hand through his messy hair, his eyebrows creasing into a worried frown when the older boy doesn't reply immediately.

The next thing he hears on the line is Louis' stupid voice again, and Niall properly gets up, having to stretch a bit. "If ya' want to find out whether Zayn's drunk — spoiler alert, we all are — you're gonna have to come to the club. It's the one on like, fourth street, by the way," There's no such thing as fourth street, but Niall knows what the other boy is talking about anyways, shaking his head. "Yeah, alright Louis, 'm on my way," Niall says slowly, head still spinning from the sound of the music on the other line. 

Niall distinctly hears Louis chant, _"Niall's coming!"_ on the line, which earns a series of varying whoops, admittedly causing him to grin a little bit. The blonde hangs up the phone as he rubs slightly at his head once more, thankful that he didn’t seem to be having any signs of a headache or a migraine.

Niall shakes his head as he walks over to his closet, eyebrows raised as he sees a post-it stuck to one of the closet doors. He picks it off, snorting as his eyes scan over the little yellow note. It's the club's address in neat, loopy handwriting, with Liam's signature at the bottom. Niall huffs fondly, rolling his eyes as he pockets the note (he'd feel too bad throwing it away) and opens the closet door. Leave it to Liam to actually be concerned about him; Niall can picture Louis waiting by the door and asking Liam to _hurry the fuck up_ , while Liam would probably be stood by the closet, taking his time to make sure his writing was legible.

The image sits sweetly in Niall's mind as he opens up his closet, which was pretty neatly organized due to the fact that the blonde was a bit of a clean-freak; not that he'd ever admit it, of course. He picks out a white tee, his ombre red and blue flannel, and a pair of lightwash skinnies. While he was sure that the outfit went together quite nicely, he wasn’t necessarily "dressing to impress" because he wasn't really looking to pull. The five of them had never gone out clubbing together yet, and even though Niall was used to a smashed Liam and Louis, he'd never encountered a smashed Zayn or Harry. And judging by the phone call, they were all completely pissed.

Niall changes into the outfit quickly, taking a few minutes to style his hair up into a semi-quiff, so he didn't look as if he had just woken up. After he collects his phone & wallet and takes one more quick look in the mirror, he's off.

He's got an Uber called because he hasn't actually got his own car yet — Louis' the only one with a car, and the blonde sort of figures that they're gonna need a designated driver for the night.

Niall tells the Uber driver the address of the club, the car ride passing swiftly with a little bit of polite chitchat between the two. Niall pays the driver and gives him a rather large tip, flashing the man a kind smile before opening the door of the car and making his way to the entrance of the club. A quick glance at his phone tells him it's only eleven, and he takes a deep breath before making his way inside, instantly hit with the loud music and dozens of people around him.

Everyone agrees that Niall is one of the most social and charismatic people that they know, which is ironic because he actually has claustrophobia. He usually has to pregame a bit before entering clubs, because the slight buzz is generally enough to distract him from all of the people around. It's not really the best solution because he has gotten overwhelmed before in situations like that, but it's been the only thing that's helped so far.  

Niall takes a deep breath as he makes his way further through the crowd, glancing around the packed club with his lower lip in between his teeth. He sort of wants a drink, but also sort of doesn't, because he'll probably have to drive, and chances are, he'll also have to be handling four very drunk lads.

The blonde finally finds the four of them, thanks to Harry's rather large frame standing out. Niall makes his way over to them, the four standing together near the bar countertop. They're all clearly drunk as well, Niall resisting the urge to cringe as he walks over.

Louis sees him first, gesturing to the other boys excitedly. Niall really can't help the soft grin that finds his lips when all four of them turn to him happily, drinks in hands. Niall approaches slowly, biting his lip gently in concern as Zayn's drink almost sloshes over his glass as he comes nearer.

"Niall! You finally came, w-we all thought ya' weren't gonna come,” Zayn murmurs slowly, pausing in the middle of his sentence as if he had forgotten what he was saying.

Niall's never seen the older boy like this before, used to the reserved, aloof boy that he's grown to adore over the past few months. He's not sure he's ready for this, instantly figuring that Zayn was a lightweight and he probably wouldn't be able to handle his alcohol very well.

When Niall looks over at the other three, he sees Louis gripping Harry's arm pretty tightly, it seems, while almost sat on his lap, and Liam's chatting up some brunette but it's obvious that he's just staring at Louis and Harry. He has a distinct feeling that he won't really be needed to take any of them home, as the three of them all look rather preoccupied. Zayn, on the other hand, looks as if he's been waiting for Niall this whole time, for whatever reason.

Niall shoots Zayn a small smile, hesitantly reaching forward to take the drink from the older boy's hand. "Think you've had enough for one night, Z," The blonde says with a little chuckle, setting the drink on the bar countertop and smiling gently at the pitiful pout the raven haired lad is giving him. He's _adorable,_ honestly, and Niall gives the boy a proper look, instinctively licking his lips at Zayn's bare arms, thanks to the plain black tank-top he's wearing.

When Niall's eyes make their way back to Zayn's eyes though, his eyes are somewhere on Niall's chest, causing the blonde to smirk gently. He coughs softly, freezing at the expression on Zayn's face — eyes wide, jaw slack, cheeks flushed.

 _Christ,_ Zayn's gonna be the death of him one day, he's sure of it. Zayn's smiling a bit now, reaching forward to wrap his fingers around Niall's wrist. "C'mon, I wanna dance," He says softly, tugging on the blonde's wrist and leading him out to the dancefloor.

Niall's convinced his eyebrows are gonna be by his hairline at the end of this night, because he just keeps getting surprised. He and Harry once had a twenty minute conversation about the fact that dancing was one of Zayn's _least_ favorite things to do, along with a bunch of other various activities, most of which included any form of exercise. But, Zayn was smashed and he definitely seemed a lot _looser_ than usual, that was for sure.

Niall lets the older boy tug him into the midst of the crowd, trying his best to focus on Zayn's fingers around his wrist and not on the dozens of undulating bodies around him. Zayn finally seems satisfied with where they're standing, which, thankfully for Niall, is not in the middle of the crowd but a little to the side.

The bass reverberates low in Niall's ears as Zayn turns around, his full lips upturned into a gentle smile. They're just standing there for a moment, Niall hesitantly biting his lower lip. "Zayn, how many drinks have ye' had?" He asks slowly, eyebrows knitting together into a concerned frown. The older boy sort of looks like he's swaying on his feet, and the dreamy expression on his face is making Niall feel drunk as well.

"Only a few, Ni, promise. C'mon, wanna dance now," His words are slurred but they seem sincere, so Niall lets up, hesitantly stepping forward and placing his hands on Zayn's slim waist, careful not to let his hands wander too low. If they ever did date, Niall figured that he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off of Zayn, even in public; it almost worried Niall, the way he wanted everyone around to know that the older boy was _hishishis._ What worried Niall even more was that he wasn't.

The blonde had zoned out a bit, and he knows that Zayn noticed, but the raven haired boy doesn't comment on it, instead letting out a soft huff. Niall's eyebrows raise a bit, trying his best not to gape when Zayn forces his hands lower so they rested on the gentle curve of his hips rather than his waist. Niall feels like a broken record, already having a bad feeling about where exactly this was going. He doesn't say anything about it though, instead taking his lower lip in between his teeth.

Zayn steps forward a bit, loosely hooking his thin arms around Niall's neck. Niall's got an inch or two on the older boy, which makes their position work well enough; the older boy _hates_ the fact that Niall's taller than him, always going as far to stand on his tiptoes in all the pictures they take together (which the blonde finds absolutely endearing) but he seems to be working it pretty well at the moment.

Niall isn't even focusing on the music anymore, and he's consciously been avoiding looking properly at the older boy this whole time, but they're obviously expected to dance now and he really has nowhere else to look.

When the blonde finally gathers up the courage, he almost swallows his tongue at the look on the older boy's face. He's looking up at Niall through his long eyelashes, normally hazel eyes clouded with something that Niall can't place his finger on — _lust,_ his mind supplies helpfully — and he's got this sort of expectant look on his face like he's waiting for... something. He's mindlessly swaying on his feet, arms still wrapped around Niall's neck. Niall's fingers subconsciously clench around Zayn's hips, and he's aware that he's probably holding the older boy a bit too tightly, but he really can't bring himself to care.

Niall's somewhat swaying along to the music as well, the bass thumping low and somehow intensifying everything happening around them. They're both just staring at each other, and Niall feels a swoop of arousal, low in his stomach when he sees the older boy's eyes flicker down to his lips. Zayn's tongue flicks out to wet his lips slightly and Niall's eyes follow the movement, stilling the older boy by using the grip he has on his hips.

"Zayn," Niall says lowly, a tinge of warning in his words. He still looks as innocent as ever, peering up at Niall longingly, red roughing out the swell of his pronounced cheekbones.

" _Ni_ ," The raven haired boy replies petulantly, blinking up at the blonde with a rather defiant expression on his features, as if he wasn't gonna try and make a move on the younger boy — Niall had never seen the older boy look at him quite like _that_ before, and Niall was smart enough to recognize that there was definitely some intent behind that look.

"We should really be getting ye' home now, don't ye' think? It's pretty late," The blonde says after a moment of heated silence, releasing his grip on the older's hips and shoving his hands into his pockets instead. There was absolutely no way that he was gonna take advantage of Zayn, especially not when he was drunk, no matter how much he _wanted_ him. Niall tries not to read in to the look of disappointment that flashes on the older's features, instead looking to the ground.

"Can we go check on Haz, then? Think he's got the keys," Zayn finally murmurs, blinking up at Niall and gesturing over to the bar area. Niall nods, tilting his head a bit as he leads the other boy towards the direction Liam, Louis and Harry were at previously.

He can't really say he's surprised to see that none of them are there, rolling his eyes as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. As expected, there's a text message from Liam there; " _Went home w this guy , pls dnt worry abt me :)"._ Niall lets out a harsh breath, knowing that he's gonna have to talk to the brunette about this later, having a rather bad feeling that the only reason Liam went home with someone tonight was because of Louis and Harry.

When he glances over to Zayn, he sees the raven haired boy staring down at his phone with his eyebrows creased into a frown. Niall clears his throat slightly, a frown finding its way onto his own features at the disgruntled look on the older's face.

"Lou's staying over at Haz's, don't really think he wants me to come home, like," Zayn mumbles, and he's still sort of slurring but he sounds a lot more sober than he was a few minutes ago and Niall knows he's the reason why, and he _fucking hates_ the way Zayn messes with his head.

"That's alri', ye' can just stay the night at my place, yeah? Ya' don't mind or anything, do you?" There's really no reason at all for the older boy to mind, because he's stayed over before and he very well knows that Niall's got two free beds and even a couch to choose from. Niall still wants to make sure though, because there's something _off_ tonight and he doesn't want Zayn to be uncomfortable.

The older boy just shrugs in response though, his lips curving up into a half hearted smile. "No worries, let's go?" He says softly, and Niall nods in agreement, walking in step with Zayn to the exit of the club.

Unfortunately, there aren't any taxis outside so the two are forced to walk for a bit, both of them remaining silent. When Niall looks over at the older boy for a second, he catches him shivering slightly from the rather harsh wind.

Niall's instantly shrugging his flannel off, nudging the small boy slightly with his shoulder. "Take this, babe," He freezes once the word leaves his lips, but Zayn doesn't seem to read into it too much, probably too drunk to recognize the pet name. Niall is glad for that, because he wouldn't be able to deal with it if it was any other way.

The older boy hesitates for a moment, but ultimately takes the flannel from him and puts it on. It's too big for his tiny frame, and Niall tries his best not to just wrap his arms around the older boy to keep him warm, shoving his hands into his pockets once again in order to keep them to himself.

Luckily enough, a taxi stops by the pair of them and they get in together; Niall's not really sure what he expects to happen now, but he just _hopes_ that whatever's happened has sobered the older boy up a bit and they could both just go to sleep. Something in his mind tells him that's the opposite of what's gonna happen though, and a soft sigh escapes his lips as he stares out of the car window and pretends not to notice Zayn's eyes on him.

 


	5. heard about all the love you lost, it was over before it began

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm incredibly sorry for how late this is but hopefully the long chapter sort of makes up for it??? :-(  
> TRIGGER WARNING; zayn talks heavily about domestic abuse & non consensual sex but it's not in too much detail!! still felt as if it should be mentioned x

The air between them feels different tonight for some reason, thicker in a way that Niall can't really place his finger on. They’re both silent throughout the whole taxi ride, which is different for them but the blonde really can't bring himself to care. Niall bides away his time by scrolling through twitter on his phone while Zayn wordlessly stares out of the window.

Once they're at Niall's dorm building, the younger boy pays the taxi driver and the two of them get out, the blonde leading Zayn up to his dorm room in rather awkward silence. Niall unlocks the door and they both get in, still not saying a word to each other. Zayn's been over enough times to know the layout of the room, so Niall's not too worried about him. After the blonde locks the door behind him and turns around, he expects to see the older boy stalking over to either Liam's or Louis' room to go to bed, but instead, he's just stood in the middle of the living room, his eyebrows drawn together into a tight frown.

"Ye' alright, Zayn?" Niall questions concernedly after a moment of just staring at the older boy, setting his phone down on the table and glancing back over to him.

Zayn shrugs jerkily, his lower lip caught between his teeth as he finally looks up to Niall. He's absolutely _lovely_ at that moment, looking as tiny as ever in the midst of the large living room with his oversized flannel on. Niall isn't a photographer or someone who enjoys photography by any means, which is why it surprises him when he has to physically restrain himself from getting a camera to capture the moment because of how beautiful Zayn looks. Niall has to look away when he's overwhelmed with a sudden rush of affection for the older boy, letting out a harsh breath when he begins talking.

"'M alright, just don't feel like, tired, I guess. Don't really think I wanna sleep right now," He explains softly, his shoulders lifting in another shrug. The blonde nods and hums gently in understanding, already knowing that he wouldn't be able to refuse the other boy of anything.

"That's fine, do ya' wanna go and see if anything's playing on the telly? I could get ye' a beer, if you'd like," Niall offers with a gentle curve of his lips, his chest warming at the million watt grin he gets in return.

"Sick, thanks mate," Zayn says contentedly, Niall watching as he makes his way over to the couch in front of the telly and basically collapses on top of it. The blonde shakes his head with a slightly endeared smile, before making his way over to the kitchen so he could get the older boy his beer.

Niall pauses in front of the fridge, glancing behind him at the shelf where they kept their liquor. There was an unopened bottle of Jack Daniel's there and Niall shrugged to himself as he grabbed it along with a tall glass. He was sure that the older boy would appreciate the gesture, and the blonde knew that he could _definitely_ appreciate the whiskey over some cheap beer.

Niall walks back over to the fridge, opening the doors in order to get a milk carton for himself. He picks up another glass, and then makes his way back over to where Zayn was sat. He sets the stuff on the table before settling down next to the older boy on the couch, not too surprised when he doesn't react to the whiskey because he's probably too out of it to notice.  Niall just pours a bit of the liquid into the glass and passes it to him. Zayn thanks him with a little nod of his head, eyes trained on whatever's playing on the telly.

Half an hour or so passes by in silence, Niall having to refill the older boy's glass about every ten minutes. He's a bit concerned at how much Zayn's drinking (in addition to whatever he had at the bar) but Niall knows that he's safe with him and it's not like they've got anything to do tomorrow.

After a few more minutes, the blonde glances over to Zayn to see that he's already looking at him. His eyebrows raise a bit, tilting his head slightly at him.

"How come ya' didn't go home with anyone tonight?" The older boy finally questions softly, his words slurring slightly. He's looking up at Niall with what he assumes is a curious expression, although he's not really sure why he's asking.

"Was a bit preoccupied with ye', actually," Niall says teasingly, his lips curving up into a playful smile. It was true, to be fair, but it wasn't like he was looking to pull even if Zayn wasn't there. The older boy doesn't look too satisfied with the answer and he stays quiet. The blonde just watches him, unsure of what else to say.

"How come _ye'_ didn't go home with anyone tonight?" Niall finally questions, and he's not really sure whether he wants to know the answer, but there's nothing else he could think of to say and he really did want to end the awkwardness. Zayn's face completely blanks at that and the blonde almost backtracks, but he decides not to because the older boy is mostly pissed and he'll probably forget what he said soon enough.

If Niall was being completely honest, he _had_ wondered about who Zayn was interested in, or who he was with or anything, really about Zayn's mysterious love life. He had sort of figured that Zayn would be a bit more open about that kind of thing, considering the fact that it was one of Harry's favorite things to talk about and he never missed a chance to tell the others about any of his past flings or exes. The older boy was really private about that kind of stuff though, never contributing to any conversations about hookups or past significant others or anything, actually.

The older boy's still silent, and Niall's just about to tell him that he doesn't have to answer if he doesn't want to when he says something. "Ya' wanna know why I'm not dating anyone, Ni?" He asks softly, his tone breathy in a way that Niall hadn't heard before and therefore wasn't used to. He wasn't really sure what the older boy was gonna tell him, and he honestly didn't know what he was expecting to hear.

Niall gives Zayn a halfhearted shrug, the movie they were watching forgotten on the T.V in front of them.

"No one knows about this but Haz," Zayn murmurs absentmindedly, almost as if he was just speaking to himself. The blonde felt that it would be appropriate to lower the volume of the movie on T.V, along with setting his milk over to the side. He has a remote feeling that he was gonna be in for a rather _interesting_ story, considering the fact that he never usually offered to voluntarily talk a lot.

"Well, ya' already know about high school, and um, like I said the other day, I didn't have a lot of... experience, I guess you could say. I never dated anyone all through high school, and my group of friends, they weren't, um, exactly welcoming," Zayn starts softly, his eyes trained on his own lap. Niall's head bobs as he bites down on his lower lip, head tilted slightly. He really wasn't sure why the older boy was telling him this, but he didn’t mind or anything; if Zayn ever had to say something, he'd always listen.

"They were really homophobic, to say the least. Obviously I never told anyone about my sexuality because I knew how people would like, react. But it was a lot different when I got to college. There, I met Haz because we were both dorming together on campus. And y'know Haz, right? He's got this... way about him, and it only took a few days together for me to just tell him about _everything;_ I dunno why I thought it'd be a good idea for me to just spill all my secrets and open up like that — especially to a stranger  — but thankfully for me, Harry was very understanding, and like, he really helped." Zaym pauses, gesturing to Niall with his glass.

Niall pours a bit of the whiskey into the glass, watching as the older boy takes a sip and sets his glass down once more. He's got a little hint of a smile playing around his lips, and Niall had an inkling that it was only because of the mention of Harry.

Zayn seems to get focused quickly again though, clearing his throat and glancing up to Niall for a moment before looking back down. "Anyways, Haz told me more about my sexuality, and he even told me that there were actually a lot more gay people in Bradford than I might've thought, and maybe I was just friends with the wrong people in high school. It was really eye opening, to say the least, to know that there were lots of other people like me, including him as well. He was sort of like, my... guardian, y'know? I dunno why he hung out with me so much, t'be honest; throughout the first few weeks, he took me out to a lot of parties on campus and stuff — obviously he had this huge group of friends because it's Harry — and he even took me to these gay clubs, and like," Zayn stops for a moment, and the blonde watches as he takes a deep breath, and his eyebrows knit into a slight frown at the look on the older boy's face. His words were soft and shaky, but Niall had a slight feeling that it might not have had to do with the alcohol.

Niall's about to tell the older boy that he doesn't have to continue if he's not okay with it, but Zayn starts again right then so Niall keeps quiet. "Like I said, he took me to a lot of parties on campus and stuff. So, it was at one of these parties where, um, I met—" The older boy pauses for a whole few seconds as if he had entirely lost his train of thought, inhaling sharply.

"I met Daniel," Niall has never heard the older boy sound quite so, _vulnerable_ before and his features reflect his tone in a way that worries the younger boy to no end.

"Christ, haven't said his name for a while. Um, anyways, I met this guy, Daniel. He started talking to me at one of these parties and I guess I didn't know it at the time, but he was apparently like, hardcore flirting with me. I hadn't actually, y'know, tried to initiate anything with any boys but I _was_ interested in Daniel. He gave me his number that first night, and I didn't actually know that he was interested too until I told Haz about it. It was nice, I guess, the thought that I finally maybe had a chance with a guy? I don't know, it was the first bit of attention I had ever gotten from a guy that I actually could've been with and it felt good, I s'pose," He pauses once more, taking a shuddering breath in as he lightly rubs at his temples.

"So Harry encouraged me to go for it, and I texted Daniel and we got along really well, like, even Harry was mad that I was spending so much time with him. But he thought it was great and he noticed how much I liked him so again, he was really supportive. It was a few weeks later when he asked me out, all proper and stuff, and obviously I said yeah, and I was like, through the roof at the time, y'know? He was gonna be my first boyfriend, and after so many years of hiding, I could finally be myself and it felt amazing, finally being free," Niall's still not sure where exactly the older boy's going with this, but he nods encouragingly, bringing a hand up to rake his fingers through his bleached hair.

"Daniel was my first, like, everything. First kiss, first boyfriend, first love, first... time, um, first everything, like I said," Zayn's voice is even softer and _hesitant_ than before, his eyes on his lap. Niall feels a rough twinge of jealousy hit him and he instantly waves the feeling away, mentally rolling his eyes at himself.  Niall had absolutely no reason to be jealous, and he didn't even think that this story was going in a positive direction either.                          

"Speaking of that, our relationship went really really well the first few weeks or so, I was on like, cloud 9 the whole time and I think everyone around me noticed how happy I was after we started properly dating. I _was_ genuinely happy, and Daniel knew that I hadn’t had much experience so he said he was fine with taking things slow and I was so grateful for that, but like, that didn't end up lasting for long," Zayn pauses again, shakily inhaling before taking another tiny sip from his glass. Niall wanted to tell the older boy to stop if he wasn't comfortable, but he couldn't get his mouth to move, just staring at Zayn in silence.

"Uh, so this one day, he took me out to this really nice dinner and it was obvious that it must've cost him a lot, for an average college student, at least. It wasn't even for a special occasion or anything, but afterwards, he told me that he kicked his roommate out, and like, I guess I didn’t really think about it when I accepted and went home with him. Even when I went back, there were these rose petals littered everywhere and I just should've known, I was so fucking stupid," Niall hadn't noticed the tears brimming and almost spilling over the boy's hazel eyes but they're _there,_ and the blonde now has a feeling of where this is going but he still doesn't say anything, moving a bit closer and placing a comforting hand on the small of the older boy's back.

"We made love that night, guess it was uh, the first warning sign because I was sort of pressured into it, and like, he knew that I wanted to take things slow? No one told me that having sex after only a week and a half of dating wasn't normal and I was stupid enough to believe everything he told me, like, I felt super guilty whenever he brought it up and I just felt that I was... obligated to it? Saying it now makes me feel stupid, but it's what happened." The blonde had never heard Zayn talk so much at once, but he wasn't sure whether or not he wanted him to continue, a deep, sick feeling in his gut. The thought of him being pressured into _anything_ made Niall sick to his stomach, and he could only assume that it was going to get worse.

"We went out almost every day together, and I didn’t see it at that time, but he always seemed to resent it whenever I was out with my own friends, for some reason. Harry always joked about me spending too much time with him, but I think he assumed that I was the one craving more time since it was my first relationship and not him. I didn’t worry about it too much when he wanted to spend so much time with me though. It was another week later where he told me," Zayn pauses briefly, sniffling and bringing a hand up to his face to presumably wipe away a tear.

"He told me he loved me, and again, I didn't fucking know that it wasn't normal to tell someone you loved them after only three weeks of dating but something about the way he was looking at me made me feel like I had to say it back, y'know? In hindsight, I should've told Harry about it, because he was obviously more experienced and he'd probably be able to tell me that it just wasn't _normal_ for us to be moving so fast in the relationship. It was like, a few days later when he asked me to move into his dorm with him, and once again, I felt pressured into doing it because I thought that was what was normal for everyone. I was dorming with Haz at the time, and I _did_ tell him about it this time because he obviously had to know about me moving out. Haz sat me down and he actually asked me about how everything was going with the relationship, how I felt about Dan, the whole nine yards. It was the first time that I had been able to properly speak with Haz in so long because of how much time I was spending with Daniel. It was kind of emotional for me, because I hadn't actually realized how much time it had been since I'd been able to properly talk to Haz, who was supposed to be my best friend, y'know?" The younger boy nods in understanding, taking his lower lip in between his teeth and watching as Zayn sips a bit more of his whiskey. Niall had forgotten about how much he drank and was continuing to drink, but he doesn't comment on it, instead biting down even harder on his lower lip.

 "So, Harry basically told me that he thought we might've been going too fast, and I dunno, I was just so proud of how my first relationship was going, that I instantly denied it. He asked about whether anything else like that had happened in the relationship and like, I didn't want to tell him about us having sex nor did I want to tell him that Daniel told me he loved me because I knew he'd just judge me for it and I didn't want to deal with that at the time. So I agreed to wait for a bit which didn't turn out to be too long because Daniel kept pushing and pushing, so I moved in later that week. Haz even helped me out with it, which kind of surprised me because of how much of a dick I was to him about his comments on the relationship," He lifts his shoulders up in a light shrug, running a hand through his already rather messy hair.

"We were fine for a few weeks, I was used to our relationship and stuff and there weren't any major things that happened. Except for when there was this one night, where I was waiting for Dan to come home; He hadn't told me where he was going and he wasn't picking up his cell, so I didn't really know what to think. It was around one in the morning and I was staying up waiting for him, I was so worried but I didn't know what to do since I didn't want to bother anyone or come off as too clingy by constantly ringing him up," A soft sigh escapes the older boy's lips as he shakes his head, a rueful smile playing on his lips.

"He came home about an hour later, and he was obviously shitfaced, barely being able to stand up straight without leaning on the door. I had fallen asleep on the couch by then, but I remember waking up because he bumped into something and it was really loud or sommat. I had never seen him so... out of it before, he was someone who was always really reserved and liked to keep up an image of himself, let's just say, but he was so clearly pissed and at first I was confused, but then I was angry because he had me worrying for hours on end because he just had to get drunk? I hadn't ever seen him proper drunk before so I wasn't sure what to expect, but he was being really touchy and he was all over me but I wasn't having any of it. That was probably the first and last time I had ever stood up to him, and it wasn't like I did anything too big, I just told him that I wasn't in the mood for sex which he was obviously implying he wanted," Zayn lets out this shaky laugh as tears pool over his big doe eyes, bringing a hand up to wipe at his eyes.

"He could tell that I was bothered by the fact that he was out drinking the whole time, and he kept pushing and provoking me. He kept going, like, 'Wouldn't have gone out and fucked that girl if I had known you were here waiting for me, beautiful,'" and I assumed it was just the alcohol talking but looking back on it, I wouldn't put it past him to have been cheating from the very beginning. It really hurt me, hearing that from him and it was sort of like, the breaking point for me? Things had been going well up until then, so it wasn't like I wanted to break things off but I did want to leave the house for a bit, had to go somewhere else because I didn't want him to see me crying," He shrugs his shoulders jerkily, once again wiping at his eyes. Niall's lip is gonna be bleeding by the end of this night, he's sure of it, because of how harshly he's biting down on it. He's not sure whether he should be saying something, but he doesn't really think Zayn would appreciate being interrupted and might even just stop talking if he was.

"I told him that I was heading out for a bit and he flat out said no to me, which I did get a bit angry about, to be honest. I was on my way out, and he stepped in front of me and was like, 'Where do you think you're going, babe?' and I tried to push past him, which wasn't really the best idea, in hindsight since he was much bigger than me but I didn't know what else to do. Then, he just pushed me back against the wall and he, he," The raven haired boy pauses as he hiccups out a sob, a few tears running freely down his cheeks.

"Zayn," Niall breathes out, too shocked to say anything else as he stares at the older boy.

"He hit me, slapped me right across the face," He whimpers, voice softer and more fragile than Niall's ever heard. Zayn's back heaves with the force of his next sob, and the younger boy places his hand on the small of the older boy's back, taking his lower lip in between his teeth as he shifts closer.

"He fucked me right after, even when I said I didn't want him… I didn't protest during sex though, I just, I dunno, didn’t want him to hurt me anymore. It just kept getting worse after that, led to him hitting me even when he wasn't drunk, led to me wearing sweaters or full sleeved shirts all the time to cover the bruises, led to him fucking me whenever he wanted, never a thought for my feelings. I was even forced to continue living with him, he didn't let me go out unless it was for classes, made me walk with him to all of them, didn't let me sit with anyone I talked to before him. It went on like that for _months,_ until this one day, I don' really remember why he wasn't with me, sort of blanked a lot of that time out, but anyways, I was out, and Haz came up to me. I hadn't talked to him ever since Dan hit me, always avoided his attempts to contact me and I knew he noticed, but I just brushed him off because that's what Daniel told me to do. I was sort of expecting him to be angry or just done with me after me constantly ignoring him, but he seemingly wasn't. He asked me to come back with him, and I was obviously really apprehensive at first, because Dan had specifically told me not to, but I figured that it wouldn't do any harm and he kept asking me too so I just couldn't say no?" Zayn had calmed down a bit, voice steadier despite the alcohol, but still soft and fragile as if he could break any second now.

"Harry took me back to his dorm, and he was just talking to me about how he hadn't gotten a new roommate yet, and I was sort of listening to him, not really saying anything because I still felt bad about everything. To make a long story short, he took me back home and somehow coaxed the whole story out of me because it's _Harry,_ and I remember just crying my eyes out at his dorm, and he asked me to show him the bruises so he could see how serious it was and I know he started crying too, and it was just... a _lot,_ to say the least; Finally being able to tell someone about everything I was going through after so long. Haz told me we had to get help, tell someone about it, but I didn't want to — I knew the cops would have to get involved and stuff, and to be honest, I think we both knew whose side they'd take. A Muslim gay boy over a white boy who's had more privilege than I will ever have? Don't think so," The raven haired boy lets out a self-deprecating chuckle as he shakes his head, looking up at the ceiling for a moment.

"Naturally Haz asked me to come back and stay with him, but I knew that I just couldn't because Dan would obviously find out and probably beat me to a pulp as he'd done so many times before. It was nearing the end of first year and Harry told me that the only way this would be put to an end was if I transferred or moved colleges. My first thought was finding an exchange program for myself or something, but Harry pointed out that it would mean that I'd just have to come back after however long, so it wouldn't actually be useful at all. Haz said that he'd do some research for me, since I wasn't actually sure about the transfer rules of the college or any other colleges in the UK, because he knew I didn't want to transfer too far. Thankfully for me, Dan was going home to his parent's house for three weeks and he originally wanted me to go with him, but even he had some sense to know that he couldn't force me to come — I told him it was to go visit my parents, when actually I was planning on making the move to a new college if I found one. Harry contacted me a few days later and told me that he found a college in London that allowed transfers from other colleges in U.K. I knew that I couldn't pack or do anything about my situation while Daniel was still there, so I waited until he was gone and Harry came over and helped me out with everything. I remember him telling me on one of the days that we were packing that he was already packed, and I was really confused about it," Zayn doesn't look quite as sad as before, his face going softer at the mention of Harry like it always did.

"Haz said that he was gonna come with me and he made it sound so obvious, like it was the plan all along. He said that I needed someone to keep me safe because apparently I can't take care of myself, which I _can_ actually, thank you very much. Again, long story short, we dealt with all the complications from both colleges and well, as simple as that, we left. Still don't know how, how Haz got his parents to agree with it, hell, how _I_ got my parents to agree with it still confuses the fuck out of me. Dan attempted to contact me several times the moment he got the message I asked a boy in my English class to pass on to him. He gave up a few weeks into summer, which wasn't too surprising, because like I said, I definitely wasn't the only person he was seeing and he probably didn't care too much about me in the first place. And well, that's it." He finishes quietly, slightly shrugging his shoulders and flicking his gaze up to Niall for a second before looking down at his lap once again.

Niall sat there in silence, still taking in everything the older boy had just told him. Zayn just admitted to being a victim of domestic abuse and he didn't even try to tell anyone about it? Niall can't say he's ever been in a situation like that and that's probably the reason it doesn't make any sense to him, but _still;_ The mere thought of Zayn being put through all of that terrified the fuck out of him, because they both knew Zayn was still wholeheartedly affected by it and would probably always be.

"It was my first relationship and I just had to fuck everything up," Zayn mutters under his breath, letting out a rather sarcastic chuckle. "Don't even know why or how he stayed with me for so long when I was such a fucking loser anyways, I mean-"

Niall cuts him off with a short " _Zayn",_ shaking his head in wonder at the other boy. "Zayn. Ye' know that none of that was yer' fault, right? Tha' boy was fucking psychotic," The blonde says slowly, unable to express his absolute anger and _disgust_ for Daniel. When the older boy doesn’t reply, Niall lets out an disbelieving laugh, shaking his head once more.

"Zayn, ye' didn’t deserve anything that he did to ye'. You didn’t do a _thing_ to bring any of that on you, you shouldn’t have ever been forced to go through tha'. It wasn't yer' fault and it never was, and I'm so so sorry that ye' had to go through it, but ye' need to understand that you are _definitely_ not to blame  for anything that little coward did to you. Taking out his problems on ye' when he should've just grown a pair and learned how to deal with his stupid fucking issues," Niall says under his breath, his blood practically boiling at how angry he was.

Zayn sniffles, his big eyes brimming over with tears again. "Thank you," He mumbles under his breath, shifting slightly closer to Niall. The blonde can tell what he wants and he opens his arms up for Zayn, exhaling a deep sigh when the older boy practically curls in on himself and _onto_ Niall.

The blonde doesn't say anything as he awkwardly places one hand on his hair, placing another comforting hand on the small of his back.  He pets through the raven haired boy's locks, slightly flinching as he lets out a sob, his tiny back heaving under Niall's hand.

Niall continues to stroke the older boy, his sobs gradually getting softer and less frequent. His heart aches a bit with how much he wished he could do this on a daily basis, hold Zayn in his arms and make him feel safe and loved and protected.

A soft sigh escapes his parted lips, but he just bites his lip, afraid that all of his feelings for the older boy will be revealed in just a slip of the tongue; but he's honestly not sure whether it'd be a bad thing or not anymore.


	6. you like it hard like me, it's what you need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some lovely comments inspired me to start up with this again so here it goes :-) x  
> yay for smut, right? c': x
> 
> also not proofread so apologies in advance for any mistakes !!!

After a while, Zayn gets off of Niall's lap and back onto his side of the couch (in a rather awkward manner, if Niall may add) and they've both gone back to silently watching the movie playing on the TV. The older boy still hasn't said anything about their previous conversation, and the blonde is sort of glad about that, still trying to get over his anger at Daniel for being such a fucking prick, and his disbelief at Zayn for actually thinking that the whole thing was his fault. He honestly couldn't be farther from the truth, and it just made him so discontent, the fact that Zayn thought of himself so lowly when he was _so much more._

Sitting there and just stewing in anger probably wasn't the best thing to do and every second of silence that passed by made him more and more fidgety. He absentmindedly nibbled on his nails (a bad habit he was never able to get rid of) as he tried his best to focus on whatever was playing on the telly, biting down on his lip as Zayn reaches for the "whiskey", (Niall had switched it out not long ago) pours a good amount of it in his glass and downs it all in one go — he cringes afterwards, but it was still quite a feat.

Niall honestly thinks he's going to go crazy the longer the silence stretches between the two, and his sigh of relief when Zayn says something is practically audible in the quiet room.

"Your skin is so pale, so unblemished... I like that," Zayn murmurs, his big doe eyes surveying Niall's face thoughtfully.

Niall curses that "pale unblemished" skin as he feels it go hot, his blush definitely causing his skin to go blotchy and red like it always did. He's not sure where the compliment came from, but Zayn's drunk and has a thing for aesthetics so it's probably just the artist in him talking.

"Thanks, Z. Ye' already know I'll never be able to get all tatted up like ya', so I'm gonna be unblemished for a while," Niall says this teasingly, but in actuality, he _loveslovesloves_ and cherishes all of the older boy's tattoos, loves how the black stark ink stands out against his tan skin, loves how good they look on him, loves spending time making up stories for why he has the ones that he has.

"Why d'ya have so many tattoos?" Niall questions contemplatively after a second, the telly still on a low volume in the background.

The older boy's skin flushes at that, and he bites down on his lower lip, eyes flickering down to the floor before looking up at Niall sort of mischievously, like he's holding something back.

"Wellll," He drags it out playfully, his lips curving up into an absolutely adorable smirk. "They've all obviously got their own emotional significance, that, and," He pauses, cheeks going even redder as he maintains steady eye contact with the younger boy.

"I like it." He finishes, lifting his shoulders up into a light shrug. Niall tilts his head at the raven haired boy, raising his eyebrows as he waits for him to continue.

"Like what?" Niall finally prompts after Zayn doesn't say anything else, his head still slightly tilted to the left.

"The pain." The older boy answers simply, his voice serious despite the throaty quality that's set in.

Niall falters, eyes widening slightly. He didn't peg Zayn to be someone who was into things like that, but what did he know?  

"I know what you're thinking, but like, it's always been a thing. It's definitely not a self-harm thing and has nothing to do with Dan so please don't ask about him," Zayn's tone goes quite defensive, but if Niall was being completely honest, the thought hadn't even crossed his mind. To be completely honest, he was rather preoccupied with the thought that the older boy was into _pain_ of all things, that he _enjoyed_ being hurt -- Niall really couldn't help it when he distantly wondered whether it was like that in the bedroom too.

"Um," Niall says intelligently as he goes a bit pink at the thought, honestly unable to help himself at the jolt of arousal at the look Zayn is giving him, watching the younger boy through his eyelashes with his full bottom lip between his teeth.

"What about you?" Zayn finally questions after a moment of the heated silence, raising an inquisitive brow. The blonde tilts his head slightly as he mirrors the raised brow, unsure of what exactly he was asking of him.

 "I mean, what are you into? It's only fair," He mumbles, the second sentence slurring slightly. It only reminds Niall of the older boy's current lack of sobriety, even despite the blonde switching out the whiskey for water. Niall hasn't been with enough boys to even have any _things_ if he's being honest; He's never actually had a proper boyfriend, but he's still got some experience with the actual sex aspect of it but never any of the relationship stuff. He's fucked quite a few people and even been fucked, but he's never properly dated any boys, only girls. He doesn't think the older boy realizes it, but they're actually not too far apart when it comes to experience.

"Zee, was Daniel the only boy you've been with?" Niall settles for asking instead of answering the older boy's original question. The raven haired boy gives a noncommittal shrug, frowning slightly and shifting away a bit as if he was disappointed with the question.

Niall didn't really like the prospects of what would happen if he had actually answered, because Zayn was drunk and vulnerable and nothing good could or would come from hooking up with Zayn when he was so out of his mind -- he honestly wasn't sure whether he'd be able to pass up the opportunity if it presented itself though, and that was what worried him the most. Zayn had an excuse for anything he did to the younger boy, he was completely pissed; Niall, on the other hand had absolutely no excuse for anything that happened between the two now.

"We were in London for the summer, as you know, and, um, I was staying with Haz and one of his friends from here and I'd sometimes go out with them to clubs and whatnot and like. It probably wasn't the best idea for me back then but I just needed to forget so I hooked up with people practically every night we went, don't think I woke up in Haz's friend's house for even a few days while we were here. It wasn't too hard for me to find people to go home with every night, something I still don’t get, but yeah. To say that I haven't slept with a lot of guys would be a lie," Niall almost couldn't resist rolling his eyes because _duh,_ Zayn was arguably one of the most beautiful people the blonde has ever seen, and he knew that the normal boy wouldn't be able to pass up the opportunity to sleep with him if they could. The fact that the older boy didn't know why it wasn't hard to find people proved the fact that he was so unaware of his own beauty, which Niall still honestly couldn't believe.

The blonde hums in acknowledgement, raising an eyebrow as the Zayn shifts a tad closer and places a hand on Niall's chest. He tilts his head so his neck is slightly bared as he bites down on his lip, blinking coyly through his eyelashes up at the younger boy.

"Ya' didn't answer my question from earlier," He says sweetly, honey practically dripping off of the murmured words. His big eyes are clouded over with what Niall saw earlier at the club, his pupils dilated and cheeks flushed.

"Zayn." Niall says, his voice stern -- yet he's unable to move away from the older boy, almost captured in a trance as he stares back at Zayn, eyes flicking down to his full lips.  

Those very lips are on his the next second and Niall's too shocked to even reciprocate, fireworks bursting behind his eyes which close instinctively. He pulls away after a moment of just a rough press of lips against lips, mind spinning as his thoughts whirl out of control.

"It's just a kiss, Ni," The older boy murmurs as he shifts even closer, hand still placed on Niall's chest, the other finding its way onto the blonde's knee. "Just stop thinking so much, yeah? For me?" His voice is gentle and smooth, husky like he's trying to seduce the younger boy just with his throaty tone. Niall wants to listen, for whatever reason, his mind going blank when Zayn leans in again.

Zayn kisses with his tongue first which Niall can't help but find extremely endearing, parting his lips so the older boy could flick his tongue inside. When the blonde licks inside the older boy's mouth, all he can taste is alcohol and remnants of the cigarette he probably smoked before the club and he hadn't known how much he needed the taste; the only problem was that now he'd constantly be craving it.

The older boy shifts so that he's on Niall's lap once more, and the blonde's hands instinctively find Zayn's waist as he grips him a bit tighter than necessary, in order to ground himself. Zayn honest to god _whimpers_ right into Niall's mouth, all desperate like as he grips Niall's shoulders and whines loudly again. He's _loud,_ something Niall hadn't really been expecting and he couldn't help but wonder, if Zayn was so noisy while they were just kissing, what would he be like if the blonde actually got his fingers, tongue or maybe even his cock in him? The thought makes Niall's hips instinctively jerk up and the older boy moans into his mouth, grinding down onto his lap.

"We can't do this, yer' drunk and I'm not taking advantage of you like this…" Niall pleads, eyes flickering down the older's body, almost wanting to cry at his obviously tented skinny jeans. He _wants_ Zayn, has wanted him since he laid eyes on him and he can feel his resolve slowly slipping at the pout that the raven haired boy is giving him.

"It's not taking advantage of me though, I want you so bad," Zayn mumbles, eyes flicking downwards as he raises a hand to his neck and tilts it slightly. A pose that's clearly been practiced because he's _beautiful,_ and the blonde feels his heart swell a little bit because of the gorgeous boy on his lap.

"C'mon, just let me..." Zayn trails off as he leans forward again, and he's giving Niall enough time to pull away but he has no self-control when it comes to the older boy and he lets their lips meet yet again in a soft kiss. Niall watches as the raven haired boy shrugs off the flannel and leans forward again for another absolutely filthy kiss, all tongue and teeth, which; how he goes from being so adorable to so dirty in the matter of a few seconds baffles him.

Zayn pulls away from the kiss again, using the blonde's momentary distraction (more like a _we)_ to pull his shirt off over his head, before tossing it down on the couch. The older boy is now shirtless and on his lap, and Niall's about ready to just get up and leave if stops him from doing anything else to Zayn.

Niall can't help himself when his gaze strays down the older's skinny chest, his tattoos doing _something_ to him, because he's never had the chance to be so up close and personal with all of them, and they're more beautiful than he previously thought. Zayn's earlier words about the fact that he got so many tattoos because he liked the pain entered his mind and he felt a jolt of electricity straight through his body, closing his eyes for a second to steady himself.

"God, you're so hot," Zayn mumbles as he runs his fingers through the blonde's already messed up hair, leaning forward to press his lips to the younger's neck. His lips part and he's sucking hard enough to bruise now, nipping at Niall's neck and making him moan. The older boy pulls away to admire the quickly forming bruise, a little proud smile gracing his slightly swollen lips.

"Fuckin' sadist," Niall remarks amusedly, bringing a hand up to rub at his neck which actually hurts quite a bit, if he's being honest. The raven haired boy doesn't reply to or deny the younger's words, simply shrugging innocently and giving him an absolutely adorable smile. He's just so _endearing,_ all tiny and flushed on his lap, harsh bones poking him in more than one place.

Zayn leans in a bit again, the blonde tilting his head so the older boy has better access to his neck since he so obviously wants it. He lets out a soft pleased noise, trailing kisses up his neck before he's nipping at the skin again, taking a few moments before he's sucking in another bruise, higher up this time. Niall _should_ really mind, since covering up hickies isn't something he's very good at; but he doesn't say a thing, because he actually likes the thought of Zayn leaving bruises on him, wants him to leave his mark all over his body.

"Fuck, Zayn," He whines as the older boy bites purposefully hard, high in his throat as his hips buck up without his permission. A whimper leaves Zayn's lips as he returns the thrust with a little jerky movement of his own, grinding down on Niall's lap and ducking his head down so his forehead was resting on Niall's shoulder. He pressed a mindless kiss to the exposed skin of his shoulder, mumbling out a curse when Niall can't help but jerk up again.                    

The raven haired boy pulls away from Niall, before getting off of him and getting onto the carpeted floor instead.  He's on his knees and it's obvious what he's about to do, but he doesn't make a move to touch Niall, just blinking up at the younger boy through his eyelashes. "Please let me have your cock," He mumbles sweetly, biting down on his plush bottom lip and tilting his head to the side.

The blonde groans out at that, arousal all but a haze, surrounding the two of them and thick enough to make Niall feel like he's about to choke. Niall simply hums in response, regret slipping away between his fingers because there was no way he would be able to say no to Zayn when he was like this, on his knees for him. His eyes close as he feels the older boy unzipping and pulling his jeans down his legs, feeling selfish and inconsiderate all at once. Those thoughts leave his mind the moment his boxers are about to be pulled off by the older, however.

"Wait, Zayn," He says softly, opening his eyes and biting down on his lip as his eyes meet Zayn's. "Are ye' sure this is okay? God, I don't want ya' to do anything yer' not comfortable with," It's hard to talk to the older boy when he's looking up at Niall quite like _that_ so he averts his gaze to somewhere behind his shoulder, although that doesn't help much either.

Zayn chuckles smoothly, looking like he's about to roll his eyes in a _duh_ sort of manner. "I wouldn't be on my knees for you if I wasn't okay, Niall. C'mon," He mumbles, before shaking his head slightly and shuffling closer so he's in the right place to do what he wants to do. Zayn's stopped slurring as much so the blonde can't help but assume that he's sobered up, even if it's just a little bit so he tries to convince himself that he knows what he's doing.

"Okay, Zayn," Niall finally acknowledges in response, nodding his head to himself -- it was honestly more like he was trying to convince himself rather than convince Zayn because he already seemed pretty set on sucking him off.

The older boy looks pleased, sending the blonde a small smile before he's pulling off his boxers completely, letting out the filthiest noise at the sight of Niall's cock.

He doesn't waste too much time before he's steadily gripping at the blonde's dick, tugging a few times so he can spread the precome evenly around the rest of his cock. It's a moment later until he's going in, sucking the head of Niall's dick deep into his mouth.

Zayn lets out the sweetest whimper around the tip of Niall's dick, shuffling closer a bit so he can have better access. It's not long before he's going down further, the blond unable to help himself from groaning when he can feel the older's throat flutter around him.

"Jesus fuck, Zayn," He says gruffly as his hands find the raven haired boy's head, fingers threading through the soft strands in some attempt to ground himself as his hips jerk up a bit instinctively. He feels bad about it almost immediately after, cursing softly when the smaller boy has to pull away to cough.

"Shit, I'm so sorry, Zayn," His words die on his tongue when the older boy looks up and properly meets his eyes, tears clumping his eyelashes together and cheeks the most flushed that Niall's ever seen. His eyes are blown completely black with lust, lips looking plump and swollen, although more than usual.

"I, I told you. I like it," He finally murmurs after a second, voice absolutely gone throaty and dark with arousal. Niall can't help but notice that that's the second time Zayn's got tears in his eyes that night, although for a completely different reason this time. It takes him a moment to regain his control before he's going in again, no prelude this time as he sucks him deep into his mouth.

"Oh my god," Niall groans, mouth falling open as Zayn puts both of his hands behind his back, deep throating the blonde's dick in one quick movement. Niall's hips lift again, almost without his permission as he fucks the older boy's mouth, feeling hot and drawn tight and strung up all at once. He doesn't think he's ever felt so all consumed before and he honestly think that Zayn's mouth is one of the best things he's ever felt and it's all he can do to not just fuck up into the older boy's mouth as hard as he'd actually like to.

He's careful like he always is with Zayn but he doesn’t seem to be having it, forcing himself down on Niall's cock and moaning only when he's being properly choked. He doesn’t let up until there are tears running down his cheeks and the older boy choking himself on his cock is the single most beautiful thing he's ever seen in his life; his moans are unrestricted and shameless now.

Zayn pulls away for a moment so he can tongue at the slit, hands still tight behind his back. _"Yours,"_ He whines softly, before he takes Niall all the way back in again; it's that one word that makes the blonde lose it, his hips jerking up into the wonderful heat of Zayn's mouth as he comes, closing his eyes at the sound of the smaller boy choking on his dick.

When he's finally come down, he slowly opens his eyes and lets out a small noise at the sight of Zayn. He's sat back on his haunches, cock looking almost _painful_ with the way it's strained against the fabric of his trousers -- he doesn't understand how the older boy has refrained from touching himself yet, because Niall knows he'd never have that kind of self-control.

"C'mere," The blonde says gruffly, voice hoarse from all the moaning; He can only wonder what the raven haired boy sounds like now. Zayn gets up and Niall doesn’t waste too much time before he's manhandling the other boy onto his lap and yanking off his trousers and boxers a bit rougher than either of them were expecting -- he really can't help it, the older boy just does something to him.

The blonde flips them easily until Zayn's back is pressed against the couch, looking absolutely _ruined,_ skinny chest heaving with the force of his deep breaths in. "God," Niall groans when he finally gets a hand around Zayn's dick, eyes focused on the way his eyes flutter close as his mouth falls open.

"Fuck, princess," He's not sure why the word escapes him but the older boy absolutely _whimpers_ at that, hips thrusting up into Niall's grip like he can't control himself. "Please Niall, please," Zayn moans as he jerks up again, little whimpers and whines escaping his lips.

"Ye' get off on being called that, don't ya?" Niall questions harshly as his hand stills on the older's cock and he pulls him off with slow, torturous strokes as he pins him down with the other hand. The raven haired boy lets out a whimper that sounds a lot like a _yes,_ staring up at Niall with the most desperate look in his eyes.

"Yeah? You gonna dress up in stockings and panties for me and be my little princess?" Zayn's mouth drops open as he stares up at Niall in _shock_ and _lust_ at the same time _,_ hips thrusting up before he comes in short pulses, whining and whimpering the whole way through.

They're both breathing hard as the older boy comes down, the blonde honestly unsure of where that last sentence even came from. He had never been a particularly kinky person before but again, the older boy just did something to him and he found it difficult to contain himself when it came to him.

"Knew ya' were fucking kinky," Zayn mumbles slowly under his breath, shaking his head a bit as a soft smile graces his lips, although it's not quite fully there.

While that was probably the hottest thing that Niall has ever had the pleasure of experiencing, he's not sure now whether it was the right thing to do when Zayn was just so vulnerable -- the thought leaves his mind when the other boy cuddles up close to him, pressing a hand to his cheek.

 

 

"'M sleepy, Ni," Zayn mumbles as he cuddles in closer, the softest sigh leaving his lips as his eyes close, eyelashes fluttering over his delicate cheeks.  The blonde hums, trying his best to not do something embarrassing like coo. "Let's go, love," He says gently, sitting up and guiding the older boy with a hand on the small of his back. He only lets him get his boxers on before he's pulling him up, sleepy as well and not wanting to waste too much time before they get to bed.

As they make their way to the blonde's room, Zayn shuffles closer until he's basically leaning on the blonde, obviously wanting some proximity. Niall wraps an arm around his waist and he leads him to his bed, gesturing for him to lie down. He does, and Niall just has to tuck him in properly before he makes his way to the bathroom (the one good thing about sharing the rent with two other people, better services) to brush his teeth, before he's making his way back into bed and closing the lights and then getting under the covers with Zayn.

He presses a kiss to his forehead as they lay together in silence, the older boy letting out a little yawn. Niall likes him even more now which he didn't even think was possible, but he definitely did. "G'nite," Zayn murmurs, Niall acknowledging his words with a little hum.

It looked like all he could do now was go to sleep because there obviously wasn't any point in regretting anything now -- He just hoped that Zayn's feelings were somewhere close to where his were, because he wasn't sure whether he'd ever be able to deal with rejection from Zayn if he wasn’t drunk.

He just hoped that Zayn was there when he woke up in the morning, because he really needed to tell the other boy properly about his feelings; he didn't want to be just another fling on Zayn's list of forgotten hookups, he wanted to be his boyfriend and wanted to go to sleep like this with him and wake up with him and be able to hold his hand and make sure that he knows that he's _loved._ But he'll never be able to do it unless he actually tells the older boy about his feelings. He's got the courage to do it now, but would Zayn even be interested in him if it wasn't just a drunk hookup in the first place? He'll get his answer tomorrow, and Niall's not so sure that he'll be entirely pleased with it.


	7. open up and see what's inside of my mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't even know why i'm updating this when there's defo no one reading it bc i suck at updates and no one even reads ziall anymore but !!!!!!! i really wanted to finish a fic so i actually am gonna try to finish this one, regardless of the lack of viewers ok :-) :-)

Niall's awoken by the light streaming through the blinds he forgot to close, letting out a little groan as he throws his left arm over his eyes to shield them as best he can. He opens his eyes a bit more as he looks over to the other side of the bed, his heart fluttering a tad at the sight of Zayn, dark hair a halo around his head, little breaths escaping his parted lips as he sleeps. God, he's just the most gorgeous thing that Niall's ever seen and he knows that he's in deep because he doesn’t think he's ever been this pleased to see someone in bed with him before.

He uses the hand that's not slung around Zayn's waist to brush his fingers through the older's hair, letting out a little content sigh as he leans forward once more to press a feather light kiss to his forehead. When he reaches over to pick up his phone and he flashes the screen on, his eyebrows knit into a slight frown at the fact that it's only seven. He was so used to waking up per college timings that his sleep schedule was fucked, but it didn't look like Zayn was getting up anytime soon so he set his phone down and snuggled in closer to him, closing his eyes with the smallest smile on his lips.

 

It feels like an hour or two has passed the next time Niall wakes up, but this time it's because he feels a flurry of movement on the other side of the bed. He blinks his eyes open, looking over again and seeing Zayn's back to him. He hadn’t felt the other boy leaving what Niall thought was a tight hold on him, but apparently he had.

A smile crept onto his lips as his eyes flickered down the older's back, admiring his fantail tattoo and his otherwise blemish free skin. "Morning, beautiful," Niall says softly, his eyebrows knitting into a slight frown as he doesn't turn to face him, instead just looks down, at least from what Niall can see.

"Zayn?" He questions gently, before sitting up in bed and scooting a bit closer, placing a hand on the back of his neck —  it's warm, except it's warm in a way that almost makes Niall think that the older boy is overheated.

His frown only deepens when the older boy flinches away, the tiniest whimper leaving his lips. A bad feeling sits in the blonde's stomach as he gets up off the bed and goes to stand in front of Zayn. "Zayn, what's gotten into ye'?" Niall questions concernedly as he finally gets a good look at the raven haired boy, almost gasping at the sight of him. His eyes were red rimmed and rubbed raw, looking as if he had been crying. He looked paler than usual as well, kind of like he was about to be sick or something. The bad feeling settled lower in his stomach, and he already knew that something was very, very wrong.

Niall placed a hand on the older's forehead so he could properly check if he was coming down with something or not, but Zayn flinched away once more, like he had been burned. "Don't fucking touch me," He hisses, fingers clenched tightly around the blanket as he pulled it up over his bare body, so he was covered from the waist up. He still had his boxers on, from what Niall saw earlier but he was naked save that.

Niall almost couldn't believe his ears, staring at the older boy, shocked that he had lashed out at him like that. "I, I don't understand," The blonde says slowly, stammering over his words like he did every time he was nervous or he wasn't sure exactly what to say.

"What the fuck do you not understand, Niall?" Zayn replies harshly, his tone reminiscent of one that he would use when they first met; like the blonde was a stranger again and not someone that he had gotten close to over the last few _months_. Niall brings a hand up to run through his hair anxiously, before crossing his arms over his chest, unsure of how he was meant to reply to that.

Much to the blonde's surprise, the older boy lets out this small, whimpering noise and then there's tears pooling at his eyes before they're running down his cheeks instead. He watches as Zayn wraps his frail arms around his already sunken in frame, back heaving with the force of his sobs, just like last night.

"God, I-I trusted you with everything, you're the only fucking person that I thought I could open up to, I'm such a fucking stupid idiot, why did I think that I could trust you when you were just gonna fuck me over like everyone else?" Zayn's words are barely comprehensible through the tears, just little sobs and whimpers coming through —  Niall's able to get the gist though, although he really doesn't understand where any of this is coming from when the older boy seemed perfectly fine last night after what happened.

"Why the fuck did you think it'd be okay to take advantage of me after I told you about everything? Was fucking me your twisted way of somehow trying to make me feel better about what happened? Because guess what, it doesn't actually fucking help with anything unless it was your intention to use me and screw me over like every other fucking person in this world because then congratulations, you succeeded," Zayn's tone is the most bitter Niall's ever heard it, even more grating than the tone he used while talking about Daniel and the thought scared him more than anything.  

"Don't know why I thought you were fucking different than the rest, thought that maybe someone could help me recover but I guess I was wrong, as per," Zayn shakes his head with a resentful chuckle, even through the tears. 

"Zayn, God, I don' know what to say," Niall says softly, ignoring the tears stinging at his own eyes and the tight feeling in his chest.

"There's nothing for you to say to me. Just take me home," The older boy says coldly, eyes flicking down like he's refusing to make eye contact with the blonde. Despite the anger, it was obvious that he was still mostly _sad,_ drawn in on himself and small. Niall wants to try and explain himself at the very least, because even though he doesn't like being the reason that the older boy is crying, he deserves a justification of his own.

"But, Zayn, we didn't have sex last night. I know that doesn't change much but the only reason that we didn’t was because _I_ said no when ye' wanted to —  In fact, taking advantage of ye' last night was the last thing that I wanted ta' do and I thought ya' would've been able to remember that since I even switched out the alcohol, but I guess not and tha' was my mistake. I'm so-," Zayn looks up at Niall when he begins talking and he keeps the eye contact even when he cuts him off.

"I-I, um, initiated it?" Zayn questions softly, sniffling softly as he crosses his arms over his chest as well, mirroring the blonde's actions.

Niall's eyebrows knit into a light frown as he shrugs evasively, not wanting the older boy to use that as an excuse for him being wrong but not wanting to lie either. "Uh, yes. Ye' kissed me first and when I tried to tell ye' that it probably wasn't such a good idea when ye' still seemed kind of out of it, but um, ye' just, uh, continued. That doesn't change anything though," He's cut off once more by the older boy letting out a little noise as his eyes fill with tears again, before he's taking his head into his hands.

"God, what the fuck is wrong with me? I practically forced myself onto you, didn't I? How the fuck am I blaming you for taking advantage of me when I basically took advantage of you? Fucking hell," Zayn's hysterically babbling now, shaking his head and looking two seconds away from just exploding into a bout of tears. Niall feels bad about saying anything in the first place, because he's pretty sure that he's just managed to make the older boy feel even worse about himself; although that really wasn't his intention, he just wanted Zayn to know what really happened.

"Zayn, I'm sorry, I just didn't know what ta' do and it was kind of hard to y'know, say no when… I like ye'. I really do like ya', and I wasn't trying to make ye' feel bad about what happened nor was I trying to take advantage of ye', I just… I haven't liked someone the way I do with ye' in so long, and I…" Niall trails off uncertainly, his heart falling when the older boy shakily gets up, still sniffling all the while.

"No. I don't… I don't want to hear all this right now. I can't, can you just please take me home? I'm sorry for yelling at you for no reason," Zayn says this all calmly, even though his tone is yet again one he'd use for talking to a stranger. It's obvious he's not as composed as he's trying to seem though, judging by the few stray tears still running down his cheeks.

"But, Zayn," Niall steps forward, placing a hand on the older boy's shoulder and wincing when he flinches away again. "No, please just get me home," Zayn mumbles coolly, wrapping his arm around himself and looking down, eyes not meeting the blonde's.

Niall stands there for a moment, staring at the older boy before he bites down on his lip and shrugs slightly, not sure what else he could do. "Fine, whatever. Can ye'… just find yer' clothes?" He questions softly, his lips tilted down in a sad slant. He's aware of how disappointed he looks, he can see it when the older boy looks up at him properly and Zayn's face just says it all.

The raven haired boy looks like he's about to cry even more but he doesn't, the softest sigh leaving his lips before he goes off to find his clothes. Niall sits on the bed, crouching over and placing his head in his hands and letting out a long groan.

It didn't take a lot to understand what actually just happened. At first, the older boy thought that the blonde had taken advantage of him last night because he was drunk and actually went all the way with him. But what he didn't realize was that it was Niall trying to stop the whole affair when he initiated it himself, and when he realized that that was really the case, he lost it —  It was as if Zayn was accusing Niall of what he himself had actually done. Or at least, that was what Niall assumed was the older's thought process.

In all honesty, Niall just felt horrible for letting Zayn do what he did when he knew that he was still in such a fragile state of mind but; Niall _likes_ him, has liked him for a while now and not just since last night. He's stolen from his thoughts when Zayn clears his throat and Niall looks up to see him stood there in the white shirt the blonde was wearing last night. He doesn't comment on it, just shaking his head slightly before standing, realizing that he's still in his boxers.

"Can ye' give me a mo' so I can put some clothes on?" Niall asks flatly, almost wanting to start crying himself when he sees the older boy's gaze flicking down to his neck which he _knows_ is littered with hickies. Zayn lets out a cursory but soft " _my god_ " before he just nods absentmindedly, leaving the room.

Niall sighs before he quickly pulls on something, his eyebrows knitting into a frown as he leaves the room and finds Zayn sat on the couch, his thoughts automatically going back to last night when the older boy was sat in a similar position. Niall just didn't know what to say or do _,_ a deep feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't someone who was ever clueless in situations, but he didn't really know what else to do, at this point. It wasn't like he was going to be able to get through to Zayn no matter what he said, so he didn't really know what to do but not say anything.

"C'mon," Niall mumbles, gesturing towards the door with his head before turning around and making his way out. He doesn’t bother even looking at the older boy, only knowing that it's going to make his heart hurt even more.

It's apparent that the older boy's forgotten that he doesn't have a car, judging by the quick look of surprise that flashes on his features, when he sees the uber car outside the dorm, before he looks like he remembers, biting down lightly on his lower lip. Niall takes the remembrance as a sign that he doesn't really need to accompany the raven haired boy on his journey back home, so he acknowledges him with a little tip of his head before he's off.  

The blonde makes his way back up to his room and immediately collapses down onto the bed, and it's only a second later until he's crying, unable to help himself. After finally working up the courage to tell Zayn how he felt, the only reaction he got was the older boy walking out on him —  It was obvious now that he didn't feel the same way, and last night was only a drunken mistake, no matter how much Niall wishes it wasn't.

The blonde's eyes fall heavily shut with his tears, and he doesn't bother trying to open them again.

 

He's awoken for the third time today, but this time by the sound of laughter. He blearily blinks his eyes open, clutching his head as he lets out a little noise.

"Niall? What the fuck happened last night?" It takes a second for him to realize that it's Louis, who's clearly sat next to him on the bed. Harry's sat right next to him, and Niall has a slight feeling that the only reason that they're there is because Zayn kicked them out just like he said he would.

"Feck off," Niall groans, his voice absolutely fucked due to the fact that he had been crying for a good ten minutes before he had fallen asleep.

"No, tell us what happened last night," Louis says softly, leaning forward slightly and placing a large hand on the blonde's overheated forehead. "God, what the fuck happened to you? Niall, are you sick or sommat?" The brunette's voice wavering slightly once he realizes what state his best friend was really in.

"Harry, babe, do you mind leaving me with Niall for a minute? Can you just wait in my room so I can talk to him?" Louis' voice had gone fiercely protective like it always did when it came to the blonde, and Niall felt a twinge of love for the older boy. He was always the one picking up the broken pieces after the younger boy when it came to things like this, which Niall was always extremely grateful for. Niall couldn't see what was happening because he had pulled a pillow over his face because of the light streaming through now due to Louis and Harry. He could, however, hear the younger boy padding out of the room and closing the door behind him.

Niall finally set the pillow down, throwing an arm over his eyes instead and letting out another soft groan. "Louis, can ye' just leave me alone for a bit? Go spend some time with Haz or something, I just, I just need to be by myself for some time," Niall almost cringes at the use of the word "Haz", wondering what other words that were regularly used by Zayn had made their way into his vocabulary. Just like how Zayn himself had managed to make a place for himself in Niall's heart. The thought of the older boy caused him to sadden slightly, however no tears were brought to his eyes because the blond was almost sure that he was cried out.

"Not until you tell me what went on last night, Niall. Z didn't say anything nor did he hint at anything being wrong, just told us that he wanted some time by himself which Harry said was normal but you being holed up like this is _not_ normal, Niall," Louis' tone is firm, and if it was any other situation, Niall would have immediately spilt everything to him but he didn't want to tell the older boy _anything_ about last night.

Louis really was the only person that was ever able to get anything out of Niall when he was in a mood (which was rarely, Niall almost never let anything get to him but he was only human). He was almost twice as effective as Liam, who, of course, tried his best when it came to comforting upset people; however, Liam's approach to things was to just make the other person forget about it which obviously didn't work in the long run. Louis, on the other hand, was very effective with getting people to reveal things to him, and then he usually talked some sense into them with the use of a lot of insults and curses, which, as ineffective as it sounded, really did work. But Zayn was a completely different situation because Zayn meant something to him and it wasn't fair of Niall to tell Louis anything without the older boy's permission, not that he wanted to anyways. 

The brunette tugged Niall's shoulder when he realized that he wasn't getting a response, causing him to roll over slightly so that Louis could get a better look at his face. "Niall, what the fuck, have you been crying?" The blond cringes, having a tad idea about what exactly he looked like at that moment.

"What did Z do to you last night? God, I swear I'm gonna get Liam to fuck him up, I don’t even care if Harry has to say anything. This isn't okay, Niall," Niall lets Louis continue his plight, not bothering to stop or interrupt him. The thing was, while Louis was rather loud and had no problems when it came to the screaming part of things, he lacked any upper body strength and was as intimidating as an eight year old in front of new people. Liam was the one with the muscles and of course, Liam did anything that Louis wanted him to and if Louis wanted to scare someone, Liam was always the person that he went to. Liam was nothing but a little puppy in front of them, but he honestly turned himself into whatever Louis wanted him to be and it was painful to watch when you knew how much Liam actually fancied the older lad. Now that he thought about it, maybe Liam finally had someone to talk to about an unrequited infatuation.

"He didn't do anything, can ye' just stop talking for a second?" Niall says tiredly once he's tired of listening to Louis go on and on about whatever he was prattling about. The blonde rubs at his temples, almost wishing that he could just go back in time and undo everything that had been done. There were no excuses for the fact that Niall had let Zayn do what he had done last night when he _knew_ that he still wasn't okay after the whole Daniel situation. Zayn was hurting, and Niall knew that people did dumb things when they were hurting and he shouldn't have let Zayn come near him. But Niall was helpless because even after all that had happened, it didn't change the fact that he _liked_ Zayn and he just found it so difficult to control himself around the older boy. And he _knew_ that Zayn felt the same about him because he had never seen the raven haired boy let himself go around other people like he did with Niall. It was fucking _horrible,_ being stuck in a situation where you knew that everything was your goddamn fault and there was nothing that you could do about it. What was even worse was that Niall had no one to go to for advice because what Zayn told him last night would have to remain with the blond, because he would never resort to spilling the older boy's story in order to get some advice. It just wasn't the way Niall worked.

He took a deep breath when he realized that Louis was still sitting there, and he knew that he would have to say something, anything to get Louis to leave him alone. "Listen, Zayn was drunk last night. I let him do some stuff that he shouldn't have done because he was fucking drunk, Louis. You never let someone come onto you when they're drunk, especially not when you're sober enough to control yourself. I know I fucked up, but it was so hard to say no when I like him," That was about as precise as he could get without mentioning the whole other fucked up side of the story, which was what Zayn told him last night.

"Niall, he had to have understood. What, did you fuck? I would be pretty pissed if I was in his place, but just give him some time. We're in college, for fuck's sake, I'm sure he's smart enough to understand how college works," Louis says as he places a hand on Niall's middle, nodding to punctuate his words.

"That's not the fucking point, Louis. How am I ever gonna gain his trust back when I fucked up so badly?" Niall's tone was rueful, and if it was any other situation, any other _person,_ Niall would have understood and agreed with Louis but not with Zayn. Zayn was so much more than a drunken hookup and he deserved so much more from Niall. 

Niall just couldn't listen to Louis talk for any longer, which he looked like he was about to do, so the blond just cut him off before he had a chance to say anything else. "I'll just give him some time to himself, Louis, its fine. Anyways, what happened with you last night? You were cozying up with Harry at the bar and then ye' were nowhere to be seen," No matter how much he cared about Louis, he just couldn't bring himself to put any hint of conviction in the question because the answer honestly didn't matter to him at the moment. But there was nothing for him to do except to push Zayn out of his mind for the time being so that was what he decided he would do.

Louis didn't look as if he was completely done with the subject of Zayn and Niall, but when it came to the older boy, he himself was his own favorite topic and it was as simple as that. "We're coming back to this later," He noted with a little frown, before it was quickly replaced with a toothy grin. "You're not gonna believe me when I tell you what happened last night," Louis said, his grin widening slightly.

Niall's eyebrows knit into a slight frown at Louis' face, unsure of why he looked so goddamn happy. "What happened?" He questioned, acting coy although he was almost positive that he knew exactly what Louis would say. It wasn't that suspenseful because when it came to Louis, there were only so few things that he could be happy about after spending the night with someone. What wasn't exactly normal however, was the fact that Louis had taken his fling home. That was probably a first for the older boy, and he distantly wondered what effect this new "relationship" would have on Liam.

"Nothing, Niall," He said impishly, his grin seeming to widen with every word that left his mouth. "Absolutely nothing."

And see, if it was _anyone fucking else,_ going home with someone else and doing nothing meant that there was definitely something wrong. But for Louis? It was _unheard of,_ and Niall almost couldn’t believe the fact that they hadn't done anything together. Simply put, Louis wasn't the kind of person that believed in marriage before sex or waiting or any of the ideals that most people had. In fact, he was the complete opposite of someone with ideals and them not doing anything only meant one thing.

"I mean, we snogged a bit in his room but that's about it. And trust me, us not doing anything wasn’t down to lack of passion or anything because, _Niall._ That, and Harry clearly doesn't believe in waiting either because he looked about ready to bend over for me right then and there-" Niall didn't even flinch, used to hearing about the graphic details of Louis' many, many hookups. "But I told him that I thought we actually had something between us and we could wait before doing anything that either of us would regret in the morning? So yep, we snogged a bit, but then we got down to talking and we have so much in common, Niall. I never would have guessed from just looking at him, I swear. And we stayed up talking till like two, or three and we slept together. But, I mean, _just_ sleeping. Nothing else. Y'know what that means, right?" Louis questions with another grin playing on his lips.

"Yeah, Lou, I know what that means. Didn't think ya' were that serious about Haz though, t'be completely honest," Niall admitted with a little shrug of his shoulders, worrying his lower lip. He couldn’t remember the last time that Louis had actually been serious about someone —  what he did remember, however, was how Liam reacted the last time Louis had fallen for someone.

Of course the blonde was happy for Louis, he really did like Harry and thought he complimented Louis nicely. He just didn't want to see the fake smile that would adorn Liam's lips every time the two were with each other. He didn't want to have to console Liam when the older lad was crying into his pillow at the fact that Louis would never ever see him, really _see_ him the way that Liam wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, and he just wished sometimes that it was possible to be happy for both of his best friends at the same time. But he knew, better than anyone, that that wouldn't be happening anytime soon.

"That's great, Lou. 'M happy for you," He said sincerely, forcing a small smile as he nodded encouragingly. "Guess we're keeping Haz then, yeah?" Niall said playfully, finally sitting up properly in bed and running a hand through his messy hair.

"Yeah, and Zayn. Speaking of our steadily increasing friends group, where's Liam?" He questioned absently, his eyebrows drawing down into a soft frown.

"Uh, at some bloke's dorm, I suppose. He went home with someone last night and hasn't texted me since," Niall said with a little shrug of his shoulders, biting down gently on his bottom lip as he glanced towards his phone which was resting on the little table next to his bed. He reached over, only to find out that his phone was dead. When he looked up again, Louis looked rather disappointed, his mouth turned down into a slant and his eyebrows still drawn.

"What's wrong? Why does yer' face look like that?" Niall asks, eyebrows raised slightly at the older's expression.

"This is how I was _born,_ Niall, thank you very much. And it's just. I don't know, I don’t like the thought of our precious Leeyum going home with a bunch of strangers. Just doesn't sit right with me." He explained, almost sounding a little bit defensive. Niall understood what he meant, however he found the words rather hypocritical coming from Louis.

"Don't think that's fair coming from ye' of all people, Lou," The blonde replied, crossing his arms over his chest. "But whatever. I know what ye' mean, but ye' forget sometimes that Li is just as old as both of us and knows how to take care of himself. Ya' gotta just let him be, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, world's biggest slag, I've heard it all. I'm just worried about him, y'know? You _know_ how Liam is, he's a relationship sort of person and I don't think it’s healthy for him, going home with new people every time we go out. D'ya think I should talk to him about it or something?" It was sweet, the fact that Louis was so concerned about Liam but Niall couldn’t help but find it a bit funny that Louis noticed little things like this but didn't see bigger things, like the fact that Liam was _in love_ with him.

"Ye' can talk about it to him if ye'd like, but try not to condescend too much, yeah? Ye' know how ye' get sometimes," The blonde comments, somewhat glad that they had had this conversation. It took his mind off of things for a bit, and while the older boy hadn't really helped with the situation concerning Zayn, Niall didn’t think that anyone would be able to. At least Louis brought his mind off of things for a little bit, which generally didn't work for the blonde but seemed to work well enough at that moment.

"God, I'd get back to your Zayn issue but Harry has been waiting alone for so long now…" Louis trails off, giving Niall a little, guilty smile.

"Go get yer' man, Louis. I'll be fine," Niall says with a small smile of his own, shooing the older boy away with a little wave of his hand. Louis throws a grateful smile over his shoulder before he's up and out, closing the door behind him.  

The blonde lets a soft sigh pass his lips, before reaching over and plugging in his phone to charge once again. There's not a lot for him to do without any classes, so he gets up and makes his way to the bathroom for a bath. It's the only way he can think of to relax, really.

Niall's eyes slip closed as he sinks further into the hot water, letting his eyes close slowly. He wills all thoughts out of his mind and focuses on the pepperminty smell of the bath bomb that he had thrown in instead, willing himself to relax and just _let go._


	8. turn out the fucking lights, i wanna see you bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the lovely comments on the last chapter !! really motivated me to write more, so thank u lovelies :-)  
> this chapter was fun to write because drama hm :,,)

Niall has to take his earphones out when he notices the continuous knocking at his door, each pound getting louder the longer he doesn't reply. He doesn't understand why Liam and Louis are so concerned for his wellbeing, _really._ Sure, he may or may not have been holed up in his room for five days on end (when he wasn't attending his lectures, of course) but it really wasn't anything serious. Or at least that was what Niall told himself.

It wasn't even what he had done that was the worst part; mostly, it was the fact that he had let Zayn down and lost his trust. Whenever Niall was sad, it rarely ever came down to _someone else_ being the problem. Rather, it was usually him getting into his own head. It was just the way Niall operated, others were always put before himself. 

Letting out a deep breath, Niall set his laptop down on the bed, stood up, and stretched his arms out a little bit before making his way over to the door. He unlocked and opened it, biting down softly on his lower lip at the sight of Liam and Louis. One quick look at them made it clear that they were dressed up and ready to go out somewhere. Niall distantly wonders whether either of them are aware of how good they look together, a beautiful pair.

"Niall, me and Tommo are worried about you. It's not normal for a healthy, strapping young lad like yourself to be cooped up like this when you've got so many other places to be, love. We're hosting an intervention," Liam says all of this seriously, Louis bobbing his head in agreement right next to him.

Niall rolled his eyes, running a hand through his unruly hair (he couldn't remember the last time he had run a brush through it, to be honest) placing his hands on his hips. "Jesus Christ, wha's wrong with ye' two? I swear to God I'm okay, I don't need a fecking intervention," He said slowly, massaging his temples after letting go of his hips. Sometimes he really wondered what his friends got up to in their free time, and of course he was immensely grateful for them, but there really was nothing wrong with him.

"You've got two options here, Niall. We're off to a party at Connor's tonight, and you're either coming with us willingly or forcefully. Sorry mate, but we're telling it like it is," Louis says apologetically, shrugging his shoulders.

"Seriously bro, when is the last time you've left the house? Smells seriously rank in here," Liam insults, pushing the door open and making his way inside. He crinkles his nose, making a disgusted noise at the sight of Niall's little man cave on the bed. Niall makes a disgruntled noise himself when Louis pushes straight past him and makes his way to the closet. The blonde stays by the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest once more. He doesn’t bother saying anything to either of them, Liam seeming to be cleaning up his bed while Louis is busy rummaging through his closet.

"Guys," Niall says loudly, neither of the two bothering to look up at him. A minute or two goes by like this before Louis finally stops what he's doing and makes his way back over to Niall. He shoves a bundle of clothes in his hands and pushes him encouragingly towards the bathroom. "Go get dressed in there, and, Jesus Christ Niall, please put a brush or some gel or anything really, through that hair. Absolutely horrid, man," Louis murmurs, finally successfully pushing him into the bathroom and closing the door. "Hurry up, by the way, we gotta get outta here," Louis calls through the door, and when the blonde tries to open it and it doesn't budge, he groans because he knows that Louis is pressed up against the bathroom door.

Realizing that he doesn't really have much of a choice when it comes to the two of them, he lets out another melodramatic groan and inspects the clothes that Louis picked out for him.  A dark jacket, white tee and a pair of jeans that Louis liked to call his "fuck-me jeans" for whatever the reason. Louis claimed it was because they "clung to his hips perfectly" w _hich what_? And of course, Liam was in total agreement of the statement, but honestly, what didn't Liam agree with when it came to Louis?

Deciding that there was really no point in arguing, he undressed and put on the clothes that Louis gave him. Taking a look at himself in the mirror, he bit down on his lower lip and grabbed Liam's comb, running it through his messy hair a few times. Unsatisfied with the result, Niall grabbed a small bottle of hair gel and combed it through his hair with his fingers. He had been letting the brown grow out lately, liking the look better on himself rather than the bleach now that he was older. He was pleased with the results, Liam and Louis claiming that it made him actually look his age.

Niall flinched slightly as a loud knock on the door drew him out of his thoughts. "Niall, we're coming in now and if you're not ready; you _know_ that the two us aren't above dressing you," And the door was pushed open by Louis, who's face nearly split into a grin at the sight of Niall all dolled up.

"You look absolutely smashing Niall, thanks for not putting up much of a fight,"

It was with those words that they were out the door and in Louis' car instead, Niall in the backseat, listening to Louis' and Liam's banter in the front. To be completely honest, (he would never admit it to them), the blonde was glad that he was leaving the dorm, especially for a party. He wasn't above taking someone home or being taken home tonight, something, _anything_ that could get Zayn off his mind for at least one night. He knew it definitely wasn't the best way to deal with the situation but there wasn't any other way he saw fit.

When they got to Connor's (he lived off campus, in a house of his own; typical rich kid), Louis parked his car and the three of them got out, Louis moving forward while Niall fell into step with Liam.

"Mate, you were completely silent during that whole ride. You alright? Not planning to run out on us, are you?" The words sounded as if they were supposed to be playful, but Liam was being completely serious, looking concerned as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm fine, Liam, can we just not talk about it?" He murmured haughtily, not meaning to sound snappy but not wanting to particularly talk about it either.

"Fine, fine. Lou already told me I wouldn't be getting anything out of you anyways. Uh, can I tell you about something else kind of odd then?" Liam questioned as they reached the door of Connor's house, Louis turning around a little bit presumably to say something, but stopping short when he realized that they were talking. Niall watched as the older boy pushed down on the doorbell, the door to the house opening and Louis disappearing inside shortly after.

Liam and Niall followed the brunette inside, making their way to the kitchen to get a drink instead of following Louis wherever he was going. The house was _packed,_ Niall and Liam having to push though people in order to get to the kitchen. Once they were finally there, they both picked off a red solo cup from the table filled with rows of them.

The two of them made their way to an emptier corner, Niall leaning up against a table while Liam was stood right opposite him. "What were you saying back there, bro?" The blonde questioned now that they were at a more silent location where the bass of the music playing wasn't reverberating so deep in his chest and he could focus.

Liam shrugged slightly, taking his bottom lip in between his teeth. "Lou came up to me the other day, looking all concerned about the _weirdest_ thing, mate. I had no idea where it even came from," Niall nods, gesturing for Liam to continue as he took a small sip of his beer.

"He sat me down, and he started asking about all the guys I was going home with? He was telling me that he was like, worried about my safety or sommat? And I was sat there, kinda like what? Like, I didn't mean to be rude or anything, but I just thought that it was like, sorta odd that it was Louis who was coming to me about all of this, of all people. I mean, out of everyone, I would least expect Lou to come up to me with all of these concerns. Not trying to be rude or anything, but I just don't get it, y'know? I figured that Lou would understand, better than anyone, _why_ I've been going home with all of these people but he still doesn't see it," Liam let out a self-deprecating chuckle, shaking his head. "Still hasn't noticed a thing, Niall, how does he not just fucking see it?"

The blonde is about to respond, not wanting the older boy to break out into tears on a night where they were supposed to be having fun, but he's stopped by the sound of Louis' voice.

"There you guys are, was looking all over for you," Niall turns slightly, breath catching in his throat at the sight of Louis, Harry, and _Zayn._ God, of all the people that he didn't want to see tonight, Zayn was at the top of his goddamn list. The moment that their eyes met, all the memories from the other night came flooding back to him, Zayn screaming at him being the most memorable. Niall wondered if anything was coming back to Zayn, whether he was hurting just as much as the blonde was. Which he obviously was, probably just not for the same reasons. He doubted that last night was half as important to the older boy as it was to him.

And he looked absolutely breathtaking as well, in a knit purple sweater and black skinny jeans, a purple hair tie around his wrist. He's not clean shaven for once, his stubble grown out, lining his cheeks; his hair doesn't seem to have a lot of product in it either, looking floppy and making his appearance overall softer. Despite all the tattoos on the exposed skin, the defined jawline, the eyes that would make anyone melt, he just looked _warm_ to Niall, the blonde wanting to wrap his arms around him and never let go.

Thankfully there wasn't a lot to be said as Louis gestured for the three to follow them, him and Harry turning around and making their way back from where they came from. Liam nudged Niall slightly, before the three of them made their way over to where Louis and Harry went, presumably upstairs.

"Um, Zayn, do you know where we're going or?" Liam questioned after a moment of uncomfortable and rather heavy silence, the three following Louis and Harry upstairs.

"I, um, think there's like, beer pong going on upstairs or sommat. Louis said he couldn’t do it without you," Zayn said softly, shrugging a bit as they reached upstairs and followed the couple into one of the upstairs rooms. There's a long table set out in the room, six of the solo cups that they had been holding downstairs set out on either side of the table.

There's not a lot of people in the room, obviously the five of them and a small group of about four girls, all dressed rather scantily clad and all looking drunk off of their assess.

"Good thing we found you, these lovely ladies over here wanted to play a round of beer pong but couldn't do it without my number one partner," Louis said happily, mouth twisted up in a smirk that he generally only reserved for flirting and really, Niall didn't expect anything differently from Louis. Sure, he did seem a little bit tipsy; which didn't really make sense to him as they had just gotten there, so maybe it was just Louis. Harry didn't seem too bothered however, a dopey grin on his face as his boyfriend was openly flirting with a group of girls. Niall would never be able to watch someone he was dating flirting with anyone else, but maybe it was just because he was a tad bit over possessive.

Liam let out a little chuckle, tilting his head slightly to meet Niall's eye. The blonde shrugged a bit, gesturing for the older boy to go ahead if he wanted to. "Sounds good to me, Tommo. What are the teams then?" He questioned, making his way over to where Louis was standing on one side of the table.

"Are either of you girls up for playing?" Louis asked, directing the question to two of the girls stood close by, the other two of them having migrated to the other side of the room, where they were sat on a couch and on their phones.

"Nah, think we're a little bit too wasted for that, to be honest," The brunette giggled, twirling a strand of long hair around on her finger as she looked up to Louis, rather flirtatiously, in Niall's opinion. The blonde averted his gaze to the girl stood next to the brunette, eyebrows drawing into a little frown as he followed her gaze and it led to Zayn. He didn't particularly like the way that she was eyeing him, intent clear in her green eyes. The thing was, she was breathtakingly beautiful, both of them were really, as if they modelled on the side. And he wasn't stupid, Zayn had made it clear that he was strictly into boys but he just didn't like the way that she was looking at him.

"I wanted to, but I don't have anyone to be with," Harry said slowly, his plump lips falling down into a little pout and making him look a lot sadder than he needed to look.

"Niall can play then, he's absolute shit so it'll be an easy win," Louis suggested, sneering over at the blonde and causing him to roll his eyes.

The only thing that gave him any real motive to play was the fact that Harry was now pouting at _him_ , wanting to prove Louis wrong and Niall couldn't give two shits, but Harry's face was making him feel bad.

"It's always a good day when you get to watch hot guys play beer pong," The brunette said with a little smirk, her words slurring slightly but not enough to show that she was really wasted, unlike her friends on the couch, who looked pissed. "I'm Kendall, this is Gigi, and that's Hailey and Bella over there," She introduced, gesturing over to her friends on the couch who both lifted their hands in a little wave.

"Nice to meet you, girls," Louis said smilingly, saluting the group with two fingers. "I'm Louis, this is Liam, Harry, Niall and Zayn," He presented, gesturing to each of them as they were introduced. Louis glanced over to Niall, tipping his head slightly at the tall brunette (Kendall, he reminded himself) and winking rather unsubtly. The blonde resisted the urge to cringe, not up to taking anyone home tonight when Zayn was standing at arm's length. His plans of going home with someone were shot the moment he met the raven haired boy's eyes. He just shook his head, eyes flickering to Zayn and Louis rolled his eyes back once he understood what the blonde was trying to tell him.

"Think we should make this a little bit more interesting, don't you think?" Kendall questioned to their general group, her smile turning a little bit mischievous.

Niall's eyebrows raised slightly, tilting his head as he crossed his arms over his chest. "What do ye' mean by that?" He questioned as he looked over at Kendall, frown deepening when he noticed that Gigi was _still_ staring at Zayn.

"I mean that I think we should get a little show depending on who wins," She said sneakily, looking amused as she looked over them. When she noticed that they still looked rather confused, she continued. " _I_ personally think that whichever team wins should y'know, like, make out," Kendall shrugged as she and Gigi giggled, their friends on the couch letting out noises of approval and clapping along.

Niall looked over at Harry who had a huge grin on his face, looking pleased with Kendall's words. He raised his eyebrows at the blonde who shrugged slightly in response, not too opposed to the idea of snogging Harry — It wouldn't even be a proper snog anyways, considering that they were doing it for these girls. It wasn't as if Louis cared much either, especially not if they were making Kendall and her friends group happy. It was at that moment that he looked to the other end of the table and his breath caught in his throat.

 _Louis and fucking Liam._ Louis' got an arm wrapped around Liam's shoulder, grinning up at him while Liam just looked uncomfortable, face showing obvious discomfort although Louis probably hasn't noticed. Jesus fuck, that was the thing with them though. Sometimes when the three of them were out, people would mistake Liam and Louis for a couple and Louis would just let it happen, grin and press a kiss against Liam's cheek as he cooed about how cute he was. It were the little things like that that would sometimes throw Liam off center, and Niall just _knew_ that Liam wondered whether there was even an inkling of a chance of Louis liking him back but Niall also knew that Louis just didn't see Liam the same way that Liam saw him. But he didn't want to be the one telling Liam the truth, didn't like the way that his face just crumpled whenever Louis would show an ounce of interest in anyone else. They hadn't gone any farther than kisses on the cheek however, and it was absolutely fucked that their first kiss would be shared because some random girl that they had just met wanted them to snog.

Liam's eyes meet Niall's and he bites down gently on his bottom lip, eyes widening. It's hard to communicate in full sight of everyone else, unfortunately enough.

"You don't mind that, do you, Li?" Louis questions with a little chuckle, taking Liam's little awkward chuckle as a yes. "Y'know what I think though? _I_ think, that if we end up tying, you two should snog," He says playfully, winking at the two as the girls on the couch let out whistles.

"Didn't think you could tie in beer pong? And would rather be "snogging" him, to be honest," Gigi says, tipping her head in Zayn's direction. Her words raise a lighthearted chuckle throughout the room, from everyone except Niall. Even the way that she talked was sensuous as fuck, and although he obviously didn't think that Zayn would be turning anytime soon for some random girl, the raven haired boy was smiling shyly back at her and it made Niall's stomach turn unpleasantly.

"Guess we're getting on with this then, yeah?" Louis questioned, still smirking over at Kendall and Gigi. Niall can still see the glaze of panic in Liam's eyes, and that was the thing. Liam cared so much about Louis' opinion of him that he probably wouldn't even throw the match if that meant he didn't have to snog Louis because he didn't want the older boy to be disappointed in him. That was the way Liam's mind worked, even if it didn't make sense to most people; probably because they weren't in love and didn't have a grasp on the concept of sacrifice — or at least, that was how Liam put it to Niall when he was trying to explain.

"Wait, technically shouldn't it be the losers who have ta' snog?" Niall questioned with his eyes on Liam and then Kendall, already knowing that the older boy wouldn't be able to stand up for himself without the blonde stepping in.

"God, you really are desperate to snog Harry, aren't you?" Louis questioned bemusedly, shaking his head; this earned a chuckle from Harry and the girls, Zayn not having said a word since they arrived, and Liam, _well._

It was quickly decided that it would only make sense to go against the norm, for whatever reason and all Niall could do was send an apologetic glance over to Liam, who smiled thankfully in response. Even if Niall hadn't gotten them to change the outcome, he knew that the brunette was still thankful that he tried.

 The game went on fairly quickly from then, Niall trying his best so that Liam wouldn't have to do anything that he didn't want to. But Harry was absolute shit at beer pong, just giggling the whole way through and getting progressively gigglier the more beer he drank, despite the drink being weak as fuck.

Louis wasn't kidding when he said that he needed Liam, the two of them working together as well as they usually did, doing even better with the encouragement of the girls who were all actively interested in the game.

It didn’t take too long before five of the cups on Niall and Harry's side were gone, a lone cup remaining with Louis and Liam both having only drunk one cup each. It was Liam's turn now, who was biting down nervously on his bottom lip as his eyes flickered up to Niall. The blonde minutely shook his head, urging Liam not to get the ball in if he didn't want to kiss Louis, but it was painfully obvious to both of them that Liam and Louis would be winning either way. Liam shook his head a little back before his eyes were focused on the cup, throwing the ball and it landing perfectly in the cup.

The girls all cheered, Harry letting out an exaggerated wailing noise at the fact that they had lost. Niall's eyes automatically went to Liam, who almost looked as if he couldn't believe what he had just done. God, it wouldn't have even been a big deal if it wasn't going to be their first kiss. It was such a shitty position to be put in, and Niall really felt for the brunette.

"Guess that means that we're gonna watch you guys make out then, yeah?" Kendall said once the cheers had died down, a small smirk playing on her painted lips.

"Don't think we've ever snogged before, have we, Li?" Louis directed the question to Liam with a little smile, tilting his head in consideration.

"You're saying that like it would be normal for you to have kissed before…?" Gigi says after a moment, phrasing the sentence like a question.

"Well, it wouldn't be that odd considering I'm bi and let's just say, I'm not exactly a prude either," Louis murmured vaguely, shrugging his shoulders while his smirk didn't falter. "But it would've made a lot more sense if Harry was on my team, to be fair,"

"Yeah? Why's that?" Kendall asked curiously, eyebrows knitting together into a soft frown.

"I'm dating him, might not've been the most obvious but," Louis explained with one of his little cute smiles and a shrug, brushing a hand through his kept hair.

Niall looked over as Kendall hummed in acknowledgement, his stomach twisting when he sees that Zayn has migrated from where he was standing earlier to right next to Gigi, the two deep in conversation about Lord knows what. Again, Niall didn't think that Zayn had any real interest in Gigi due to the fact that she was, _well,_ a girl but he doubted that the older boy would have told Gigi about his sexuality so soon and Zayn was naïve enough to not be aware when someone was interested in him and even more unaware of the fact that he was probably flirting back.

Kendall and Gigi both hummed in acknowledgement, one of the girls on the couch (Hailey, he recalled) piping up with a rather loud, "Are you guys gonna kiss now?"

Louis, who had been talking to Kendall turned his head in interest at Hailey's words. "God, you girls really want to see this, don't you?" He questioned with a hint of glee in his voice, shaking his head before he averted his gaze to Liam, who looked less red but still looked rather distraught.

"Payno, let's give the girls a good show, yeah?" Louis said with his lips tilted up into a small smile, Liam looking back at Louis with a small forced smile and a nod.

The thing was, all they had to do was share a small peck and be done with it; if the girls really wanted to see two of them snogging, then it was simple for them to ask Louis and Harry for it.

It was awkward at first, from Liam's part, while Louis looked as at home as always, his arms going around Liam's neck while Liam's hands tentatively rested on the older's waist. Niall held his breath when their lips met slowly, the girls all wolf whistling and giggling amongst each other. He would've imagined that it would be a bit awkward for Harry, but after what he had experienced so far, Niall didn't think that Harry would've cared at all. However, when he looked over at the younger boy, he was smiling at first, as expected, but Niall grew confused when the smile on Harry's face slowly dropped and was replaced with a blank expression instead. Niall only understood the change in expression when his eyes flickered back over to Liam and Louis, who had gone from just lightly kissing to full out _snogging,_ the passion in both of them unrestricted. It was as if all the pent up tension that had been inside Liam for so many years was coming out into this one kiss, and Louis was _kissing back._ He was snogging Liam back with the same amount of passion, his arms clinging tightly to Liam's neck while Liam's hands stayed firmly around the other's waist.

The girls, still unaware about everything, were continuing to cheer and whistle while all of them watched on, Niall almost unable to take his eyes off of what was happening right in front of him. However, when he was finally able to avert his gaze back to Harry, he was surprised to see that he was gone; he would've walked out too, to be completely honest.

But clearly Louis hadn't noticed, a little bit too wrapped up in Liam and if Niall hadn't known any better, he would've seriously thought that Louis liked Liam back just as much as Liam liked him.  

It was about two minutes later when they had finally pulled away, presumably for air because Niall was sure that they'd still be kissing otherwise. Kendall squealed, although neither Liam or Louis payed her any mind, both breathing heavily and just staring at each other as if they were both completely new to each other.

"That was like, intense. Are you sure it's you two that aren't dating?" Gigi asked after a moment, tugging her lower lip in between her teeth, with her eyes widened slightly. When Niall averted his gaze to her, he wasn't surprised to see that Zayn looked _pissed,_ understandably so because Harry was his best friend but he just didn't understand Liam's stance on the whole situation.  Even Niall wasn't sure if he understood the true extent of how much Liam cared for Louis, but he could almost always feel the pain radiating off of the older boy when it came to the feathery brunette.

"Uh, no, we're not," Louis murmured after a moment, blinking as if he had just come out of a dream or something. Niall watched as the brunette's eyes flickered around the room, before he noticed the look of realization that washed over his face. "W-where's Harry?" Louis was stammering, his words sounding odd as compared to his regular quick, witty way of talking.

"You were a little bit too busy snogging Liam to notice that your fucking _boyfriend_ left," Zayn muttered harshly, crossing his arms over his shoulder as he shot Louis the coldest look Niall's seen in a while, almost as cold as the one he gave the blonde that morning.

Louis let out a little spluttering noise, his eyes going to Liam for a second before he shook his head slightly and jogged out, obviously going to find Harry. Niall bit down harshly on his lip, because he had _seen_ the little flicker of hope that had clouded Liam's features before Louis had run off. Almost like Liam thought that maybe Louis would choose him over Harry. And of course it wasn't like Liam wanted their relationship to end nor was he purposely trying to sabotage it, but Niall understood where the older boy was coming from.

The room was completely silent, the tension thick and heavy while even the girls remained quiet, all knowing that they had just witnessed something not meant to be seen by their eyes. It was a moment later that Liam let out a little noise and made his way towards the door, Niall frowning and moving forward to stop him.

"Liam," He started, stopping short when he saw the tears threatening to spill over the brunette's eyes. It was the pleading look that Liam gave him that made Niall move out of the way, letting Liam leave the room before he started full out sobbing in front of everyone.

The blonde distantly wondered why Zayn hadn't followed after Harry, figuring that he had told him not to before he left.

As Niall looked up and met the raven haired boy's eyes, the anger radiating through his gaze and just the way Zayn was looking at him made him feel pathetic. He would be understandably pissed as well if he had watched his best friend get fucked over like that, but just like everyone else, Zayn didn't see the love in Liam's eyes, the affection and care with which Liam handled Louis with.

"It's hard to control yerself sometimes, yeah? Especially when you're as in love with Louis the way Liam is," Niall murmurs, trying his very best not to start crying himself as him and Zayn stared at each other, both defiant for their own reasons.

"Love's just not tha' easy, no matter how much anyone wishes it was. No matter how much _I_ wish it was," The blonde shrugged before making his way out of the room himself, just unable to face the older boy anymore, not with the way that he was looking at Niall.

The blonde wondered whether the five of them would ever have the same relationship again after the fact that all of them had played a part in fucking things up. Especially Niall, but there wasn't anything he or any of them could do about it now and he just hated watching everything go up in flames when he was just stuck in the middle of things. All he really wanted was to just see Zayn's beautiful smile directed at him again. 


	9. i'm tryna fucking scream but the words won't come out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! i've regrettably got to admit that i've got exams from now so updates will definitely slow :-( :-( i apologize!!  
> ps in case anyone is confused, this chapter is in liam's perspective :-) i wanted to include a bit more of the side ships so i hope it's not too bad!! x

Liam pushed through the door of the house rather forcefully, the first tear leaving his eye the moment he was out in the cool air. He wiped it away harshly, willing himself not to burst into tears about such a ridiculous matter. In all honestly, he wasn't even sure what he was crying about. Whether it was due to the fact that their first kiss was shared because of a beer pong match, the way Louis looked at him after said kiss happened or the fact that Louis had run out on him without a second thought of him or even a look in his direction. It was all of these things combined that had Liam forcing back a little sob, angrily scuffing at the ground with his boots as he made his way down the pathway leading up to the house that the party was held at.  

He just really didn't know what to do, bringing his pointer and middle finger to his lips because he could still feel them tingling. Even he couldn't deny the passion and intensity that went into the snog, but he was truthfully unable to help himself the moment that the older boy's lips were on his. It was about four and a half years of infatuation coming out into that one snog, and Liam just _wished_ that he had held himself back so that it didn't last as long as it did but it was difficult on his part. What he personally didn't understand was the fact that Louis actually snogged him back. It wasn't as if that snog was just Liam, Louis' tongue was in his mouth for just as long as Liam's was in his.

He could still feel the heat of the snog, the love that went into it (from his part, at least) and he wondered about whether or not Louis felt the same way about the snog or not. Whether he too felt the intensity. Whatever the matter was, the snog wasn't worth breaking up a relationship for. In the end, Louis would never go for him, it would always be Harry who he chose. 

Liam turned left onto the street, walking in the middle of it and honestly not giving a damn if he was going to be hit by a car or a truck or whatever the Lord had in store for him. It was about two minutes of walking later when he heard two voices talking quite loudly. Since Connor lived in a rather affluent neighborhood and they had come in Louis' car, Liam wasn't sure which way he was going, just wanted to walk to clear his head.  Where he was, the road of the neighborhood bent and Liam could see what was happening past the bend without anyone seeing him as long as he was hidden by one of the houses on the path. As Liam approached, the voices became clearer to him and he flinched as he recognized the one that was currently yelling.

It was very obviously Harry's low drawl and the brunette was about to turn around and just walk in the other direction but he couldn't bear to when he heard Louis' name leave Harry's lips. Taking a deep breath as he wiped away any lone tears, he stepped a bit closer, not too close that he could see them because he didn't want to take any risks, just close enough that he could hear them well.

"What the fuck, Harry? Can you fucking talk to me? We're not gonna get through this shit if you don’t talk to me," Louis sounds absolutely broken, pissed and sad at the same time and Liam's glad he's not watching because he didn't think that he would be able to cope with seeing the look on his face.

"What do you want me to say to you, Lou? There's nothing left for you to say," Although Harry's voice isn't nearly as loud as Louis', he sounds ten times more pissed and Liam distantly wondered if he was even crying a little bit. He didn't know what he felt worse about, the Louis situation or making Harry feel this way. He felt like absolute shit, yet somehow he still couldn’t walk away from the fight.

"Harry, it was only Liam! My best fucking friend, who means _nothing_ to me in a romantic sense! We have absolutely no fucking connection whatsoever, it was a fucking dare," A tiny whimper escapes Liam's lips at the harsh words, his eyes yet again filling with tears. Although he was aware that Louis didn’t see him quite the way that Liam saw him, he really didn't know that Louis thought so lowly of him.

Liam's eyebrows draw into a little frown as he hears the curly brunette laugh, not understanding which part of this whole situation was funny in any way. The laugh did sound rather cutting though, in a manner in which Liam hadn't ever heard Harry laugh before.

"God, you're really fucking dense, Louis, aren't you?" Liam leans forward a little bit to catch a glance of Harry shaking his head with a horribly sarcastic smile on his face. He didn't really know what Harry was leading up to but he listened with interest, glad that Louis' back was to him from what he saw.

"Harry, I don't, I just don't understand what you mean. I don't get why you think I'm so "fucking dense" when I've not done a single thing wrong. You were so okay when Kendall brought up the snogging thing, you didn't have a single word against it! I wouldn't have fucking cared if you snogged Niall, so I don't understand why you're in such a fucking twist about me snogging Liam. And Liam, of all people, I would get why you'd be mad if I started snogging one of those girls but goddamn Liam, who you _know_ means _nothing_ to me in that sense, Harry, you know it!" Liam bites back more tears, wishing he could just disappear into a hole underneath the ground. Again, Liam really had no idea that the brunette thought of him like that and although he understood that Louis didn't quite like him back, he just thought sometimes that there was maybe something there.

Niall had tried to tell him before, to be fair, that Louis just didn’t see him that way back but Liam found it a little bit difficult to listen with the way that Louis teased him sometimes. Sure, he was naturally flirty with _everyone_ but Liam couldn't help but see himself as special. Now he realized what a real bellend he had been, should've listened to Niall right from the very beginning.

"If you saw me snog Niall the way that you snogged Liam, are you _seriously_ telling me that you wouldn't even be a little bit pissed? Not at all? Then you must be taking the fucking piss Louis, I don't," Harry cuts himself off with another little sarcastic laugh, Liam having to wipe away a tear at the sound of the younger's voice. Despite his slow drawl, Harry's talking the fastest that Liam's ever heard, spitting the words out like it's difficult for him.

Liam had to admit that he agreed with Harry, but honestly, he too didn't understand why he was so _angry_ about the whole situation. Harry seemed perfectly fine when the snog was brought up, and he really didn't seem like the kind of person who would get angry about his significant other snogging someone as long as it wasn't behind his back. That was why he fit so well with Louis, because Louis was just like that, uncaring about whether his partner was flirting with someone else right in front of his eyes because he frequently did it too. It was just the way that Louis worked and while Liam didn't really agree with it, there was nothing he could do to change the older boy. And Liam loved Louis regardless of anything, but their difference in styles of dating was yet another reason that Niall had listed for them not being able to work well together in a relationship.

"No, I wouldn't be pissed, Haz, and you _know_ it. You know why? Because I know that Niall is our fucking friend and you wouldn't do anything with him! If that's why you're mad, I don't understand it at all,"

The one way that he knows that Louis really cares for Harry is because of the fact that he's actually fighting for him; if it was any regular fling, Louis wouldn't have even followed them out of the house, just given up on it. But that's clearly not what he's doing, and Liam feels even more shit because he was the one that even caused the fight in the first place.

"That's not why I'm mad, Louis, are you actual serious? Do you genuinely not understand why I'm so pissed with you?" Liam wiped away his tears, brows drawing together in more confusion because even he didn't understand what Harry was so pissed about and he was curious to know, to be completely honest. The guilt of listening to this fight happen had long ago left him.

"How am I gonna know without you telling me, Harry? You're the one sounding a little dense here, mate," Louis sounds just plain angry now, as if the sadness was gone and replaced with pure heat instead.

"That one snog was more passionate than any single kiss we've ever fucking shared, Louis," Harry mumbles, forcing Liam to move forward a little bit so he could hear the older boy better. He hesitantly tilted his head, still unsure of what exactly Harry was leading up to.

"Harry, I've known Li since high school, about four more years than I've known you. Of course there was some passion in that snog, we've worked well together for that whole time, but just as friends! I imagine there'd be the same, what, chemistry in a kiss as well but I'm sorry that neither of us could help it. Whether our snog had more passion or whatever though, that doesn't change the fact that _you're_ the one that I want to be with right now, not him or anyone else, just you."

Liam knew that Louis' explanation was absolute bullshit because he knew that if he snogged Niall, the outcome of the kiss wouldn't be nearly as close as to their kiss but he obviously couldn't intervene, just distantly wondered if Harry knew that too.

"Louis," Harry murmurs, sounding distraught beyond belief. "You, you just don't see it, do you?" It was with those words that Liam froze, understanding that tone too well. Harry _knew,_ he fucking knew about Liam's feelings for Louis. It was obvious with how delicate his words were, because he knew that he was stepping on eggshells here, even if he was only talking to Louis.

"Don’t see what, Harry? Talk t'me, please," Liam wanted to run away so that he couldn't hear the remainder of this conversation, but his feet were frozen to the ground, desperately praying and wishing that he was wrong or that if Harry really knew, he wouldn’t reveal Liam's secret.

"You don't see the way that Liam looks at you, Louis," Harry murmurs, Liam feeling as if he's just been slapped across the face. He can't help the involuntary sob that escapes his parted lips, his tears flowing freely now, unable to even try and stop them. "You didn't even see the way that Liam looked at you before you started snogging, did you?"

Louis seems to be scrambling for words, spluttering out loud like he really did have no idea what Harry was talking about. While Liam thought he was being rather obvious sometimes, Louis seemed as if he really was completely oblivious to everything. Of course he was, because Louis never noticed a single fucking thing going on around him.

"Harry," He says, voice barely above a whisper. "I don't… don't know what to say," Liam bites down on his knuckles at the sound of the older's words, his heart beating wildly in his chest. All his cards were out there on the table now, even if he wasn't the one that had told Louis. He felt like he was drowning, almost unable to breathe.

Harry laughs once more, Liam only being able to imagine the look on the brunette's face. "You know what the saddest part is, Louis?" Liam holds his breath, eyebrows knitting into yet another confused frown because now he really did have no idea what Harry was going to say.

"You don't even _know_ about the way that you look back at him," Liam's heart feels like it sinks down to his stomach, unable to stop the loud sob from slipping from his lips. Louis lets out a similar noise, causing his heart to speed up even more. Thankfully Harry and Louis don't spare a glance in his direction but Liam can't listen to anymore, immediately turning around and making his way back from where he came from.

Now he genuinely felt like he couldn't breathe, sobs mindlessly slipping out of his lips and tears making the pathway in front of him blurry. Harry's words resonated through his mind as he walked forward aimlessly, telling himself not to break down into a million pieces. _You don't even know about the way that you look back at him._


	10. guess i always push my luck when i'm with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! hope whoever's reading this enjoys the chapter :-)  
> if you can't tell yet, i'm evil and love putting my characters into uncomfortable positions hahaH :')
> 
> and ps in case it isn't obvio this chap starts in niall's pov and then progresses to liam's!! really hope whoever's reading finds the side ships interesting too tho i :-(

Niall ran a hand through his hair as he stared at himself in the mirror, anxiously biting down on his bottom lip. After the mess that was last night, Niall realized that there were definitely still some feelings for Zayn left there and that there wasn't any way that he'd be able to just push them away when they were so obviously there. As he ran his fingers through his unkempt hair, he distantly wondered what had happened last night after he left. Honestly, he wasn't sure what he would do if he was in the older boy's position, it'd be far too awkward for him. He hadn't had a chance to speak to Liam last night after he had come home — he was watching the telly on the couch when Liam had come in at about two.

Liam had just held up a hand, signaling for Niall not to talk about it before the blonde simply opened his arms up, where Liam fell into them immediately and cuddled up to Niall without a single word. The silence hadn't been broken once by either of them, both of their eyes on the movie even though neither of them were listening.

When Niall found himself unable to keep his eyes open any longer, he noticed that Liam was asleep and so, being the amazing friend that he was, he carried Liam back to bed and tucked him in so he was as snug as possible. Liam had slowly blinked his eyes open and gently asked "Is Louis back yet?", sounding vulnerable and _sad_ all at once, almost making Niall want to cry. The blonde had just kissed his forehead softly before urging him to go back to sleep, leaving the room and closing the door behind him softly.

Massaging his temples gently as he recalled what happened last night, Niall pulled up the messages on his phone to check whether or not Louis had replied to his texts after what Liam had asked. He hadn't, probably avoiding him, something that the brunette was an expert at.

Taking one last look in the mirror and deciding that he was as ready as he would ever be to talk to Zayn, he opened his bedroom door and made his way out to the living room. He wasn't sure whether it'd be rude of him to show up unannounced like this but he figured that some dramatic gesture would be the only way to get Zayn to be his.

As Niall walked into the living room, his eyebrows raised at the sight of Liam sat on the couch, dressed as if he was going out. Taking a quick glance down at his phone and seeing that it was 10:30, his eyebrows raised even more. "Li? What are you doing up and where are you going?" He questioned confusedly, having expected the older boy to be moping in his room at this point.

"Could be asking you the same thing, mate," Liam replied with a jerky shrug of his shoulders, his lower lip in between his teeth. Although neither of them were acknowledging it, there was a huge elephant in the room and the tension was weighing down on both of their shoulders.

"Uh, I was thinkin' of going to Z's dorm to like, talk things out with him," Niall realized distantly that Liam hadn’t been hearing a lot from the blonde due to how generally bad things with Louis had been for him lately.

"What things?" Liam prompted as if he actually cared, even though it was obvious that he was just trying to push the tension off of himself.

"Yer' asking me that as if Louis hasn't already told ye' everything," The joke's meant to be lighthearted but Niall regrets it as soon as the words leave his lips, grimacing while Liam lets out a little whimper of a noise.

"Where were ye' planning to go to, Liam?" Niall questions sharply, voice louder than it needed to be so that Liam wouldn't do something horrible like start crying because the blonde just _couldn't._ Especially when he knew that Louis hadn't come home yet and Liam would be worried sick if he found out; that is, if he didn't already know.

"Um, same place you are, if you can believe that. I, uh, wanted to go talk to Harry about y'know, last night," He murmured awkwardly, Niall's eyebrows slightly raised the whole time.

"Only you, Liam," The blonde said fondly, shaking his head slightly with the smallest smile gracing his lips. Liam truly was the most considerate person on the planet, a trait that he had always admired from the older boy but never actually tried to implement in himself. He found it difficult to be so forgiving about certain things, while Liam always managed to let everything roll off his shoulders so effortlessly.

"Anyone in my place would've done the same, Niall. I really messed things up last night," Liam sounded close to breaking, voice barely there and the blonde didn't want him discouraged from talking to Harry when he had already convinced himself.

"Guess ye' won’t be making the trip alone then, aye?" Niall said with another little smile on his lips, deciding not to question why Liam was just sat on the couch when he could've been gone by now. A little part of him knew that it was probably because he was waiting for Louis to come out of his room or whatever, which made the blonde question whether or not he was aware that Louis wasn't even home.

It was with that that the two made their way out of the dorm building and to Zayn and Harry's building instead, both distracted with different things on their mind.

 

When they were finally in front of Zayn and Harry's dorm, the pair looked at each other, Liam taking a deep breath before he lifted up his hand and rapped the door lightly with his fist.

It was a minute or two later that Harry opened up the door, looking tired and almost like he hadn’t slept well, in an oversized sweater and trousers, his hair a mess even with a bandana tugged over it. Harry wasn't quite the person that he was looking for, but when he turned his head slightly and Liam looked a little too sheepish to talk, Niall shook his head slightly and faced Harry, whose eyes were on the brunette rather than him.

"Uh, Haz? Do ya' think I could come in and talk to Z?" He asks softly, worrying slightly at the odd look that Harry gave him when his eyes finally shifted to his direction.

"Um, what?" Harry asks dazedly, blinking at Niall like he was crazy. This just worried the blonde even more, hoping that the younger boy was just sleepy because he had no explanation for why he was acting so confused. Niall just repeated himself, anxiously running his fingers through his hair as Liam stood there in silence, looking twice as worried but for a completely different reason.

"Oh, so he didn't tell you, huh?" Harry questioned softly, eyebrows knitting down into a soft frown as he took his lower lip in between his teeth. The blonde just shook his head, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

"He called me after I got home and said he went home with, uh, Gigi last night," Harry murmured, not quite looking Niall in the eye as he lifted his shoulders into a small shrug of his own.  

The blonde was confused for a second, tilting his head perplexedly. "Gi-?" He started, cutting himself short when he remembered the blonde girl from last night. The one who just couldn't keep her eyes off of Zayn — apparently she couldn’t keep her hands off of him either. He tried to recall a time that Zayn had ever mentioned being even the tiniest bit attracted to girls, although he couldn't remember the older boy talking about girls like that ever. Then again, to Niall's knowledge, the only real dating experience he had was with Daniel, and the few guys from the clubs he had gone to, if you could even count them, so maybe he was looking to experiment or something? Either way, it made the blonde's stomach turn unpleasantly, the thought of Zayn with someone else just making him generally uncomfortable.

"Why, um, why did ye' think that he'd tell me?" Niall asks, telling himself to get a grip and not do something stupid like start crying in front of them. 

"Uh, I assumed that you two were together but not exclusive yet? But don't think that's the case now, if I'm right?"

Niall just hummed in acknowledgement, thoughts of Gigi and Zayn swirling around in his mind and making him feel sicker than ever. The fact that he could picture them so perfectly together was what bothered him the most, especially after only "knowing" her for half an hour or so. He was sure that Zayn got to know her much better, however.

He startled out of his thoughts when Liam placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently. "Wait, so Z didn't tell ye' that we weren't together?" Niall asked distractedly, tilting his head slightly as he asked the question.

"No, I honestly just assumed. You know what a private person Zayn is, I'm sure he obviously would've told me, just that he would've told me later. Haven't really seen him this happy since," He coughs softly. "His last ex," Harry finishes gently, Niall not having the heart to tell him that he was already well acquainted with Daniel.

"Yeah, well we're not together," The blonde repeated a little bit defensively, lips drawn down into a soft frown. He turns slightly to Liam, running his fingers through his hair. "Li, I'm just gonna go home, yeah? Will ye' be alri' here?" He asks softly, again willing away tears as he forced himself to look somewhere past the older boy's shoulder. Niall didn't wait for acknowledgement from either of the two before he turned around and walked away, wanting to be a good friend and support Liam but knowing that he would just end up bursting out into tears if he stayed for a minute longer.

                                                                          — *✲ﾟ*｡✧ —

Liam watched as Niall walked away and down the path that they came from, biting down on his lip at the fact that he was now left alone with Harry. He averted his gaze back to the brunette, whose face wasn’t conveying anything, just completely blank.

"I'm guessing that you weren't here for the same thing that Niall was," Harry said conversationally, stuffing both his hands into the pockets of his trousers, head tilting as he looked at Liam almost as if he was examining him.

"No, I came here to talk to you actually," Liam replied, voice wavering a little bit. "Do you think it'd be, um, okay if I came inside?" The brunette asked softly, not really wanting to have this conversation out in the open like this. Harry nodded and stepped aside politely, letting Liam in. He hadn't actually been inside Harry and Zayn's dorm much, as the five of them tended to hang out in his flat rather than this one.

He tentatively sat down on the large couch set out in their living room area, absentmindedly tapping his foot on the ground as Harry sat opposite him, expression still as blank as it was when they were outside. He obviously didn't plan on telling the younger boy that he heard the whole argument after the party, because it really wasn’t his place to say that. Rather, Liam wanted to actually explain things to Harry — the last time he had done this was to Niall, because the brunette hadn't told anyone about Louis besides the blonde.

"Uh, well I think it's kind of obvious why I'm here. Firstly to apologize, because I was so out of line for what happened last night and I'm genuinely so sorry about that." Liam could tell that Harry was about to interject, but he simply held a hand up to stop Harry so he could finish.

"Secondly, I just wanted to explain myself. There are absolutely no excuses for what happened last night, none at all and it just makes me sick that I could even think of doing something like that when you were sat right there — even if you weren't there, obviously. You know, for some reason, no matter how obvious I think I'm being, no one sees it." Harry raised a quizzical eyebrow, obviously confused but Liam felt as if he had an inkling of an idea of what he was alluding to.

"I've been in love with Louis since I was fifteen years old. That's about four years now, which actually doesn't feel like a lot of time because I've noticed that time really flies when you're in love with someone like him. I was, God, I was drawn to him the moment that I laid eyes on him. His loudness and his recklessness, the way he composed himself, just everything. And I didn’t even know him. It actually started in year 11, when we were both in the same chemistry class together. I only knew him as the infamous Louis, super popular in our grade for all the people he'd been with — boys and girls included, if the rumors had any truth to them. I didn't quite like him at first, never payed any attention in class and he was always flicking paper balls at the back of my head; needless to say, I thought he was extremely immature but, there was just something about him that I found genuine and just, I don’t know, like, inviting? Maybe it was the fact that he was so out of reach, him being so loud and popular while I was so dorky. Sounds cliché, honestly, but what could you expect?" Liam lifted his shoulders in a shrug, an instinctive smile gracing his lips helplessly. Harry's face still wasn’t saying anything and he wasn't interrupting so Liam decided to continue, nothing else for him to do really.

"Then we were partnered together for a chem project, which involved us having to spend some time together and even involved going to each other's houses. You could only imagine my happiness, and it was obvious how lame he thought I was at first, but he was still spending time with me rather than with his friends or whoever he was with at the time, so a little part of me genuinely believed that he enjoyed the time we spent together. We got an A on the project and he was so happy that he invited me to a party at his house with him and his friends. And he convinced me that he was gonna get me laid that night because obviously that was the only thing he cared about," Liam resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the fact that Louis was still exactly the same person, but Liam still loved him regardless.

"So he set me talking to some girls, and found me a little later in the night, winked and nudged me and asked if I had gotten lucky. Louis was the second person that I had come out to, first being my mum, because I had no other way of explaining to him why I found them so unattractive. He looked so goddamn pleased, still remember his face to this day, and I had guessed by then that the rumors about him and the numerous boys were true. He left me with some of his friends again, explaining that he would eventually find a guy to hook up with me, just not that night, and by then, I had gotten a beer or two into me and never having drunk before, let's just say that I was feeling a little bit _too_ confident. I was ready to confess my feelings for him, but when I finally found him, he was a little bit too busy snogging the face off of some bird to notice me. I still remember how much I cried when I got home that night. That single moment was the very moment that I realized that Louis Tomlinson would never be mine, no matter how much I wished he was. And even though I'm still as in love with Louis as I was the first day that I saw him, never ever have I intentionally tried to break up a relationship he's been in and especially not one where he's happy. And God, it's obvious that he's so happy with you. I haven't seen him this committed in so long, and I obviously had to ruin it and I'm sorry. I'm sure you and Lou are gonna stay together after this because you're both so clearly into each other but it was just the weight of the whole situation. I can't imagine how you must've felt seeing that, because God do I know what it's like to see him with someone else." Liam was done, taking a deep breath in and bringing his hand up to wipe away a lone tear. He hadn't exactly planned on crying, but there the tears were.

"Liam," Harry murmured, the older boy surprised to see that he was tearing up as well. He realized that the blankness he saw earlier was maybe less of blankness and more of sadness.

"I might be the first person saying this to you, Liam, but I noticed. I saw the way that you looked at him, on that very first day, and I've been in love before — I know how I used to look at my partner and how they used to look at me, but I saw more love in your eyes than I've ever seen before. And I guess a little part of me was jealous at first, because Louis gave you so much attention without even meaning to, I think, sometimes. Even when he came over that one day, dunno if you know about this, he didn't want to go all the way. Said something about caring for me and wanting to take his time with me, and I wanted to believe it, I really did, but a part of me said that it was because of you, Liam. I'm a very perceptive person, and judging by what you've told me, maybe Louis hasn't wanted you right from the beginning but I'm almost positive that he likes you, Liam. I'm not just saying this to get your hopes up, but he was never fully there when we were together and honestly, maybe you're the reason he can't get into any serious relationships." Harry sounds very genuine as he's saying this, talking slower than usual and making Liam's eyes well up even more. He tries not to let any tears escape, smiling a little ruefully at the younger boy.

Although he wanted to believe Harry, he really genuinely did, he found it hard to do so. Obviously so, considering the fact that Liam had spent all four of the years he had loved Louis convincing himself that the older boy would just never see him that way. That was how things worked for him, and it made sense, considering the fact that the feathery brunette never once shared an ounce of interest in Liam as a romantic interest; only while teasing him, which was common for the older boy. 

Now that he thought about it now, he really didn't understand why Louis had never tried to go for him. He had even hooked up with Niall before, for Christ's sake, the fact that he had done nothing of the such with Liam only confirmed the fact that he didn't see him as anything other than a close friend — perhaps even a brother. That's why he was always so concerned about Liam's safety, why he always asked after him. The younger boy was only human and had obviously considered the mere possibility of Louis liking him back, but it just wasn't realistic and he really needed to accept that.

"I wanna believe you, Harry. But it's just a fact in my little universe that Louis' never gonna want me back the way I want him. And I'm okay with that, just being friends with him is enough for me and it always will be. I've been with other people before, I know I can be, and I know, or, I hope that I can get over him. But I just know that we're not meant to be together, it's not written in the stars for me and it's just something I've gotten used to." Liam hated the way how he was so sure of these words, but it's just because of how much thought he had given the subject.

Harry could probably tell that there was no point in pursuing the topic, judging by his face, and although he looked like he wanted to say more, he didn't. He just forced a smile and hummed softly.

"That's alright, Liam, but just for me, will you actually think about this? I know it doesn't seem that plausible to you right now, but please do so, yeah? For me?" Honestly, Liam found it rather odd that Harry was encouraging him to think about a relationship with Louis when he was still dating him and he knew that he wouldn't think about pursuing a real relationship with the older boy even for a second. But he nodded anyways, forcing a smile himself as he bobbed his head, feeling how fake it was but hoping that the younger boy wouldn't be able to notice.

"Guess I should be on my way, then. Probably should find Niall and make sure he's alright," He murmured. With that, the two of them stood up and Liam followed Harry to the door of the dorm room. Liam bit down on his lip as the younger boy opened up the door, the conversation that they had just had replaying in his mind.

He really was glad that he had told Harry about everything, wanting him and the younger boy to start their relationship on a clean slate and he felt like this was the only way to do it; because there was absolutely no way in hell that he'd be able to explain this to Louis. Liam genuinely wanted Louis and Harry to be happy together and he really did think that this conversation would help that. Despite not being able to tell Louis about his four year long crush, he still did want to talk to him and just make sure that everything was okay between them.

So as he walked out the door, he paused and turned around slightly, running a hand through his hair. "Uh, Harry? Do you think you could ask Louis to come home for a bit later because I think I wanna talk to him for a bit?"

Harry tilted his head slightly, eyebrows raised. "Sure, but don’t you think he would show up to his own dorm before mine?" He questioned slowly, like he was confused with the question.

This caused Liam's eyebrows to shoot up. Honestly, he had thought this whole time that Louis was sleeping in Harry or Zayn's bedroom or something; because he hadn't come home and this was the only other explanation. "So you mean he's not here then?" He asked, just to double check.

"Um, no… Liam, I think you should know something," Harry paused, taking in a deep breath as he crossed his arms over his chest. "You really were right about getting possessive over Louis, I'm sorry for being so needy with him, fuck. Last night, after he followed me out of that house, we had a little argument in the streets. I, uh, told Louis about you. Like, about how you felt for him. I didn't outright say it but like, he knows," Liam stayed blank throughout all of this, because he already knew that that happened. He had seen the whole thing.

"Well, I guess he was gonna have to find out some way," He mumbled shakily, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and scuffing the ground lightly. Liam was ready to turn and leave when Harry began to talk again.

"After I told him, he, uh, he broke up with me." This raised Liam's interest, who immediately looked up at the younger boy confusedly. "I'm sorry, what?"

"He broke up with me. Just outright told me that he thought we shouldn't be together, right after I pointed out the fact that he might, um, like you back. Liam, I think he broke up with me because of you — for you, actually. Talk to him when you find him, please. And I really am sorry for not telling you this earlier and just being outright jealous of you and just everything, honestly. Talk to him." And it was with that that Harry closed the door, leaving Liam stunned and breathless.

He hadn't stayed around long enough to hear that part of the argument and he never ever would've thought that Louis would be the one to break up with Harry. And for once, Liam knew that it was _because_ of him. Liam turned and walked down the path and out of the building, feeling as if someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water on him and he was drowning and was unable to get up. _Louis broke up with Harry because of him._ But Liam still didn't know what he had done to make Louis reach the breaking point and he was as confused as he was shocked.


	11. just like the ocean, you change what i see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone :-)  
> the thought of ending this story soon legitimately scares me a little bit, oh my gosh!!!  
> i was also wondering, in case i end up finish prewriting all the chapters till the end, would anyone like me to post up all the chapters at once or continue posting every week until the story is over?? just wondering, if anyone's got any opinions, please post a comment, thank you xoxo

Niall couldn't, he just _couldn't_ let himself fall down that deep hole again and stay locked up in his room every day. He knew that there was obviously life beyond Zayn, but the fact that he had gone home with Gigi really affected him more than he thought it would. Sure, he had planned on going home with someone that night at the party too but that idea had been shot the moment he laid eyes on Zayn. Apparently that same way of thinking didn't really apply for the older boy though.

Letting out a loud groan, Niall got up from where he was laying down on the bed and opened the door, making his way outside and finding Liam on the sofa. The telly's not even on, he's just sitting there and moping, just like the blonde had been. He hadn't asked the older boy what had happened with Harry, although it was quite clear that he didn't really wanna talk about it. Both of them had been unhappy since they got home in the morning; the house was full of sad energy and the one person that always brought their dorm spirit up was missing.

"Li? Do you maybe wanna come out with me tonight and get some drinks? It might help take our mind off of things," He proposed gently, not quite liking the way that he could tell Liam had been crying, eyes rimmed red. He looked a lot sadder than he generally ever got, which made the blonde wonder what exactly he and Harry had even talked about to make him so unhappy.

"Yeah, actually, that kinda sounds nice. A little bit too early for EGG though, don’t you think?" He questions, making Niall turn slightly to glance at the clock on the wall, frowning slightly at the fact that it was only eight. EGG was a pub that had a pretty nice dancefloor next to the pub area, the vibe in the place less like a rustic pub and more like an electric nightclub. Although they'd probably be too early to dance, the blonde didn't think that getting a few drinks in the meantime would be a problem.

"That's alright, we'll just take our time getting ready and then chill at the bar for a bit? We'll get into dancing once the club's open, 's probably better we're earlier than later anyways — it's generally pretty full whenever we're there," Niall said, lifting his shoulders into a gentle shrug. A smile graced the older's lips as he nodded, standing up and moving forward so he could wrap his arms around Niall's middle, the blonde returning the hung albeit a little confusedly.

"C'mon, what's this for, Li?" He asked gently as he squeezed Liam's back softly, his lips curving up into an instinctive smile.

Liam pulled away from the hug, his smile genuine as he looked at Niall with those eyes of his. "Nothing, just feel like I'm not always as appreciative for you as I should be," He murmured, wrapping his arms around him tightly once more as the blonde ruffled his hair fondly. "Go get ready, yeah?" Niall said, placing a little kiss on the brunette's cheek before they both pulled away from the hug and made their way to their respective rooms, ready to have one night where they hopefully wouldn't have to worry about anything.

Tomorrow would be Sunday and then it would be back to classes which would keep them all occupied. Tonight, however, was a night that he just wanted to spend with Liam where they could both have a good time and stop worrying so much about things. Keeping these thoughts in mind, he opened up his    closet doors to find an outfit that would suit the vibe of tonight, humming softly to himself as he did so.

                                                                          — *✲ﾟ*｡✧ —

It was about fifty minutes later that Niall and Liam found themselves next to the bar table, both with a pint in hand. Liam's was mostly for show, while the blonde was almost through with his. As the older boy had predicted, the dancefloor was rather empty, save a few people who were just bobbing along with the dance music currently playing.

"Don't really wanna go out right now when it's so empty," Niall admitted, shrugging his shoulders as he looked to the dancefloor somewhat doubtfully. Liam hummed in agreement, having to lean forward a little bit so that he would be heard over the loud music. "Same, definitely want it to fill up a little bit first."

Niall bobbed his head, eyes scanning over the pub to check out what the crowd was like tonight. The bar table was definitely a lot more crowded in comparison to the dance floor area, although it was slowly filling up. Niall and Liam chatted mindlessly about classes, professors, coursework and the like to pass some time, both of them steering clear from the topic of their other three friends. There was still some awkward tension hanging around the two of them, but Niall was glad that he had Liam to talk to.

"Hey, s'alright if we sit here?" Niall slightly turns from where he was facing the bar countertop, Liam doing the same as both their eyes landed on a pair of girls. They were both stunning; the one eying Liam (who had just spoken, he could only assume) was a petite brunette, and the one smiling sweetly at Niall was beautiful and bronzed, her wild curls standing out quite nicely against her skin.

Liam just nodded, turning slightly to eye Niall who simply shrugged a little bit in reply, not quite having planned what to do if someone had decided to approach them. A little smile graced his lips at the thought of Liam having to explain to this poor girl that he wasn't quite interested in her gender, deciding then that he would get him out of it if he had to.

Meanwhile, the girl with the darker complexion sat next to Niall, giving him another smile. He decided then that she looked better smiling, although she was already quite beautiful when she wasn't doing anything. If it was any other day, the blonde would've taken this girl home without a second thought and shown her a good time however that option clearly wasn’t on his list tonight. A little picture of Zayn and Gigi flashed momentarily in his mind and he bit down harshly on his lower lip.

"Can I buy ye' anything?" He questioned politely to the girl, holding out his hand for an introductory hand shake. "I'm Niall, by the way,"

"Just a cosmo, if that'd be alright, love," She replied, reaching forward to clasp his hand in her own. "And I'm Leigh Anne, nice to meet you," The girl said, holding onto his hand for a beat longer before letting go.

The two engaged in light conversation for a bit, the blonde finding out that she and her friend went to a university not twenty minutes away from their own, and she was majoring in clinical psychology. She was from Buckinghamshire however she was of Jamaican descent. She was into singing as well, explaining to him how she and her friends were thinking of trying out for X Factor soon as a girl band.

After she got her drink and there was a lull in the conversation, Niall took it upon himself to bring up something else.

"Uh, did ye' come here with anyone else besides yer' friend?" He questioned, eyebrows raising in interest as he sipped on his second pint of beer. He wasn't planning on getting blackout drunk or anything since he still did want to dance, however he knew that it'd be rude to just start dancing without inviting the two girls and all he really wanted to do was to be with Liam.

"Yeah, actually. Two other people," She turned slightly on her chair and Niall followed suit so that they were now facing the dancefloor which was finally full, the music having gotten louder; this forced Niall and Leigh Anne to have moved closer to each other, still needing to lean in in order to be heard by the other person.

Leigh Anne pointed out two girls on the dancefloor, the blonde humming a soft response in reply. "Ah, I see. Look like they're having a good time," He said amusedly, watching as the two danced as if no one was watching. Niall could definitely relate.

"Yeah, I was out there with them but Jade had to pull me over here because she found your friend so cute," She said playfully, a cute giggle escaping her lips. Niall let out a chuckle of his own, tilting his head slightly to look at Liam and Jade, deep in conversation although Niall wasn’t quite sure what they were talking about.

As Leigh Anne began talking about her major and what they were doing in their classes, which Niall found quite interesting, he found his eyes wandering over the dancefloor. The blonde's eyes zeroed in on a familiar figure, his blood instantly running cold.

 _Zayn. Fucking Zayn._ Of course, it was as if he had a radar for the older boy. He wasn't alone however, someone pressed up against his back; large and burly with hair a color not quite found in nature. An image flashed in his mind from when _he_ was in a similar position against Zayn, their bodies flush against each other. But that wasn't what was happening right now, Niall watching as the pair danced with each other. They were dancing up on each other but there was still thankfully a little bit of space between them —if he could even use the word thankful. His eyes were set on the two intently, feeling as if he was going to gnaw through his lower lip if he continued to watch them.

"Niall?" The blonde snapped out of his thoughts as his head jerked back over to Leigh Anne in what he assumed was a rather unnatural manner, legitimately having forgotten that she was even there. He   honestly felt like he couldn't see anyone but Zayn and the boy. "Yeah, sorry? Just got a little bit, um, distracted. What were ye' saying?" He apologized quickly, keeping his eyes on the girl as she continued to talk, willing himself not to turn back to where the boy and Zayn were together.

He stayed listening to Leigh Anne for a few minutes, adding some points into the conversation so it wasn’t obvious that he was completely distracted but he asked her to explain a topic under her major and looked to the crowd as she talked. The blonde's eyes fell on Zayn, his eyebrows drawing down as he watched the two dance, Zayn's barely there tank clearly not doing much to keep him away from the larger guy's hands, which were all over him.

His fingers tightened almost painfully on his glass as the two began to get closer, wanting to scream as he watched the raven haired boy grind obviously back against the other boy. He truly felt sick to his stomach now, wondering if Zayn had fallen back into old habits and praying desperately that he hadn't. Niall knew that it wasn’t his place but he was genuinely worried for the older's safety and truthfully, he just didn’t like the thought of him sleeping around with people. Especially not when he was with that blonde girl from that party just this morning, Christ.

The blonde averted his gaze back to Leigh Anne, humming a short response as he bobbed his head. They continued to speak about topics like that for a little bit, using the opportunity of Leigh Anne ordering another drink (his forgotten and still practically full) to scan the crowd, eyes widening when he realized that Zayn wasn't there anymore. It had only been about five minutes since the last time he saw him, and he had honestly been planning on getting on the floor with Liam so he could casually bump into the older boy but that didn't seem to be an option anymore.

However, there was something that wasn't sitting quite right with Niall and it might've only been the fact that Zayn went home with the other boy but his instinct told him that it was something else. Taking a quick look over at Liam, he and Jade had been joined by the other two girls that Leigh Anne had come with and he looked rather busy. Giving Leigh Anne an apologetic glance as she turned to him with a small smile, his eyebrows drew together slightly. "My roommate really needs me to get home ri' now, just sent me a crisis text, I'm so so sorry. It was really good talking to ye' about everything though, uh, d'ya think I could get yer' number so we could continue this conversation sometime or something?" He wasn't trying for it to be a line but the whole time they had been together probably sounded like Niall chatting her up, so he distantly hoped that she wasn’t expecting to be taken home or anything.

After he apologized once more and asked Leigh Anne to explain to Liam that he had a bit of an emergency, he jogged away, promising to call her soon. Making his way to the back exit (which also doubled as a shady back entrance) since it was quicker, he opened the doors and walked outside, stuffing his hands into his pockets because of how harsh the biting wind was against his bare skin.

Niall scuffed his foot on the ground as he took a few steps forward, pausing when he heard a shuffle of noise right around the corner. As he quietly took another step forward, he felt his blood run cold as he saw the boy from earlier — he had Zayn pressed up against the wall. The bigger boy seemed to be kissing on his neck but. But there was something wrong with the whole thing, his gut twisting as he noticed that Zayn's hands were not, in fact, gripping the other male's shirt; rather, it looked as if he was trying to push him away — His face fell the moment he realized that the sounds that Zayn were letting out weren't moans of pleasure, they were whimpers of discontent.

It was as if Niall just saw _red_ for a second, legs moving without his own permission to where Zayn and the other boy were standing. The next few seconds went by in a blur, but the next thing that Niall knew, him and the other boy were in a similar position to what the boy and Zayn were like when Niall first saw them. However, the blond had the boy pinned against the wall with a hand around his neck and a forearm bracketing his chest. Niall almost felt frantic with rage, the only thing stopping him from letting go of the boy was the image that was imprinted in his mind of Zayn trying to get away from him.

"Niall, you're-you're god, you're hurting him," The blonde stopped the second he heard the older's words, biting down harshly on his lip, feeling some sick sense of pleasure as the boy doubled over and started to cough harshly while gripping his throat.

"Fucking hell man, wouldn't have danced with you if I knew that your boyfriend was a fucking psychopath," It was with those grating words that the boy walked away, Niall figuring that the only reason he didn't fight back was probably because he didn't think it was worth it. Honestly the blonde was glad, knowing that the larger boy would probably be able to take him in a real fight.

The two stood there in silence, Niall breathing heavily in order to catch his breath. "Thank you. I wouldn't have known what to do if you weren't here, thank you," Zayn's almost fighting to get the words out because of the tears in his eyes, Niall instantly softening at the sight of the raven haired boy. However, he was still stewing in anger about the whole situation and he wasn't sure if he'd be able to accept the older's thank you yet.

"Did you come here with anyone, Zayn?" He questions softly, eyebrows drawing into a frown when Zayn shakes his head no.

"I, I told Haz I was going to the library to finish some coursework," The older boy admitted, eyes glued to the ground rather than looking at Niall. "He's been a little bit distracted with his own stuff anyways and I took advantage of it."

"I'm taking ye' home, Zayn. How did ye' get here?" The blonde said pointedly, deciding not to even comment on what the older boy had just told him because he was still immensely angry and he didn't really want to blow up on him.

"A cab," The older boy mumbled, wiping away a stray tear as he took his bottom lip in between his teeth. It was with that that the two found themselves in a cab a little bit later, Niall and Zayn both in the backseat. There was a palpable tension between the two in the car, the blonde only speaking when it was to give directions to the taxi driver.

"Um, we just passed my dorm building," The older murmured unsurely, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. Niall payed him no mind, eyes set on the surroundings passing by outside through the window. His fingers tightened almost instinctively on his thigh, letting out a soft breath.

"Yer' coming with me. I, I don't want ye' to be left alone again, don't want ye' running off," Niall said softly, letting another little sigh escape his lips as they pulled up to his dorm building, thanking the driver before getting out of the car, Zayn following behind him.

The pair made their way to the blonde's dorm room, still in silence, as Niall's inner thoughts were a running monologue of endless curses. Every single time he blinked, he saw the image of that burly boy forcing himself on Zayn and he genuinely regretted not having hurt him more. The only thing stopping him from going back to that place was _Zayn._

Niall unlocked the door, turning to face the older boy, their eyes meeting and his heart instantly speeding up. "Lou's probably not going to be home tonight anyways so you can take his room." He mumbled, running his fingers through his hair. The older boy nodded, thanking him softly before making his way over, already knowing the layout of the blonde's dorm.

The blonde took his shoes off, able to tell that Liam hadn't taken anyone home tonight, judging by the fact that the only shoes there belonged to him. He felt bad that Liam had gotten home before him, probably because he was just bored without the blonde; who had been a bit preoccupied, to say the least. Louis clearly hadn't come home yet either, which didn't worry him too much yet since it was only two nights and he knew that the older boy wouldn't do anything _too_ dumb; at least, without informing them first. He couldn't quite speak for Liam's feelings on the whole situation, though.

It was a few minutes later that Niall found himself brushing his teeth, staring at himself in the mirror and wondering what had even happened to him. All he felt was care and compassion for Zayn, but it was hard to focus on those feelings when there was still so much red hot heat stewing inside him and he felt like he was about to explode.

When he was done, he took off his shirt and put on just a pair of sweats. Niall closed the door behind him, getting onto his bed. He frowned in uncertainty the sight of Zayn standing at his doorway. "Um, do you think I could maybe stay with you?" He questions quietly, looking soft and unsure all at once. God, but he was so stunning, absolutely beautiful in every single way.

 _No,_ his mind was screaming at him, _that's a terrible idea_ but those words obviously weren't the ones that left his lips. "Of course," He said instead, eyes wandering down his still clothed figure. "Do ye' wanna change into something first?" Zayn just nodded, Niall gesturing to his closet. He watched as the older boy took off his clothes, which really wasn’t helping any, and put on a pair of Niall's shorts instead, which were slightly large for him.

Niall turned off the bedside light as the older boy got into bed next to him, the blonde distantly wondering why Zayn hadn’t just taken something from Louis' closet. Niall felt like reaching out and wrapping his arms around the other boy but didn’t dare do so, biting down on his bottom lip when Zayn's back pressed against him as he got in, having to fight to keep his hands to himself.

Fifteen or so minutes passed by like that, the blonde unable to sleep. "Niall?" Niall flinched a little bit when he heard his name, wishing that he was asleep so he wouldn't have to speak to Zayn. His plan for the beginning of this night was letting go of the older boy and it had somehow turned into being in bed with him instead.

Niall hummed softly in acknowledgement, thankful that the lights were off so he didn't have to look at Zayn as he was talking. "Thank you for being there tonight," He mumbled, Niall's heart swelling almost immediately.

"No problem. That boy had no fuckin' right touching ye' like that, absolute prick. But why weren't ye' pushing him off, Zayn? I can't even imagine what would've happened if I wasn't there," His voice broke slightly at his words, and he distantly wondered how obvious the care was in his words. He just hoped that Zayn wrote it off as worry.

"I said no, but he wasn't listening. Been through so much by now, I feel like there's no point in even fighting it anymore. Always attract the wrong attention so it's clearly my fault," It almost sounded as if Zayn was getting choked up, but Niall honestly couldn’t tell whether it was bitterness or sadness in his voice.

"Ye' can't say that. Ye' need to defend yerself because you could've gotten seriously hurt and, I, I don't know what I'd do if that happened. But ya' need to understand that it's not your fault, it was the asshole in that club. Would've actually hurt him if ye' hadn't said something, I swear," Niall said, voice getting thick with anger again. He just wished he could reassure Zayn and convince him that he was worth it, that his insecurities shouldn't even be insecurities, that nothing was his fault. He just wanted Zayn to see himself the way that he saw him. The older boy stayed silent after that, Niall wondering what he was thinking about.

"Heard from Haz that ye' went home with Gigi," Niall said slowly, once again thanking the Lord that he didn't have to be facing the older boy as he had this conversation. Even he could hear the jealousy in his voice despite having tried to play it casual.

"Oh," Zayn replied shortly. Niall held his breath, waiting for him to continue, but he didn't.

"Didn't know ye' were into girls like that… Not that it's any of my business though, jus' saying,"

"I'm not, Niall. Or at least, I don't know if I am, considering the only experience I've had is with boys. Gi was just really sweet and we shared a lot of common interests and when Lou and Haz ran off and I told her I had no means of getting home, she offered to let me come home with her. And I guess I had a little bit of an idea that this was her way of getting me to y'know, sleep with her, but when I tried to make a move — which I thought was the best thing to do at the time — she was sort of apprehensive about it and told me that it didn't really seem like I was interested in her like that. Which, I felt bad for because I thought I was being rude or something but she said that it just seemed like my mind was somewhere else, which was true, to be fair. Either way, we didn't do anything, I just slept on her couch and went home in the morning with her number in case I wanted to talk or something. That's all that happened," He said softly, not sounding defensive or anything, just sort of tired. Niall felt bad for even asking, knowing already that it was none of his business but he couldn't help the jealousy. And Zayn was already aware that the blonde liked him so there really was no point in beating around the bush.

Niall hummed softly in acknowledgement, unexplainably glad that they hadn't done anything together. A silence fell over the two of them although neither of the two closed their eyes, just lying there.

"I, I'm sorry for running out on you that morning, Niall," Zayn whispered, bringing the younger boy out of his thoughts as he bit down on his lip.

Niall was about to say something, but he was cut off as the raven haired boy began speaking again.

"It was really shitty of me, especially when you didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry. It wasn't even the drinking that made me do what I did if that's what you like, thought or something. I mean, I'm sure that the drinking was what made me forget and ultimately led to me freaking out, but what I'm trying to tell you is that, I still would've like, initiated things if I hadn't been drunk." Niall couldn't _breathe,_ unsure if his heart sank or rose at the older's words.

"You would've?" The blonde asked softly, having to hear it again if he was going to believe Zayn.

”Would've been hard not to when I fancy you, Niall," He mumbled, Niall wondering if this was all really happening. His heart was in his stomach now, unable to speak.

"Only reason I went home with Gi, only reason I danced with that guy at the club, I, I thought I could forget you but I can't. I know I'm not exactly perfect, I'm _tainted,_ I don't understand how functional relationships work, but I can't quite help my feelings for you and," He trailed off, words getting shakier the more he spoke.

"Wait, ye' knew that I liked ye' back, Z. Why didn't ye' jus' tell me?" The blonde questioned before saying anything else, needing to hear his answer before he even started on his thoughts.

"I didn't think I was good enough for you, Niall. I still don't, actually. I've just been through so much shit that I, I don't know if I'll ever be good enough for anyone; anyone except the people that I meet at clubs and bars and parties because they only last one night and they don’t know me and I don't know them. But I'm not sure how real relationships work because I've obviously never been in a proper one,"

Niall had to ask the older boy to turn around so that he was facing him before he said a word, needing to be looking at him despite the darkness. "Zayn. Ye' know how I feel about ye'. There's a reason that I like ye' so much and ye' also _know_ how I feel about ye' talking about yerself like that because none of it was your fault and the way that ye' see yourself is so inaccurate because you're perfect, Zayn. You just tend to attract a lot of shitty attention and life has dealt ye' a lot of shitty fucking cards, which ye' didn't deserve. But ye' can't change that, can only move forward and I _want_ ye' to move forward with me. I care about you, quite a bit, telling from tonight and how ready I was to hurt that boy, honestly. The point that I'm trying to make here is that I fancy you too. A lot." All he sees is the older boy smiling (his eyes having been adjusted to the dark by now) before there's a pair of lips on his.

Niall's hand instinctively wraps around Zayn's middle underneath the covers, kissing him back in an unrushed manner. This kiss was admittedly sweeter than any other they had previously shared, tongues barely brushing lips as the blonde's hand ran up and down his back softly. He can feel the older boy tangling their legs up under the covers and they stay like that for a while, intertwined by their lips and their legs.  Zayn's fingers were running through Niall's hair before he pulled away, lips rather swollen although he still looked pleased.

"Did I tell you how sexy I think your hair looks now?" Zayn questioned, tongue pressed to the back of his teeth with the force of his smile, Niall's personal favorite look on the raven haired boy.

"Really? Thinkin' of dying it completely back to brown, t'be honest," Niall replied with a smile equally as bright as Zayn, unable to keep it off of his face with the older boy lying next to him. He could now reach forward and wrap his arms around the smaller boy with ease, feeling all of the weight that had been building up in his chest for the past few weeks just dissipate and he felt _light,_ for the first time in a while _._ The blonde connected their lips again for another short but sweet kiss, before Zayn pulled away.

"Wait. I don't wanna mess this up again. Don't wanna make any more mistakes when it comes to you. I want to take you out on a proper date, uh, are you free next Saturday?" Zayn questioned sweetly, fingers still running through Niall's hair mindlessly. Niall liked it, a soft noise escaping his parted lips.

Niall pretended to think, looking confused for a moment; this led to a soft punch on the arm from the older boy, making them both giggle like they were teens again. "So, what are we now then, Z?"

"Absolutely nothing until after I take you out. You've got to remember that I have no experience with this so I don't think your hopes should be that high for the date," Zayn let out a little self-deprecating chuckle while Niall just resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Being with you is enough, Zayn," The blonde simply replied, which got him another sweet little kiss from Zayn, on his forehead. He watched in adoration as the older boy yawned tiredly, looking as if he was fighting to keep his eyes open.

"You'll stay this time, right?" Niall asked teasingly, neither of the two commenting on the uncertain undertone to the blonde's words. Zayn simply hummed in reply, turning back around so that he was little spoon, the younger draping his arm over the older's tiny waist.

"Night, Niall," Zayn mumbled, sounding as if he had pressed his face into a pillow or something.

"Goodnight, Z." He said in reply, fighting to keep the smile off of his lips as his eyes fluttered shut with his arm around Zayn. This time, Niall was sure that everything would be okay between the two when they woke up and he couldn't wait.


	12. am i wrong for wanting us to make it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo!!! hope anyone who's reading this is enjoying it :-)  
> second part of the chapter is in liam's perspective btw xo

It was like déjà vu when Niall blinked his eyes open, finding that Zayn had turned over sometime in the night although the blonde's arm was still draped around his waist. He could examine the older boy pretty closely from this position, eyes set on his beautiful features. He almost couldn't believe that Zayn was real, simply too beautiful to be true. He had such a pureness to him as well, despite the fact that he saw himself as tainted; Niall just saw him as a flawless person, inside and out, regardless of his past. None of it really was his fault anyways.

A few moments went by like that, the blonde's eyes just sweeping over Zayn's face as he tried to commit his beauty to memory. In all honesty, there was still a tiny part of Niall living in uncertainty about whether or not Zayn would still want to stay when he woke up. He didn’t understand how the raven haired boy felt as if he wasn’t good enough for Niall when he truly was. More than, actually.

The blonde startled out of his thoughts as Zayn's eyes opened, a tired smile gracing his full lips. "You been watching me, Horan? That's a little bit creepy, if you ask me," He commented teasingly, voice still a little bit rough due to the fact that he had just woken up. Niall just grinned in response, leaning in to press a soft kiss to the older's lips. He pulls away quite quickly, Zayn humming in content.

"I told you that we weren't anything until I took you out, Niall. I don't think you should be allowed to snog me whenever you please when we're not even together," Zayn said cheekily, Niall glad that he had finally seem to come back to the Zayn that he had grown to love.

" _Well,_ I think it's unfair that I'm not allowed to kiss ye' when yer' sat there looking like something right out of a magazine, Zayn. I'd propose that we don't have to be anything until ye' take me out as long as I'm allowed to snog ye' whenever I so please throughout the next week since it really is unfair if I'm not allowed ta' do that," He explained simply, shrugging his shoulders although Zayn couldn’t see the movement beneath the covers.

Zayn smiles, looking quite pleased as he placed one of his cold hands on the blonde's cheek; "You're an angel," He said shortly, no explanation to his words save a small, knowing glance.

This caused Niall to flush almost instantaneously, leaving the older boy amused while Niall just ducked his head a little. "Even cuter when you're so red," He mumbled, using the hand placed on his face to grab his chin fondly.

"Pretty sure yer' the cute one here, Z," Niall remarked, shying away from the older's grabby fingers; his skin felt like it'd be rather hot to the touch, and he wondered if he'd always get this flustered whenever he talked to Zayn because it really was quite embarrassing how easily he got all bothered when it came to the older boy.

"Me? Cute? Doesn't quite seem like something someone would say about me," Zayn commented, eyes flicking down to his heavily tattooed chest and arms.

"Yer' not even cute, just plain adorable really. Endearing even," Niall says sweetly. He was genuinely just glad that he could now kiss and touch Zayn whenever he pleased, not even having to think about it when he pressed a chaste kiss to Zayn's slightly stubbly cheek.

The two spent the morning like that, giggling under the sheets and tangled together as if they were making up for all the lost time not spent with each other. Niall felt as if he was genuinely happy for the first time in a while, thoughts only on Zayn and the little bubble they had made in Niall's bed.

                                                                          — *✲ﾟ*｡✧ —

Liam sat anxiously at the small table that he had been allotted at the cozy little café that he was at, fingers tapping against the wood mindlessly. He wasn't really sure if it was a good idea but he had asked Harry to meet him at the café because he wanted to talk to him a tad bit more. He just felt like if he got to talk to him and understand his stance on things, he could maybe feel a little less guilty for breaking the relationship up. He still didn't understand what exactly he had done to break it up, was it just the mere fact that he liked Louis? He knew it was quite a bit of information to take in but Liam had been hiding his feelings for _years_ now, he could do it for a few more.

"Hey," The brunette looked up as Harry came into sight, who flashed him a dimpled smile. He looked a lot better than yesterday, some of his charm having returned back, making him seem more at ease. Liam hadn't really been through any hardcore breakups but he couldn't imagine looking so recovered after only two days since the break.

"Hi, Harry," He replied politely, a gentle smile tugging at his lips. He was honestly glad that if it could be anyone he was doing this with, it was Harry. He got on with him really well and although he felt terrible about putting him in this sort of position, he was glad that the younger boy was so understanding.

The two chitchatted a bit before they both got their respective coffees, Liam resisting the urge to cringe at the amount of sugar packets Harry used. There was definitely more sugar in that cup than coffee and Liam thought fondly of Niall, who did exactly the same thing. The conversation slowly went on to what they both were sort of avoiding, Louis.

"Liam, do you think I could ask you something?" Harry questioned as he set his coffee down on the table, tilting his head to the side a bit. The older boy nodded in response, eyebrows raised slightly in curiosity.

"Why were you and Louis both so freaked out that night? Have you like, never snogged before?" His slow drawl made it hard for Liam to listen to him, but he frowned when he took in the younger's words.

"Didn't you hear what Louis said before the snog?" Harry shook his head no. "It was our first kiss, actually." He murmured.

Harry looked rather surprised, eyebrows lifting almost immediately as if he didn't believe Liam. "What? What's wrong?" The older questioned, feeling rather self conscious as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"I just find it sort of odd that you guys have never done anything of that sort together before. Like, isn't Louis basically known for getting into people's pants before even getting to know them?" He asked, and although the words seemed rather rude, they weren't. He was just curious, and what he said really was true.

"No, Louis' never tried to initiate anything like that with me. Has even hooked up with Niall before, a little bit after we met him," Liam explained, a barely there sigh leaving his parted lips. Louis has clearly never looked like Liam that before, especially judging by what he had told Harry during that fight.

"Don't you think that's a little bit odd, Liam?" Harry asked urgently, almost as if he was trying to make Liam understand something. The older wasn't really picking up any hints however, having no idea what exactly the brunette was leading up to. He just lifted his shoulders in a shrug, gesturing for him to continue.

"He hasn't ever tried to hook up with you because he thinks of you as something more than that, Liam. You said, that other day, that he was always really protective over you, yeah? Louis did what no one expected of him and protected you from the biggest danger, himself. Why do you think that he's never even tried to touch you like that? There's always been something stopping him from hooking up with you and then dumping you."

Liam shook his head a bit, not believing any of Harry's words. He wanted to but he just didn't see it. Considering the fact that he had spent so long convincing himself that there was absolutely no possibility of them getting together, it was just a little bit hard for him to understand where the younger was coming from. He really was trying to, however.

"It's a little hard to understand what you mean when I've always been so sure that Louis doesn't see me like that, y'know?" He explained, unkempt eyebrows drawing together into a little frown. Harry bobbed his head a little bit in reply.

"You've just got to be a little more open to the idea, honestly. I know that it's something that you've never considered or even seriously thought about, but I really think you should." He said. "The thing is, Liam. I'm almost positive that he wants you, or at least that's what all of the signs point to, but I don't think that he quite knows yet that he wants you like that."

Liam was rather confused, unable to grasp how anyone could like someone without knowing it themselves. "How could he like me if he doesn't even know it himself?"

"Well, I think he's been coming to grasp with it over the past few days. Because if you really think about it, can you tell me any other reasons why he'd break it off with me? Our relationship was going on well enough and if it was you that was the problem, he'd break off your friendship, not our relationship. Like, only if he really thought it was that serious — otherwise, I'm sure he'd just move on from the whole thing rather than breaking up with either of us. And the reason that I think, or I thought, that he was unsure of whether or not he wanted you is simply because he's never seriously considered the idea. Just because he's always thought of you as a close friend and nothing more. But there's always been some feelings underneath the whole façade, I'm almost sure of it."

Liam understood what Harry was trying to tell him, but he just didn't see the rationale behind it. Honestly, he didn't think that either of them would be satisfied without actually talking to Louis first. Because neither of them could speak for the older boy, only he could. The only problem was that he was missing and had completely avoided contact with Niall, Liam not quite having the guts to message him.

"Has, um, Louis contacted you lately?" He asked, setting aside his now finished coffee cup as he bit down on his lower lip anxiously.

"He hasn't come home yet?" Harry asked instead of answering the question, not sounding surprised at all.

"No, he's been away longer, I'm sure, but I'm just a little bit worried. He hasn't been replying to any of Niall's messages lately and I didn't wanna bother him in the morning to check so I just don’t know," He explained, shrugging his shoulders slightly.

Harry looked a tad bit guilty, causing Liam's frown to just deepen. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I assumed that Louis had told you guys where he was..." Harry trailed off while Liam was still as confused as ever. "Yesterday night — he messaged me and told me he was at Stan's house and was fine. Niall might not have checked yet or anything, but that's where he is."

Liam didn't quite know how to react, eyes widening slightly. "Stan? He lives like, ten minutes away from campus," He said slowly, realizing that he could get into a cab and be there right now if he wanted to. The realization left him rather stunned; while he had no idea where Louis would be, going to him hadn't been an option before this.

"I'm sorry, I genuinely didn't know that you weren't aware of where he was. I thought you were just waiting for him to come home first and that's why you hadn't gone over… Are you thinking of doing that?" He asked. Liam was barely listening, his heart having sped up since Harry's words.

"I, I don't know yet, honestly. Thanks for telling me though, I wouldn't have known otherwise," He murmured, an instinctive soft smile gracing his lips. Taking a quick glance down at his phone and deciding that it would be a good idea to get home, he told Harry just that. The two stood up and made their way outside the coffee shop together, Liam admittedly rather distracted about the information that he had just received.

"Hey, Li?" Liam looked up slightly at Harry with an inquisitive face, eyebrows raised a tad. "Have you seen Zayn, like, is he in your dorm by any chance?"

Liam thought back to this morning, when he had left; there had been a pair of shoes that weren't normally there, right next to Niall's. He remembered that the girl he had been chatting to last night told him that it was some sort of roommate emergency, and judging by the whole situation, he could only come to the conclusion that he had gone home with Zayn. Where he would even meet Zayn, Liam had no idea but he hadn't gotten the chance to talk to him in the morning so he guessed he would find out afterwards.

"Yeah, actually, I think he might be. But I'm not really sure, I can find out and text you, if you'd like?" He offered, remembering when Niall had told him about Harry and his protectiveness for Zayn.

"Yes, please," Harry replied, slightly nodding his head in order to punctuate his words. "And tell me if you end up going to Stan's house. I'm a little bit of a hopeless romantic at heart and I'd honestly just like to see you together," He said, Liam being able to tell that his words were genuine and he loved Harry for it.

"I will. And I'm sorry that we've had to get closer under such horrible conditions." Liam apologized, feeling his mouth twist down into a sad slant.

"No, it's honestly alright. I should've known from the day that I met you that he was off limits, Liam. I should be the one apologizing for even going after Louis when I knew that he was meant to be with someone else."

Liam smiled softly, hoping that his eyes weren't getting watery as he pulled Harry into a hug. He was just so thankful for him, even he couldn't quite communicate that to the younger boy. "Thanks, Harry. For everything. Even if things don't work out with me and him, I'm glad that I'll still have you as a friend at the end of all of it." Although the two of them didn't really seem like an obvious friendship, Liam really liked Harry and hoped that the brunette felt the same way about him too. After the two said their goodbyes and Liam was sat in the cab, his mind wandered to thoughts of Louis. A little image flashed in his mind of him and the older boy together, despite him wanting to keep his expectations low because he really wasn't sure how things would turn out. Either way though, he just hoped that they could all just be happy for once.


	13. i've done this before, not like this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for all the ppl who don't like lilo, i'd suggest skipping this chapter!! :-(   
> & if you don't like them, don't worry, this doesn't quite mean that they are going to be endgame just yet, there's more coming up so you'll just have to keep reading to find out x

Liam unlocked the door of his dorm, taking off of his shoes and setting them by the door. "Niall?" He questioned as he peered into his room, hearing an "in here" from the dining room. The brunette made his way over to the dining room, eyebrows raising at the scene that he walks in to.

Niall's sat at one of the chairs next to the dining table, Zayn sat on his lap. It looks like the blonde's been feeding him, as well as himself judging by the plate of toast on the table. It's cute, like a picturesque scene from a movie or something. "I've gotta tell Harry that you're here," He remarked, a helpless smile gracing his lips at just how sweet they looked together. He distantly realized that he and Niall hadn't really been communicating about these things lately, because he didn't really understand what he and Zayn were; and Niall had no idea about the whole Louis situation.

"Were ye' with him?" Niall asks before feeding Zayn a forkful of what looks like eggs — he could only assume that Niall cooked, due to the fact that he couldn’t tell what they were eating.

Liam hummed softly in response, bobbing his head in a nod. "Had to talk to him about something," He said in a means of explanation, feeling his stomach growl at the smell of the food. He had only had coffee since last night, so he was understandably hungry.

"I was gonna message Haz last night but my phone died," Zayn murmured, biting down on his lip. "You look hungry, Li, do you wanna eat something?" He asked considerably, eyes flicking down to the toast.

Liam nodded, walking over to the table and taking a seat. He took a piece of toast off of the plate, beginning to eat and just watching Zayn and Niall together. It might've sounded creepy but he was a bit busy eating anyways and the two were rather absorbed in each other.

They looked beautiful together, Liam deciding that it was probably their contrasting features and general demeanor that made them look so nice together. Kind of like a yin-yang, he mused. After having watched them for a while, he made up his mind. He was gonna go to Stan's. What he did there would be uncertain and he wasn't sure how it would eventually work out for him at the end, but he wasn't going to find out unless he did it. He didn't wanna wait for Louis to come home and for the two of them to constantly have an elephant in the room so he might as well just take the situation headfirst. The brunette abruptly stood up, causing both Niall and Zayn to look up at him.

"I've gotta do something," He said vaguely, brushing his fingers through his hair. "Do I look alright?"

"Perfect, Li. Why though?" Niall asked, Liam brushing him off with a wave of his hand as he made his way out of the dining room and to the door instead. "I'll be back soon!" He yelled, hearing two "bye's" from the dining room.

                                                                          — *✲ﾟ*｡✧ —

That was how Liam found himself outside the door of Stan's apartment, having been stood there for about five minutes, debating whether or not he should knock on the door. He was having second thoughts about the whole situation, after imagining about a thousand ways that this could go wrong. Taking a deep breath, his arm moved without his permission and he was suddenly knocking on the door. _Oh no,_ he distantly wondered if it'd be rude of him to just run away now but he had made up his mind and decided that he'd stay.

Liam's breath caught as the door opened, _Louis_ stood there. He wasn't looking at Liam however, a newspaper in his hands, that he seemed to be reading pretty intently. "Stan's not home right now, sorry," Liam let out a little soft noise at the older's words, which caused him to look up, his face blanking almost instantly.

 "Liam?" Was all that the feathery brunette said softly, the younger not quite being able to place what the look on his face was currently. His expression seemed blank but his eyes were conveying something else entirely, almost looking cloudy.  

He nodded and gave him a little tight smile in reply, his mouth not quite having caught up with his brain yet. He was a little bit awestruck, looking at Louis for the first time since everything had happened. His heart told him he was doing the right thing but his mind said otherwise.

Louis slightly opened the door more, presumably to let Liam in. The younger walked through the door, his legs feeling a bit like jelly, before turning around. Louis had closed the door and was now facing him, Liam unsure if the heavy weight that he was feeling was awkwardness or tension, or a mix of both really.

"Louis…" He said softly, about to start going with what his instinct was telling him to do, which was pour out his feelings to the older boy but he was stopped short by him.

"Liam, wait. Do you fancy me?" Louis asked, short and to the point like Louis always was. Liam was a bit speechless but he couldn't do anything other than nod, mouth open; he felt like he was gaping like a fish, honestly.

He watched as Louis sat down on a sofa, having set the newspaper down. He grasped his head in his hands, letting out a little, low groan. "How long has this been going on, Li?" Louis questioned, his head still in his hands. Liam wasn't quite sure whether he should've been taking this as a good or a bad response but he just went along with it, taking his bottom lip in between his teeth.

"High school. Um, when we first met, actually," He mumbled, feeling a little bit guilty although he wasn't sure why. He almost felt the need to apologize for his feelings towards the older boy, but it wasn't like he could help it. He had tried to stop liking him several times, having gone through countless hookups and relationships that never lasted more than a few weeks. Whatever he did though, he just couldn't ever get Louis out of his head and he had grown to accept that.  

Louis finally looked up, eyes still not conveying anything as he looked at Liam. "When we first met? Christ, that was four years ago," He whispered, voice shaking with his words. He knew that it was kind of a big thing to just spring this onto Louis, but he hadn't expected a reaction quite like this.

Liam didn't reply, just stood there in silence. He didn't really know what to say anyways, how was he even supposed to react? He couldn't believe that this news was coming as such a large shock to Louis, wondering how oblivious he had been to not see the way Liam acted around him.

"Why, why didn't you ever tell me about it?" Louis asked after a minute of heavy silence, eyebrows drawn tight together in a frown. He was still looking at Liam, but Liam had averted his gaze to the floor.

"Do you remember that party you threw after we passed that one project together? I, I was planning on telling you that night but I walked into you snogging some girl. I've wanted to tell you, countless times after that, but it's always like your mind's been somewhere else, Louis. Either you've started hooking up with some new fling or you're "dating" someone or you've just gotten out of "dating" someone. Either way, there's never been a time that you've been interested in me like that. You've hooked up with almost all of your close friends before, the exception being those in relationships, but you've never even once tried to hook up with me. Haven't even brought it up before, and that's how I knew that you never saw me like that, Louis. I know that I'm not someone you would approach at a pub or anything, but it was hard for me to keep those feelings away once they were there." Liam took a deep breath after he was done, eyes flickering back over to Louis to catch his expression. He still couldn't read him, but he had a slight feeling that the most prominent thing he was feeling was disbelief.

"The only reason that I've never tried to hook up with you or approach you like that is because I know that you deserve better, Liam. You're someone that's meant for long term relationships and actual steady, stable partners and I knew that I'd never be that person. But, if I had known that you felt like this, I, I," He cut himself off, shaking his head almost ruefully. "I would've tried. I can't deny that I have feelings for you, and maybe, all these years, there's been a little bit more something there than just friendly feelings. I'm sorry that you've had to go through all of this, I can't even imagine how fucking shitty it must've been to see me with all of those different people and that's where the problem is, Li. I want to be the perfect person that you're looking for, but I'm not. And I can't change that quickly, even if I wish I could," Liam's heart felt like it stopped a little bit, already knowing that these were words of rejection. Four years and he had never felt quite so heartbroken, feeling his eyes well with tears.

"I know, Lou. I understand. I guess there's always been just a little part of me, hoping that one day, we'd be together, no matter how far off that seemed. But life doesn't always work that way and it's fine, really." He mumbled, eyes set straight onto the ground. He couldn't even bear to look at the older boy right now, already knowing that all of his feelings would just come rushing out of him and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let himself be put into such a vulnerable situation — he needed to realize that sometimes, he'd have to stand up for himself.

"It sounds like you're saying goodbye, Li," Louis said softly, shaking his head once more. "That's not, that's not what I want you to do," He said under his breath, Liam tilting his head at him.

"I'm not saying goodbye, Lou. I've been through four years of liking you and being unable to do anything about it, it's not like anything's gonna change now," He said matter-of-factly, not trying to make the older boy feel bad or anything, just stating the truth.

"No, Liam. That's not what I want. What I'm trying to say here is… I wanna try for you. I know I can't quite be exactly the person that you're looking for but that doesn't mean I can't try," Liam isn’t really sure what the older is saying, unable to hear or comprehend what he's saying due to the blood rushing through his ears.

It's them just standing there, staring at each other that spurs Liam into action, taking a few long strides and _somehow_ they're kissing, the younger boy conveying his words through the kiss. It happens similar to the kiss that happened at the party, still full of passion and intensity and heat but neither of them have to break away this time because they're alone.

When Liam has to pull away to breathe, he feels a grin grace his lips at the way that the older's looking at him. He sees something that he's never seen before in his eyes and there's a flick of pure heat that runs down his entire body when he realizes that it's lust. "Thank you," He says, voice thick with arousal before they're kissing again and Louis is leading him into his room.

                                                                          — *✲ﾟ*｡✧ —

It's afterwards, when they're lying in bed together, sated and sleepy when Liam questions the true integrity of everything that had just happened. He knew that Louis wouldn't have wanted to wait and he knew that he didn't really want to either but. It just seemed like it all happened in a blur. Not that it wasn't everything he wanted and more however.

"Hope Stan doesn't mind me using his guest room for… not the intended purpose. Ha," Louis says playfully, placing a hand on the younger's middle as the two laid there. Liam's not really listening to the feathery brunette, just lost in his own thoughts. "C'mon Li, don't disappear on me like that. Talk t'me. How was that for you?" He questioned softly, turning slightly to look at Liam instead of the ceiling as he placed a hand on his cheek.

"It was good," He couldn't keep the smile that graced his lips at the face that Louis mada, shaking his head slightly. "Alright, sorry. It was amazing, everything I had hoped for and more actually. It's just…" Liam trailed off, almost feeling as if he had shared too many insecurities for one day. He didn't want the older to be turned off by all of his issues, but he genuinely still felt as this was all in his imagination. If you had told him a year or so ago that he'd be in this position, he would've just laughed at how unimaginable and ridiculous that picture was. He was still sort of trying to get a grip on it and he just didn't want to mess up things when everything was so new.

"Tell me, Liam. I don't think this is gonna work if you don't tell me what's on your mind from now," Liam has to agree, acknowledging him with a soft hum.

"I, I just don't want you to feel obligated to have to be doing all of this because of me. I mean, I've just spring this news on you out of nowhere and I understand if you feel like you have to do this because you feel guilty or something and I just don't want that to happen, Lou. I want this, uh, _thing_ to work out, I really do, but I understand if you don't feel the same, I can live with it."

Liam kept his words quite vague, unsure of what exactly he would refer to the pair of them as. To be completely honest, the brunette really wouldn't even mind if Louis said that this would be nothing more than a fling or a one-time thing because that would probably keep his fragile heart safe — As opposed to the two dating with the older being completely uninterested and secretly unhappy; He would never ever want Louis to resent him, no matter what happened.

Liam bit down on his lower lip as Louis let out a heavy sigh, his face conveying exasperation. "Liam, listen to me. I promise you that I'm doing this with my own will and you're not forcing me or pressuring me into anything. Like I said, I want to try for you, but I want to try for me aswell. You're undoubtedly one of the best things that's happened to me and I can't believe that I've never noticed the way you feel and I'm sorry, Li. But this is my chance to make things right and if I've got the feelings for it, why can't we give this a shot? Obligation aside, I like you, Liam. I know you may not think I do, but I do. So just for me, will you stop overthinking things and see how this works out? All I want is for you to be happy," Louis said, his words more sincere than Liam's heard in a while.

Louis and commitment were two words that were never put near each other but if he wanted to give this "relationship" a shot, Liam certainly wouldn't stop him from doing so. Especially not when his love for him had probably tripled since the last hour. Sometimes he was so helplessly in love that he wished he could just let everything out, but he didn't want to be too forward about his feelings for Louis due to the fact that he'd probably scare him away.

"Okay, Lou. The least we could do is give this a chance, you're right," While he was overwhelmed with uncertainty and doubt, there was still a clear happiness radiating from his skin and probably making him glow.

Even if they didn't work out, Liam would always have _this_ to remember. He'd always know that Louis tried for him and that would be enough for Liam. Truthfully, the younger took whatever he could when it came to the older boy. He had a feeling that that wouldn't change a bit even when they were together, and a little part of him told him that it was probably unhealthy but the other part of him didn't care. He was sure that being with Louis was enough to make up for anything that was missing and that was where his judgement was clouded.  Again though, he wasn't sure that he cared. And the worry completely left him when he turned slightly to see Louis, fast asleep and flawless. In the end, he was worth it.


	14. in your eyes, where i wanna be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay for ziall!!! sort of a long chapter to make up for the fact that i might not upload next week due to an overload of work :-( :-(
> 
> also, blue by zayn is the song used in this chapter!! the pronouns are changed to hopefully make a little bit more sense, ik it's cheesy buttt :-) :-) hope anyone reading this enjoys the chapter xoxo

Niall felt like the week had gone by in a whirlwind, too many things happening for him to process. Zayn stayed over for that whole day, and it was later on that Liam and Louis showed up together, the younger looking abnormally flustered. Long story short, the pair explained that they were giving their relationship a try and Niall couldn’t be happier for his best friend. He had expected that it would take a little bit of reassurance to convince Zayn that Harry would be okay, but it seemed that he had really taken Niall's words to heart the night of the party — He was just as happy for Liam and Louis. Despite the fact that he had quite a few questions about the two, he was still undeniably happy for them. He decided to just keep his uncertainty to himself, and the four spent the rest of the day together until Zayn had to go home since he had early classes tomorrow.

Niall didn't have the time to talk to Liam about anything, what with classes and the younger being rather invested with Louis. However, Niall couldn't complain as he himself was a little bit busy with Zayn. Although they hadn't met up (only saying hello whenever they saw each other between classes) Zayn had kept him posted on plans for their date, explaining to him that he was gonna pick him up Saturday night. He was told to dress nicely, which was where Niall found himself currently.

Standing in front of his closet with his hands perched firmly on his hips, he tilted his head considerably at his closet. He had lots of nice dress shirts and trousers, although he wasn't sure whether that was what he was looking for or whether he really wanted to go all out with a suit.

Louis was lying on his bed, giving him his useless opinion every once in a while. The only reason he was with Niall was because Liam had gone for a shower, Louis proudly announcing that he was the one that made him dirty in the first place.

The blonde stared despairingly at his closet, feeling like a teenage girl in some sort of rom-com movie. He let out a loud groan, turning to face the brunette who was just smirking at him amusedly. _dress nice babes xx_ wasn't enough description for him to decide what to pick. "Louis," Niall wailed, turning to him with a frown on his face.

Louis looked as if he was about to make some sort of smart remark but it was at that moment that Liam walked in, a pair of workout shorts on along with a towel around his neck. "What's going on, Niall? Heard you yelling from in there," He said disapprovingly, glancing over to the bathroom.

Niall was glad that Liam was there, because he was about four thousand times more helpful and better with advice than the older boy was. After he explained his predicament to Liam, he almost immediately helped him pick an outfit with minimal insults. Basically the opposite of Louis. The outfit that he picked out was admittedly very nice, a simple blue tailored suit with a white undershirt and a black tie.

Fifteen minutes later, Niall found himself combing some gel through his hair while still letting it fall natural. He had dyed his tips back to blonde on Tuesday, but kept his roots mostly brown, having decided that he'd go completely brown once it was summer. He just didn't have quite the courage to do it at the moment. He spritzed on a bit of his cologne as he took one last look in the mirror, anxiously biting down on his lower lip. As dumb as it sounded, he was really nervous and his heart felt like it was beating a mile a minute. This was probably going to be their one and only chance to make things right between them, and he just didn't want to mess it up, that's all.

"Niall?" He turned as he heard Liam's voice, wondering distantly how concerned he'd be if he told him that he didn't think he was gonna be able to do this. His eyebrows drew into a slight frown at Liam's face, who's mouth had dropped open when he walked into the bathroom.

"What? What's wrong? Do I really look that bad? Shit Li, I dunno if I can do this," He wailed all at once, eyes flicking down dubiously to his outfit. But the way he looked only took up half of his concern, the other half simply worried about messing things up with Zayn.  He didn't want anything to go wrong with the date but there wasn't really any way to guarantee that everything would be perfect.

"No, no, no, Niall. The exact opposite actually, you look _amazing._ Seriously, you look so good. And listen to me, please. You can do this. You already like each other, it's not even a first date sort of thing because last time I checked, you guys go out together all the time. I'm pretty sure he's skipped classes for lunch with you, mate. Just calm down, everything's gonna be okay," Liam said calmly, his words meaningful as he placed his hand comfortingly on the blonde's shoulder.

Niall couldn't be more thankful, not quite having the words to express it so he just wrapped his arms around Liam in a warm hug. The older boy returned the hug immediately, an instinctive smile on his lips.

"First of all, hands off of my man. Secondly, unless we were expecting some other visitors outside of our dorm in a nice car, I think Zayn's here." Niall looked up, frowning at Louis, who was standing in the doorway of the bathroom. However his frown just grew at the rest of his sentence.

"What? He's here already?" The blonde questioned worriedly, turning away from the two of them to look at himself in the mirror once again.

"Yeah, and he's actually rather late judging by the time you told me he'd be here," Replied the older boy, shaking his head at Niall. The blonde couldn't help but smile endearingly. Typical of Zayn, really. The blonde's heart stopped when there was a knock at the door, feeling his whole stomach flip upside down.

"C'mon Niall, you've got to answer it sometime. We'll be there for moral support," Liam murmured, guiding the blonde out of the bathroom with a careful hand on his lower back. As the three of them got to the living room, Liam suddenly asked the pair to wait and jogged to the blonde's room. He came back with something in his hand, Niall unable to see what it was before the older's gingerly placing a pair of glasses on his face. They're not prescription or anything and he hardly wears them but Liam seems to think that they look nice, judging by his expression.

"Wow, that really does look nice, Li," Louis compliments, eyebrows raised slightly in surprise as they both eyed Niall up and down. He was glad that he had already put on his shoes because he really didn't wanna make the older boy wait any longer.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door up to see Zayn outside. His whole stomach flipped around once again, but for a different reason this time. Zayn looks breathtakingly stunning, in a blue suit jacket with a black shirt underneath along with pressed black trousers. It looks as if he's got a haircut as well, his hair shaved a bit on the sides and spiky on the top. He's also rocking the five o clock shadow, a look that Niall knows all too well on him.

He's drawn out of his stupor due to Liam letting out a low whistle, the blonde turning slightly to see the two looking appreciatively at Zayn. Which he really can't blame them for, to be honest.

"You- you look gorgeous, Niall." The blonde turned back to the older boy, biting down lightly on his lower lip at how fond he looks. Niall is equally, if not more, fond for the raven haired boy.

"Ye' look beautiful too, Zayn. Stunning," He murmured in reply, feeling as if the moment was a little bit too intimate for Liam and Louis to just be stood there, watching them. This thought is confirmed when Liam and Louis both let out matching _awww's,_ both Zayn and Niall pausing to look at them.

"So proud of our little Nialler growing up," Louis said softly, pretending to wipe away a few tears as he watched the two proudly. "You guys look so nice together, y'know?" Liam remarked sweetly, a fond smile playing on his lips as well **.**

"You too, Li. Congrats," Zayn replied, gesturing between Liam and Louis as he bobbed his head slightly. Niall felt a little bit bad about what the older boy said, wondering how exactly Harry was feeling about the whole situation. 

"Wait. Before you guys leave, we're gonna need to take some pictures. This is too precious of a moment not to," The feathery brunette said with the biggest grin playing on his lips, telling all of them to wait before making his way into his room. Niall simply rolled his eyes before gesturing for the older boy to come in, closing the door behind him.

"Hope your reservations are still in a little bit," Liam murmured apologetically to Zayn, although the blonde could still practically feel the warmth there for Louis.

"Yeah, yeah, knew I'd be late anyways so," Zayn said playfully. Niall bit down on his lower lip as the older boy turned to him, the blond only now noticing the single flower that was in his hand.

"It's a white rose, reminded me of you," The older said sweetly, his lips curving up into the smile that Niall loved so much, tongue pressed against his teeth. Niall returned the grin, feeling his cheeks flush almost immediately.

"Thank ye', Z," Niall murmured, taking the rose from him and placing it into a vase that was set on the living room table — it was Liam's idea to have that there, obviously. It was such a sweet gesture, Niall having to kiss the older boy softly on the cheek. It was at that moment that Louis was back with his phone, forcing the two to pose together so he could take some pictures of them. Ten minutes later and they were finally out the door.

The two made their way out of the dorm building and into the nice black car that Zayn had rented for the date. "I'm sorry ye' had to sit through that," The blonde apologized as the car began moving, glancing out of the window and remembering when they had been in this position only a week ago except it was a lot less tense this time.

"I thought it was kind of cute, honest," Zayn replied, Niall hearing the playful undertone to his words.

"It was like prom night all over again," Niall commented, shaking his head slightly. He had to admit that he'd probably keep those pictures for a very long time and look back at them fondly in the near future. He distantly wondered if the two would even be together in the near future, and he truly hoped that they would be. He didn't wanna let go off Zayn just yet.

"Never went to prom actually," He commented, Niall's eyebrows raising almost immediately. He wondered what other things the older boy had missed when he was afraid of what people would think about his sexuality. He made a little mental note to make sure that him and Zayn did everything that he was unable to do when he was younger.

"So what's the agenda for tonight?" Niall questioned curiously as he placed a hand on the older's covered thigh, eyes still set on the passing surroundings outside to figure out where they were going. However, he couldn't really place the path that they were taking. To be fair, if the raven haired boy had planned out something even remotely fancy for him, then he probably wouldn't be able to recognize it. He didn't really bother splurging on expensive places unless it was a special occasion.

"If I told you then it wouldn't be a surprise, babes," He replied, placing his own hand on top of Niall's, the blonde instantaneously linking their fingers together.

"C'mon, I just want a little hint," Niall whined, although he really didn't care what they did as long as Zayn was with him, truthfully.

"I hope you're alright with sleeping over tonight," Zayn said vaguely, the blonde able to hear the smile in his voice.

"Definitely," He replied with a soft grin, leaning over to place a chaste kiss on the older's cheek. "But that's still not giving me any hints, I'm afraid," The blonde said playfully, looking over at the older so he could pout at him and possibly convince him to spill where they were going with his puppy eyes. It doesn’t seem to work however, as Zayn rolled his eyes -- at least from what he could tell in the dimly lit car.

"Fine, be that way," He grumbled, immediately taking his hand away from where it was on the older's thigh and placing it on his own lap instead. He couldn't help the small smile that adorned his lips at the chuckle that Zayn lets out, although he didn't relent and kept his "annoyed" façade up.

When he shifted his head slightly to look out the front window of the car, he caught the driver's eye in the overhead mirror and flushed as she winked at him. He wondered what the much older woman thought about the two of them, the two acting as if they were six year olds despite the fact that they both were dressed like they were going to some sort of fancy event. Even he had to admit, though, if he was looking upon the two of them as an outsider, he'd probably think they were adorable together.

The car ride went by like that for about fifteen more minutes, the surroundings outside still not quite familiar to Niall. Until they finally pulled up to a large restaurant, " _Le Gavroche_ " written on top of the restaurant in large golden loopy letters. 

"I believe we're here," Zayn commented, a small smile on his lips when Niall turned slightly to face him. "Thank you so much for the ride," The older boy said to the driver, Niall chiming in with a soft thank you as well.

"No problem. You boys have fun," Said the lady before the pair got out of the cab, the older boy instantly taking Niall's hand in his own as the two made their way to the restaurant.

"What's this, Z?" Niall asks, eyes widening slightly as he drank in the sight of how beautiful the restaurant was from the outside. It looked like one of those places that he would maybe treat himself to once and then not spend any money for a month.

"I talked to my dad about his favorite restaurants here since he used to live in London for a little bit -- and this is it," He replied softly, gesturing with his hands to the building as the two went inside. It was even nicer inside, and Zayn's reasoning for choosing the restaurant made him even happier. The fact that Zayn held him to the standards of his father's favorite restaurant was a little bit too much for him to handle, to be honest.

It was a few minutes later and they were seated, in a quieter corner of the restaurant where they wouldn’t be bothered by anyone. The area wasn't too dimly lit, a large candleholder on the table along with some soft, sweet music playing. It was all very romantic and grand, however the most beautiful thing in that room would always be Zayn.

They had just received the menus, the blonde biting down on his lip at some of the prices that were listed there. His brows drew together as he read over the exquisite items, feeling as if he could probably order one of each thing and finish it all. He obviously wouldn't be doing that though, for the sake of both of their wallets.

"Anything catching your eye?" Zayn questioned as he quirked an eyebrow at him from across the table. He had to pause for a second, caught by how stunning the raven haired boy looked. He was almost glowing under the artificial restaurant lights, and he sort of felt drunk on love -- figuratively of course.

"The whole menu, t'be honest. I see that Yaser's got great taste," He comments, his lips lifting up into a small smirk. The older boy lets out a soft chuckle at that, bringing a hand up to run through his perfectly styled hair.

Another few minutes later and the waiter comes back, this time, with champagne, and sets it down on the table. "Have you two had a chance to look at the menu yet?" The waiter questioned, giving the pair a sweet smile. Zayn looked over at the blonde and he nodded, gesturing or him to go ahead and order.

Niall randomly picked the cheapest chicken dish on the menu, thanking the waiter once he took their menus and left.

"This is a really nice place, Z." He commented as his eyes flickered around the restaurant, glad that they were in a little corner so that it wasn't too loud and there was no one around to really distract him from the older boy.

"I'll have to tell my pop this, I'm glad you like it," He murmured, doing that smile that Niall _loved_ , his tongue pressed against the back of his teeth. "And I really like those glasses on you,"

Niall grinned back, reaching across the table to place his hand on top of Zayn's, which was resting on top of the table. "It was actually Li's idea, do they really look fine?" He questioned.

"Yeah, they do. Taking some notes from my book and getting all hipster like," Zayn commented fondly, a soft laugh bubbling from his lips.

The date went on like that, the attraction between the two clearly obvious. They were both clearly enamored by each other, even without the premise of the extravagant restaurant or the expensive food. They stayed talking long after they had finished eating, but Zayn wanted him home because there was apparently more to the date than just dinner -- although that would've been enough for the blonde, any day.

Zayn had asked the cab driver to drop him off at his dorm building, giving him directions along the way. He didn't say anything to the blonde however, just ushering Niall out of the cab and into the lift instead. He watched as the older pressed the top floor, the blonde shooting him a questioning look while he just gave Niall a small smile.

"My friend's got the top floor of the building which has access to the roof. It's really beautiful there at this time of night," He explained. "He's not home right now and said I could have it for a bit if I wanted to,"

Niall resisted the urge to coo, flushing at how considerate Zayn was. The lift doors opened up and the two made their way out into Zayn's friend's house. Then they made their way up the stairs and onto the roof.

The blonde gasped as he took in the view from over the edge of the roof -- although they weren't quite high enough to see the skyline or anything, it was _beautiful_ and it almost took his breath away at just how gorgeous the scene was.

"Wow," He breathed. "Ye' really were right about how pretty it was,"

Zayn nodded as he wrapped his arm around Niall's waist, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. "I'm glad you like it, babes," He murmured, gesturing for him to sit on top of a raised area near the edge so that they could still be looking over it. Once they were seated and the older's head was rested on the crook between his neck and shoulder, Zayn began humming softly.

"What song's that?" Niall asked, tilting his head slightly as he tried to place the tune of the song.

"Y'know that I'm into singing and stuff, right?" Zayn questioned instead of replying to his question. Niall obviously was aware of that, the older's singing voice one of his favorite sounds in the entire world. The blonde nodded, eyebrows raising slightly as he lifted his head from his neck and looked at the younger who was so red that he could even see it in the dark.

"Wellll, there was something that I've been meaning to get out of my head for a while now and you, you were kind of my inspiration for writing it," He mumbled, Niall feeling as if his heart had dropped down to his stomach. No one had ever written a song for him, _about him,_ and he couldn't quite comprehend the feelings that rushed to him at that moment.

"D'ya think I could hear it?" He asked, biting down lightly on his lower lip. The older nodded, clearing his throat. "It's called blue, by the way. Wish there was a better word for the color of your eyes, but," He shrugged a little bit, Niall still feeling as if his heart was down to his stomach.

" _In the clouds where the angels sing_  
_In your eyes, where I wanna be_  
_And his smile is all I see_  
_He knows I need his loving_  
_He knows I need his touching_  
_He plays with my heart and emotion I give him my love and devotion_ "

Niall's breath was taken away for about the twentieth time that night, the older's voice so beautiful and pure -- and the cool breeze of the night was just doing something to him as well. Not to mention how beautiful Zayn was, inside and out. He almost couldn't believe that he had written this song, much less that it was written about him.

" _He gave me his thought and a notion_  
_I need his body_  
_It needs me too_  
_I need somebody to Love me blue_

_I've been doing it wrong for too long_  
_I said I've been at it wrong for too long_  
_I've been doing it wrong for too long_

_In the clouds where the angels sing_  
_It's his smile, yeah it's all I see_  
_In his eyes, where I wanna be_  
_He knows I need his loving_  
_He knows I need his touching_  
_He plays with my heart and emotion_  
_I give him my love and devotion_  
_He gave me his thought and a notion_  
_I need his body_  
_He needs me too_  
_I need somebody to love_  
_Love me blue_  
_Love me blue_  
_Love me blue_  
_Love me blue"_

Niall's a little bit speechless, so many things running through his mind yet he's unable to really convey any of the thoughts. Zayn bites down on his lower lip as he looks at the blonde with his eyebrows furrowed slightly, Niall knowing that he was hopeful about him liking it even though he didn't wanna ask just yet.

"Zayn. . . tha' was so beautiful," He murmured, placing his hand on top of the older's thigh because he just needed to be touching him somewhere.

"Yeah? You think?" The raven haired boy questioned softly, looking down at his lap with a rather blank expression on his face.

Niall tipped his chin up slightly so that he was facing him, slightly leaning in and pressing his lips against Zayn's sweetly. The butterflies in his stomach had remained there during the whole date, however they probably tripled during this one kiss. It was like he could just never get used to the older's lips; he swore that he could get addicted to Zayn if he wasn't careful.

"God, yer' just so perfect," He mumbled after he pulled away, keeping his hand on his cheek. "Thank ye' for dinner, for the song, for everything, honestly." Niall thanked him sweetly, pausing to kiss him between every two words. 

"I'm sorry for fucking things up in the first place," He whispered as he lifted his shoulder's up in a light shrug. "I really do like you, Niall,"

"I like ye' too, Z. A lot. I mean, I have for a while but it's like ye' always manage to amaze me. Every new conversation I have with ye' is like I'm talking to a new person each time, like I'm finally breaking down yer' walls and I'm so glad tha' I am. I just hate seeing ye' sad and unhappy and I feel like that's all going away," He explained, not quite sure what he was saying but hoping that it still made sense to the older boy because the meaning was there.

Zayn smiled up at the blonde, tongue pressed against his teeth with the force of his smile. Instead of using his words, he cups Niall's face and presses his lips against his, intent behind this kiss obvious. He teased his tongue between the seam of the blonde's lips, scooting closer so that he was almost on Niall's lap. 

The raven haired boy let out a soft whimper into the kiss, Niall's fingers instinctively running through Zayn's hair, his other hand wandering down his back.

The older pulls away, already looking quite mussed up from just that kiss, eyes wide and wet lips parted. "D'ya wanna come down to mine now?" He questioned with purpose, biting down on his full bottom lip as he blinked through his lashes at Niall. Niall just nodded, a little bit in awe like he always was with the older boy, taking his own lip in between his teeth at the older's gaze.

They found themselves stumbling into the lift, Niall a little too busy pressing the older against the wall to notice the lift doors opening. Honestly, he had been waiting to get his hands properly on Zayn ever since that one night they had together -- that night had instantly become an unpleasant experience to remember ever since the fight they had afterwards. So it had been cleared from his mind and now he just wanted something that both of them could look fondly upon, something that they'd both enjoy. And he had a slight feeling that that night might be tonight.

A few minutes later and they were inside the older's flat, more specifically in his room and on his bed. Niall's glasses had been set on the table and they were snogging pretty heavily, Zayn on his lap as usual. They had been like that for a bit, Niall going to remove the older's suit jacket when he pulls away, breathing rather hard.

"Wait, Niall," Zayn mumbled, the blonde noticing the look of uncertainty painted on the older's features and immediately stopping what he was doing. "What's wrong, Z?" The blonde asked softly, placing a gentle hand on his cheek.

"I don't, I don't know if I can do this. I just, I don't think I'm ready," He mumbles, eyebrows knitted together into a frown. He almost looks as if he's going to cry when he avoids the blonde's gaze and looks down at the bed instead.

It doesn't really sound like he should be, but Niall can't help but be a little bit happy at the older's words -- He had finally taken a stand for himself, a big leap forward from what happened last time. He obviously wasn't mad at Zayn for not wanting to, just glad that the older was able to see for himself that he wasn't comfortable with doing this and he didn't force himself into doing anything he didn't want to.

"That's okay, Z, it's fine really. Are ye' okay?" Niall asked, a hand resting on his lower back for comfort. He can still see how worked up the older is, his arousal pressing clearly against his trousers but that's not really what matters at the moment -- the blonde ignores his own state in favor of the older boy, very worried about him.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't wanna mess up again and I don't want anything to ruin our relationship when we've just started over," Zayn explains, scooting off of the younger's lap and next to him instead.

A soft smile graces the blonde's lips at the other's words. "Our relationship?" He questions with a little pleased smile, placing his hand on Zayn's leg.

"Oh, um, I was kind of gonna ask you but like, I don't think that's fair after I didn't put out," Zayn said quietly, shaking his head a little bit as if he was disappointed in himself. Niall resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Zayn, shaking his own head for a completely different reason.

"Our relationship doesn't have to be only about sex, Z. That's not what I'm in for, it's _you_ that I want, not yer' dick or anything else like that. _You_. Alright? When yer' ready we can do anything ye' want us to do, but I'm obviously not gonna be mad if ye' don't want to do anything right now." He said meaningfully, really hoping that Zayn would understand what he was trying to say.

The older stayed quiet, biting down on his lip as he kept his eyes glued to the bed. Niall let out a little sigh, using his thumb and forefinger to tip the older's chin up so that he was looking at him. He didn't want this little thing to ruin their absolutely impeccable night, and he really didn't want to end it with the older boy being unhappy.

"Zayn, do ye' wanna be my boyfriend?" He questions, a little smile playing on his lips.

"Yeah, yeah, I do, of course. I'm sorry about--" Niall didn't let the raven haired boy finish his apology, honestly not wanting to hear him saying sorry for no reason. Instead he brought their lips together into a gentle kiss, keeping his chin cupped.

The older boy pulled away and his lips parted around a yawn, Niall realizing himself how sleepy he was just by watching Zayn.

"C'mon, love, let's get ye' to sleep," Niall said, biting down on his lower lip as he rubbed his hand down Zayn's back. "Alright, I'm gonna go and brush and stuff, you can take something from my closet and use the bathroom afterwards, yeah?" The blonde nodded and pressed one more chaste kiss to the older's lips before he got up and went into the loo to do whatever.

The blonde took a deep breath before getting up and making his way to the closet, swearing that the sweats that he pulled out were his own. He distantly wondered how they got into the older's dresser as he undressed, hanging up his suit in his closet and getting into bed and under the covers.

It was a few minutes later until Zayn was cuddled up next to him, little spoon like always. Even though the night hadn't exactly gone how he thought it would, he was happy that the two had managed to work everything out and he was happy by the end of it. Along with that, he had gotten a song written for him and he ended the night with a boyfriend so he was pleased. Very pleased, in fact. He just wanted Zayn to be equally as happy as well.

"Good night, Z. Sweet dreams," Niall murmurs, his cheeks flushing at Zayn's adorable giggle. "Good night, _boyfriend,"_ Zayn replies, the smile obvious in his voice. And that's how Niall knew that everything was gonna be okay.


	15. i'll let life take its time, any time you see the truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a day late but i'm honestly so surprised that i managed to even upload this week!! i'm not so sure about the next few weeks though, exams r right around the corner and i feel so unprepared :-(  
> some interesting dynamics in this chapter, hope anyone that's reading it enjoys xo

Zayn was truly the happiest he had been in quite a long time. While there was a "honeymoon phase" per se with Daniel, it was nothing as compared to how he felt around Niall. Niall treated him like a king; he was always sweet with him, but it had been magnified ever since the two started dating.

He had had moments of self-doubt for sure, but the younger boy always managed to pull him through those kind of moments and his smile was always enough for him to forget everything. It's been five days since their wonderful date and five days since they officially got together, and the blonde had planned a little movie get together at his dorm. It could've been a double date situation however Niall agreed with him when he had said that completely leaving Harry out of things was much worse than him being there.

Harry had kept a strong face throughout the course of the break up, Zayn realizing just how amazing his best friend was for sacrificing what could've been a shot at true love — if he had been in that sort of situation, Zayn was almost sure that he would have done the less noble thing. But he had to admit that Liam and Louis truly seemed as if their fate was written in the stars. And Harry would have no trouble finding someone else who was _actually_ meant to be his, although he was taking a little break from dating for a while.

The two were currently at the door of Niall's dorm with a pack of beer, Zayn feeling proper grown up at the fact that they had brought a gift, sort of like a dinner party or something. At least, that was how he thought they worked.

The door opened and it was Louis stood there, his smile tightening a bit the moment he caught sight of Harry. Zayn didn't think they had seen each other since the fight that they had, Harry not sparing too many details about it. The raven haired boy could practically cut through the awkward tension between the two and he didn’t really wanna be caught in it.

"Hi, Lou. We didn't wanna come empty handed, so we brought you like, some beer," Zayn greeted softly, holding up the pack with a rather forced smile. He had given the older boy an obvious out and he was glad when he played along, grinning at Zayn and taking the pack in his hands.

"Thanks, guys. Come on in, Payno and Niall are still debating on which film we're watching," He said, looking over at the two fondly and opening the door wider so that him and Harry could come in. Zayn immediately went off to Niall, hoping that leaving Harry with Louis would hopefully make them talk a little bit and perhaps dissipate a little bit of the awkward tension. Taking one quick glance behind him as he made his way to Niall, they indeed were talking, albeit rather awkwardly.

"Hey lads," Zayn greets with a little wave, smile gracing his lips as the two turn around to face him. "Hi, beautiful," Niall says sweetly, grinning up at him. He can feel his face going hot but he hopes it's not too discernable in their dimly lit living room, shaking his head a little bit as Liam makes a gagging noise.

"Shut the feck up, I've had to deal with ye' and Louis doing only the Lord knows what all around the house, so yer' not allowed to show me _any_ cheek about me and my boyfriend," He patters off indignantly, frowning over at Liam. Liam still looks a little bit as if he himself couldn't believe that him and Louis had actually gotten together, and Zayn honestly thought that it was adorable how flustered he still was. While he hadn't quite got the whole story on Liam's crush, he had heard bits and pieces from both Niall and Harry. He truly was happy that things worked out for Liam and he hoped that things would eventually work out for him too. He wanted to be happy, of course, but more importantly he wanted Niall to be happy.

Zayn stood in between Liam and Niall, looking at the multiple DVD's that were stacked up in a cabinet. "What have you guys decided on watching?" He questioned softly, eyebrows knitting together into a slight frown at the messy cabinet.

"I was thinking horror but he wants comedy which I think is just mad for a night like this," Liam explained with a roll of his eyes, looking over at Niall with a slight frown on his face.

"Z, why don't ye' decide? What do ye' wanna watch?" Niall asked as he turned back over to him, eyebrows raised slightly.

"That's not fair at all. It's not a proper vote when it's _him_ that's the deciding factor," Liam whined, waving a careless hand in Zayn's direction. He doesn't know whether he should be offended or not, crossing his arms over his chest.

"For _your_ information, Li, I was actually going to choose horror," He murmured haughtily, looking down at Liam with a fake expression of annoyance on his face.

"Your boyfriend's a genius, Niall," The brunette said quickly, a little smile on his face. Zayn let out a soft chuckle at that, and Liam decided on some horror film that had recently come out about poltergeists or sommat.

They found themselves watching the film about ten minutes later, Zayn and Niall on one couch while Louis and Liam were spread out on the other. Harry had requested for the bean bag and all four of them graciously gave it up, the awkward tension in the room having dissipated since Harry was alright being a fifth wheel. Except it really didn't feel like he was being a fifth wheel at all, since the five of them just gelled so well together.

Zayn was cuddled up against the blonde, and even though the film had only been playing for a few minutes, he found himself not watching it at all. Rather, he was a bit enamored by Niall. It was just that he was already so gorgeous, bright, like he was constantly radiating sunshine but it was even better watching him watch a film. He liked seeing the emotions flit over his face as things happened in the film, and he could simply use the excuse of disliking horror films if anyone decided to question why he was just staring at Niall.  

Niall did glance at Zayn at one point, probably to see if he was enjoying the film and he raised a questioning eyebrow at him because he was already looking. Zayn just gave him a crooked smile, leaning forward to press a soft kiss on his lips. Niall returned the smile, albeit a bit confusedly before looking back towards the film.  

Averting his gaze away from Niall to the other three, Zayn bit down on his lower lip as he saw that Louis didn't seem to be watching the film at all. He followed Louis' gaze and realized that it led to Harry. Who wasn't even sitting anywhere near the TV or in the way of the TV. And even though it was dark in the room, he could almost feel the want coming from the older boy — sort of like how he had been watching Niall during whatever span of time had gone by. He wasn't sure quite how long Lou had been looking at him like that, but even after he turned his gaze back to the film and watched it for a couple of minutes, Louis was _still_ watching him. It didn't seem as if Liam had noticed, considering the fact that he was cuddled up to Louis and looked as happy as could be.

He felt a tad bit uncomfortable with the whole situation, making a mental note to talk to Louis before directing his eyes back to the film and wrapping an arm around Niall since he was a bit cold. The blonde, on the other hand was always as warm — Niall made a better blanket than his actual comforter most of the time.

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After the film was over, it was still pretty early on into the night so the other four were flipping through channels on TV and trying to decide on something they'd all like. Zayn, on the other hand was content to lie his head on the blonde's chest, almost feeling as if he could go to sleep right there. However, he was itching for a smoke so he got off of where he was lying on Niall and told the room that he was going out for a smoke.

"I could use one too," Louis commented as he got up from the couch. This would be a good opportunity to talk to him because they were both alone, he decided. He gestured for the older boy to follow him out to the balcony, opening up the doors once they were there and closing them after Louis was out as well.

He lit up his own cig and offered to do Lou's as well as he held it in his mouth, tucking his lighter back into his back pocket once he was done. The two stood near the railing, gazing out into the surroundings below.

"How're you? Haven't had the chance to talk to you in a bit," Zayn questioned as he nudged the older boy with his shoulder, blowing smoke out into the cool air. He had been trying to get out of the habit lately for Niall, and while he had reduced the number of cigs he used per day, he hadn't quite been able to shake the habit completely.

"Good, good," The brunette replied vaguely. Zayn had a feeling that he was going to continue to talk but he cut him off quickly, having to ask about Liam before the other boy tried to change the subject. "What about you and Li? Niall tells me he's been so happy lately," He comments before taking a deep drag, running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah, that's been good as well," Louis says softly, the younger not really being able to believe his words. "Really? Because I couldn't help but notice that you weren't quite focused on the film when we were watching,"

"What, um, do you mean?" The older boy questions back, noticeably avoiding eye contact of any kind as he continued to stare out below. Zayn did so as well, taking his last drag and stepping out his cig before he continued.

"I just saw you looking at Haz for quite a bit. Instead of the film, or y'know, your _current_ boyfriend." He murmured haughtily, hoping he didn't sound quite too bothered. He just thought that it was a tad bit unfair that Louis, on his own will, broke up with Harry for Liam yet still seemed so interested in Harry that he just couldn't keep his eyes away from him? He didn't quite understand it.

"Um, I don't really know what to say," Louis replied awkwardly, the opposite of how he was usually like; witty, quick, and collected. The stark difference made it obvious that he was uncomfortable, however Zayn kept pressing. He didn't really understand how functional relationships worked but he truly didn't think that Louis was keeping up his side of a functional relationship.

"I just don't understand you, Louis, I really don't. You were happy with Harry until he told you about Li, and yeah, it's understandable that you've like, had feelings for him bottled up so of course it makes sense that you broke up with Haz for him, but like, if you made that choice yourself, then why are you still so hung up on Haz? And don't try to deny it, it's obvious."

"I don't… It's not Haz that I'm hung up over." He said in a frustrated tone, running his own fingers through his hair anxiously. "Then what is it, Lou? Because I can just tell that you're going to hurt people around you and none of them need that right now, and you know it." Zayn wasn't usually the kind of person for confrontations, and although it sounded a tad bit cheesy, it was because he cared about his new friends a lot. And not just Harry, but Liam as well. He had really gotten close to the three throughout the course of the months that he knew them and he didn't wanna see anyone hurt, Louis as well.

"It's Liam, alright?" He said, clearly annoyed as he angrily stubbed his cig on the ground, avoiding the older's gaze. Zayn raised his eyebrows as he waited, not quite understanding what the brunette was trying to get at exactly. "I just, I just don't know what to do about him. I mean, I actually am happy, if you can believe that. Our relationship has been going great, he's great, the sex is great. It's when we're lying there, afterwards, and he's just telling me about how much he loves me and I can see the affection in his eyes and… I'm not there yet. And he understands that as well, tells me all the time that I can take our relationship as slowly as I want, and it's not like I feel obligated to be with him, but I sort of do? I'm just not on that level yet, he's loved me for so long but I've just entered this relationship and I dunno, it's too much for me. And it sort of makes me think of how things with Harry were _easy,_ like it was so chill but I don’t feel that way with Liam and I don't know what to do."

"Well, have you tried to tell him to tone it down a little bit?" Louis shook his head no. "Well then, how's he gonna know? Imagine being in love with someone for such a significant amount of time, I'm sure you’d hardly be able to keep it to yourself. But it's Liam, he'd understand. And as for the Haz thing, Lou, I'm sorry but you're the one that broke up with him. You can't just keep fucking around with people's feelings and go back and forth from person to person. It doesn't work like that and you can't just have Haz back now that you want him. I know you're used to things like, going your way and you're used to getting anyone you want but you have to think of the people involved here. If you don't want Liam then break up with him, but don’t expect Haz to come crawling back, understand?" He said, eyebrows knitted into a frown. He loved Louis like a brother, but he didn’t like the fact that he thought he was entitled to things that he really wasn't entitled to. It was this air of arrogance that followed him around that irked Zayn.

"Even if it wasn’t Harry involved, if it was anyone else, I'd still feel the same way. But the fact that me and Harry worked so well together does play a part in it. I don't know what I want though, it's hard to know when everything's so new,"

"Liam doesn't deserve that, and you fucking know it, Louis. If you're not sure about your feelings for him and you see him as just another one of your flings where you're gonna have sex with him a few times and then dump him then just end it now. I know how you work and Liam deserves so much better than that. The saddest thing is that Liam would be okay with it, would _still_ support you no matter how much shit you put him through because Liam is so loyal. If you think that taking advantage of his niceness is okay in any way, then end it now. Go back to hooking up with whoever you want, whenever you want but do not play around with Liam like he's a toy," Zayn didn't think he would get like this but he was genuinely angry; it was just, after hearing everything that Niall had told him about Liam and his feelings, his heart felt for him and the last thing he wanted was for him to get more hurt after all he had been through.

"God, I know that, okay? I fucking know that he's too good for me, that I don't deserve him because I think about it on the daily. I'm aware that Liam is twenty times better than anyone I've ever been with before and anyone I will be with in the future and I know that he deserves someone that’s gonna keep him happy. And I know that I'm not that person, I know that I can never even aspire to be that person. It's so fucking unfortunate that I'm the guy that Liam fell for and I want him to be happy, I want to be the person that keeps him happy but it's hard when I'm constantly reminded that I may never get to the level where I can give Liam the love he deserves."

"Then instead of thinking about it so much, try to fix it, yeah?" Zayn said — he wanted to be considerate, he really did, but it was hard to see Louis as the victim in a situation like this. Shaking his head as he made his way to the doors to inside the dorm, pausing there for a moment as he put his hand on the handle. "And remember, I'm doing this for Li, not for you." And with that, he left, chest feeling heavy with feelings he couldn't quite place.

When he made his way to the living room, it was just Liam there. "Niall's dropping Haz off downstairs, making sure he gets a cab and stuff. You guys took quite a bit out there, everything fine?" He questioned, bushy eyebrows furrowed with concern. Zayn forced a tight smile, gesturing over to the balcony. "Lou's still outside, think he's smoking another cig or something." He said by means of explanation, biting down on his bottom lip as Liam stood up.

"I'll just go out and get him, yeah? Good night, Zayn," Liam said sweetly, his lips curving up into a genuine soft smile. He nudged him softly on his way out and Zayn felt his heart ache a little bit, hoping that Louis could get his shit together. He didn't want to have to help Liam pick up any broken pieces; Louis breaking up with Liam and Louis taking advantage of Liam were two completely different things. Zayn would understand if the older boy broke up with him to avoid hurting the younger, but playing around with his feelings was a completely different matter. He let out a deep sigh as he made his way to Niall's room, unsure of what was to come.

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An hour or so went by and Niall and Zayn were lying on the blonde's bed, tangled up under the covers. "What were ye' and Louis doing outside for so long? It was a good fifteen minutes before ye' guys came back," Niall commented, distantly running his fingers through the older boy as if he was petting him like a cat.

"Oh, nothing really. Just talking about Li' and that," He replied vaguely, tugging his lower lip in between his teeth. While he wasn't really trying to keep anything from the younger boy or lie to him, he was aware that Niall really idolized Louis and frankly, he wasn't sure whose side he'd be on in this argument. Everyone sort of saw the brunette as a golden boy who could no wrong, and Zayn could sort of tell that he had been the first person to see through Louis in a long time.

Niall hummed a soft response and before he could continue or question him further, Zayn leaned forward and pressed his lips against Niall's. It didn't take too long before the kiss turned to more, the older making all sorts of embarrassing noises as Niall pressed against him more completely. Niall pulled away, Zayn not being able to really see but feeling like he looked surprisedly pleased.

"Soon," He murmured under his breath, before pressing a soft kiss to the younger's cheek, like it was a promise. The thing was, not only was he making a promise to Niall but to himself too. He wanted to be strong enough for it, wanted to see that he could still sleep with someone and not be reminded of the terrifying memories that Daniel brought with him.

He couldn’t quite see it, but he had a slight feeling that Niall was rolling his eyes. He knew that the blonde found it sort of annoying that Zayn had to keep specifying that he'd be able to be with him like that soon enough, but he was just worried that Niall would get bored of him if he didn't put out. He wanted to believe the younger boy when he said that he was fine with waiting, but it was sort of hard to with what he had been through before.

"I have a question," He said softly, feeling his cheeks flush just because of what he was gonna ask the younger boy. Zayn had been meaning to ask for a while however he wasn't really sure how to bring it up without sounding odd or whatever. "Y'know, when we like, get to that stage, what, um are you into? So I know and can like, please you or whatever…" He trailed off awkwardly, regretting asking the question the more he continued.

Niall let out a soft chuckle, his fingers trailing down the older's back, as he had been doing for a good few minutes now. "I wasn't really expecting ye' ta' ask me that," He noted with another little chuckle, fingers still tracing down his back.

"I'm a simple man," He noted, Zayn biting down on his lip as he willed for him to continue. "It's pleasing other people that I like a lot, actually. It's bringing the other person off that I really enjoy," He explained, voice sort of throaty and low and just making Zayn feel a lot of things, really. And of course, that was what Niall was into the most. It didn't surprise him one bit that even in the bedroom, the blonde liked to put others before himself.

"What about ye', Z?" Niall asks back, still using that low voice that's making his heart beat extra fast. The thing was, Zayn thinks that he'd like a lot of things. But obviously there really was no one that he was able to experience any of his interests with. When he and Daniel had gotten together, at first, Daniel had only ever made love to him. Until he started getting forceful and pushy and started forcing Zayn into sex or pressuring him to do things that he necessarily didn't want to do. So while he did enjoy getting knocked around a bit (he only knew that because of the few flings that he had had — some things he just thought he'd maybe enjoy although he wouldn't know unless he tried them) there was no question of him enjoying it because Daniel didn't have his consent. So he sort of blacked out everything that was done to him and that was how he dealt with that sort of situation. Niall would be his first real exploration into the world of sex, and he didn't really know how little or how much he wanted to tell him.

"Ye' don't have to tell me right now if ye' don't wanna," Niall chimed in, bringing his hand away from his back and placing it on his cheek instead. "No, sorry, I was just like, thinking about it," He murmured, leaning into the touch a little bit. He was just so warm. Zayn took a little breath in as he closed his eyes, telling himself that Niall was the one that wanted to hear about it and wouldn't judge him for anything that he told him after all that he knew about the older boy.

"Something that I like quite a bit is pain," He cuts himself off when the blonde hums softly, as if he already knew that. "Ye' kind of told me that already, um, on that night that we, y'know," He commented, Zayn's eyebrows furrowing in confusion. He knew that alcohol made him lose a lot of inhibitions but he didn't really think that he would've told Niall something like that so easily. "Did I say anything else?"

"Ye' said that the number of tattoos you'd gotten had something to do with the pain," Zayn felt his face go hot, the proximity and the way Niall's talking and just everything making him feel a little bit overwhelmed. 

"Yeah, alright. Um, like, being held down, restrained and told what to do and that. And I've not, only done it to myself, but like, a hand 'round my neck. Not until I can't like, breathe or anything but it's a thing," He took another deep breath in, hoping that he wasn't going too far. "Being spanked as well, only done that to myself as well but I'm sure it's different with someone else,"

"Fuck, Z," Niall says slowly, voice rough with want. "You've done those things to yerself?"

Zayn hummed a soft response, biting down lightly on his lip. He wasn’t completely soft in his boxers, if he was being completely honest. He also got the feeling that Niall wasn't either, but he wasn't sure whether it was a very good time to do something about it. He just hated how uncertain he was about doing anything of the sort with Niall, but he just felt like he needed some time.

"We can try out anything that ye' like when yer' ready, Z. I do have one thing to ask ye' though," 

"Yeah?" Zayn replied, head tilting a bit.

"When we hooked up tha' night, ye' really seemed ta' be into something and I wasn't sure if it was the alcohol talking or, ye'," Zayn prompted him to continue, eyebrows raised as he wondered what the blond was going to say.

"Y'know, I'll find out some other time. Wanna test it out later," Niall seemed to decide instead, Zayn almost able to hear the smirk in his voice. He didn't wanna admit to himself or Niall how hot he found it that he had the upper hand on him, especially in this kind of situation.

"'M sleepy, Niall," He murmurs, hoping that he didn't sound quite too distraught. This conversation had been a bit too revealing but had also turned Zayn on to the point that him and the younger boy sleeping together was very tangible.

"A little hard to sleep after the information I've just received," Niall replies cheekily, making Zayn flush and let out a little giggle that he'd deny if he was ever asked about it. "Soon," He repeated softly, leaning forward to press a full kiss against his lips.

"Sing to me, Niall," Zayn whined delicately, his favorite way to go to sleep. Niall had a beautiful voice, Liam telling him once that their voices actually worked very well together. But he honestly preferred the blonde's voice on his own, full and throaty, something he'd never be able to sound like.

Niall obliged, beginning to sing some soft lullaby to the older boy. He found his eyes falling shut as he listened to the blonde's sweet voice, cuddling up closer to him and realizing at that moment just how glad he was that he had found someone as spectacular as Niall.


	16. i want you, your body on top of mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have absolutely no regrets :,,,)))) besides how badly this is written oops   
> also i apologize in advance if future chapters r late!! unfortunately have no time for writing rn :-( x

A few weeks had passed by since their movie get together thing, and Niall had to admit that things were going quite well for him. Classes were good, he was doing well in terms of studying, his friends were happy and his relationship with Zayn was going great. Everything was _good,_ and he felt stable in more ways than one and was immensely glad that nothing too eventful (in a negative way) had happened lately.

He was currently at Zayn's dorm, the older boy sat across him on the bed. It was a nice Sunday afternoon, the two having gotten back from lunch about half an hour ago. They had the dorm completely to themselves, since Harry currently wasn’t home.

"Where's Haz, by the way?" The blonde questioned, eyebrows knitting into a frown as he remembered the fact that he hadn’t asked about that earlier.

"On a date with some bloke, actually. He said he was going to take a little break from that whole scene but he met someone at this coffee shop or sommat," Niall grins at that because _duh,_ typical Harry. He honestly was happy for the younger boy, glad that he had found someone. It wasn't really ever awkward to have him there, or at least not for him, but this way, they could do more couple stuff if the relationship worked out.

"So he's definitely over Lou and stuff, yeah? I hope it works out for him, Haz honestly deserves so much,"

"Yeah, yeah, he does. I'm sure he's over Lou after everything now, honest. Don't really think they were meant to be together in the first place," Zayn replied, shoulders lifting into a half shrug. Niall couldn't really argue with that; Liam and Louis were definitely a match made in heaven or something like that. It was almost unbelievable how well they fit together, like missing puzzle pieces. Even if it didn't quite seem like they were really meant to be together for a number of reasons, Niall had never seen Liam happier and he had also never seen Louis so grounded before. They lifted each other up in a way that no one had been able to before, and there was nothing more that the blonde loved than seeing his very best friends happy.

"That's very true. Liam and Louis really were meant to be together," Niall commented, his lips curving up into the tiniest smile at the thought of the two. However he couldn't quite place the expression on the raven haired boy's face, as it was rather blank. He distantly wondered if it had anything to do with the awkward tension that had been stemming lately between Zayn and Louis. He had noticed it a few times, but Louis insisted it was nothing when he asked about it. He was unsure of what exactly happened between the two but it was clear to him that there was definitely something bothering them. He just didn't wanna ask Zayn about it, judging by how quickly Louis evaded the topic.

"I don't really think Louis deserves Liam, to be frank," Niall's eyebrows instantly drew into a frown at the older's words, not quite understanding what he meant. While Louis really didn't seem like the _perfect_ guy for Liam, it was obvious that he was trying a lot harder than usual lately. The blonde hadn't seen him quite this grounded before, because he had never tried this hard for someone before.

"Lou's really been trying lately, though. Him and Li do seem genuinely happy," He noted, biting down on his lip as he once again wondered whether Zayn's clear distaste had to do with the weird tension between him and Louis.

"I guess so, but you'd be lying if you tried to tell me that Liam doesn't deserve better than that. Lou seemed just as happy with Haz, and I've not quite seen him with any other people properly, but I'm sure he acts like that with all of them too. Not that it matters to me or whatever, but it seems like it should matter to Li."

Once again, Niall didn't really understand the bitter undertone to the raven haired boy's words, unsure of why he seemed so against them. "It's not really a matter of whether he deserves him though, because they're both happy right now and isn't that all that matters in the long run?" He questioned with his eyebrows raised slightly, hoping that he didn't sound too angry or anything. Niall obviously wasn't trying to get mad at Zayn, but it was sort of hard to listen to him sound so judgmental of their relationship when there was so much pain that went into the two of them even getting together.

"What's the point of them being happy when it's obvious that one of them deserves so much better," Zayn muttered, eyes set down onto the bed. Niall was a tad bit offended on his friends' behalf, if he was being completely honest. The older boy just didn't seem like someone who was so quick to judge at all, especially when he of all people understood that relationships couldn’t always be perfect.

"I don't really know what yer' trying to get at, Z. It's not really any of our business what's going on in their relationship anyways," He said softly, trying to put out this little argument that had just randomly occurred from out of nowhere. Things had been going so well lately and he didn’t want this one little thing to turn into something that it didn't need to turn into. Of course they could disagree on this topic, it didn't really matter if they didn't share the same feelings on their relationship. It was just that he felt like Zayn was trying to insinuate something else with his words.

"Just seems like an unfair relationship to me, s'all," The older mumbles, his lower lip in between his teeth as he continues to avoid eye contact and stares down at the bed. "That's it, Z. There's clearly something on yer' mind here and I wanna know what it is. If you've got such a problem with their relationship, that's honestly alright, but ye' should understand that it's them that are in the relationship so it's not something we really need to be thinking about anyways."

"It's not Liam and Louis that I'm talking about, okay?" Zayn finally says in a rather unpleasant tone, clearly angry about something. Niall really had no clue what he was talking about, tracing back to the date, trying to remember if something had gone wrong or if Zayn seemed off at any point throughout lunch. However he truly couldn't place a single point where the older boy seemed unhappy at all.

"Then what is it, Z? I'm not gonna know unless ye' tell me," He said, knowing that he sounded almost as equally as frustrated as Zayn but being unable to help it.

 "How do you not understand what I'm talking about, Niall? I'm talking about _us,"_

"What the fuck? How are ye' talking about us _at all,_ Zayn?"

"How does it matter if we're both happy when it's obvious that you deserve so much better? You're settling for me when we both know that ye' deserve someone that's not so messed up. We've been together for how long now and I still haven't been able to get past _snogging_ you, Niall. How is this ever going to work out when you need someone that is actually somewhere near your level? Even if we're both happy right now, you're going to realize soon enough that you deserve someone so much better than me and I don't want to be dragging you down like I _know_ I am now," Zayn just bursts out, kind of as if this has been eating away at him for a while and it just finally poured out.

"C'mere, Z," Niall murmured, the older practically falling into his arms as he wrapped them around him almost immediately. "We've been this through this so many times, and ye' know how I feel about it. If anyone in this relationship deserves better, it's ye'. Yer' absolutely f _lawless,_ there's just so many brilliant things about ye' and I wish sometimes that I could showcase ye' to the world, to show everyone what an absolutely gorgeous person you are, inside and out, but I know if I did that, then someone would just scoop ye' up because yer' honestly just that remarkable. Your past does _not_ define you, by any means, and I need ye' ta' stop thinking about us like that. I like ye' just the way that ye' are and I wouldn't want ye' to change any bit of yourself, no matter what."

Zayn let out a little noise, Niall practically able to hear the millions of insecurities running through the older's mind. "I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," He mumbles, cuddling in closer to the blonde, nuzzling his head into his chest as he just fell into him more.

"No, Z. Look at me. Why do ye' do that?"

"Do what?" He questioned softly, blinking up at the younger boy. He looked as vulnerable as ever, face soft and eyes a little bit teary.

"I've noticed that ye' do this a lot and I jus' don't see why. When yer' happy, why do wanna mess up things for yourself?"

"I don't… I think it's because I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. Even when things were going good between us, I had to mess them up that time earlier as well and I'm sorry. But it's like there's this little person in the back of my mind that's constantly reminding me that I don’t deserve happiness in any way and I don't know how to get rid of it."

Niall understood what he was trying to say, but it made him feel horrible knowing that Zayn was hurting so much and there wasn't a single thing that he could do about it. There was absolutely no way that he'd ever be able to get into his head in that way; he wished that he was able to take away all of Zayn's worries and put them on his own shoulders instead.

"Just… can we forget about this for now, please?" Zayn requests, voice barely above a whisper as he distractedly ran his fingers through Niall's hair. He nods, making a little note to bring up this topic at a better time. He was determined to do something that would make Zayn realize his worth, although he really wasn't sure of how exactly he'd be able to do that.

"D'ya think we could nap for a bit?" He questioned, the blonde nodding once more as the two settled more comfortably onto the bad, facing each other. Niall made a little mental note to think of a way that Zayn would be able to get everything off of his chest in an appropriate manner. He just wanted Zayn to be happy and comfortable in his own skin. A little sigh left his lips as the older boy leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, Niall caressing the older's cheek in response. He found his eyes falling shut almost immediately, glad that the beautiful boy next to him was all _his._

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The two woke up an hour or two later, just lying down and talking about whatever. They both sat up a few minutes later, Zayn getting closer to him and resting his head between the crook of the blonde's neck and shoulder. He was humming softly, Niall happy to sit there and just listen to the older boy for hours on end.

The raven haired boy adjusted his position so that he was properly on top of Niall, scrawny legs splayed on either side of his lap. "I'm happy right now, Niall." Zayn started randomly, Niall's eyebrows raising slightly. "I am being serious about this though, I truly am happy with you. I know it might not sound like it sometimes and I'm really sorry about that but I promise that I am,"

A smile graced the blonde's lips, glad that he was at least able to make Zayn happy. He was happy too, and it was nice, this reassurance that Zayn was happy in the relationship as well. Even if the two didn't stay together forever and ever, the least he could do was show Zayn that he deserved someone that treated him as well as Niall did. Honestly, the thought of the older boy with anyone that wasn't him made his stomach turn unpleasantly however it probably wasn't the most rational thought that the two would be together forever, but whatever.

Zayn leaned in, lips brushing against Niall's softly. Niall kissed him back, tipping his chin up so that he could fit their lips together properly. The blonde gripped onto Zayn's tiny waist so that he could take possession of his mouth better, smiling slightly into the kiss at the little sound that the older boy makes.

"Ye' really wouldn't think that ye' were so goddamn loud, but ye' so are," Niall murmured, his smile widening when Zayn flushes. "'S not really my fault," He replied, a pout on his face. The blonde just shook his head before leaning in again so their lips could meet, a little bit rougher this time as compared to their earlier kisses.   

Zayn's not being shy at all, fingers tangling themselves into Niall's hair, tugging through the strands because he just _knew_ that having his hair pulled was sort of a kicker for him. "Shit, Z," He swore under his breath, knowing that he was probably gonna have to distance himself from the situation because the way that Zayn was touching and kissing him was just a bit too much for him.

The raven haired boy pulled away first, lazily blinking through his eyelashes at Niall. With that, he deliberately pressed down onto the younger's lap, coyly biting down on his bottom lip all the while. Niall's fingers must be bruising his waist at this point, judging by how hard he's gripping him. This is really the furthest that they've been since getting together, and he really can't help the fact that he's hard in his shorts.

"Z, what do ye' want?" He asked throatily, voice gone black with want. Of course he'd be completely fine if the older boy didn't want to continue, but he was definitely going to have to take care of himself in some way or the other.

"I want to touch you," Zayn responded honestly, not doing much better in terms of sounding like he had just smoked a pack or sommat. The blonde nodded, running his fingers through his mussed up hair instinctively. "Are ye' sure?" He asked, just to make sure that he was alright with going through with this. He definitely didn't want Zayn to do anything that he would regret in the future, in fact, that was the absolute last thing that he wanted to happen.

The older boy responded by getting off of Niall's lap and in front of him instead, pulling off his sweat shorts, gesturing for the blonde to lift his legs so that he could pull them off more effectively. All that was left now were his boxers, Zayn looking to Niall for permission as if he was the one that needed the reassurance. The blonde nodded, gesturing for him to go ahead.

Zayn did so, taking his lower lip in between his teeth once the blonde's cock was out. When the blonde met his eyes, it was plain to see that he was waiting for instruction -- It made Niall think back to what the older boy had told him earlier about what he liked in the bedroom, making him even harder, honestly.

"Take off your clothes," He said softly, settling further back so that his back was against the headrest more comfortably, legs splayed out in front of him. The older boy looked a bit confused, as if he was wondering why Niall hadn't asked for him to touch him. "I said ta' do something, didn't I?" Niall questioned, eyebrows raised. He wondered if he had overstepped his boundaries a tad bit with his tone but the look that Zayn gave him was enough to tell him that he was doing just fine.

The older boy nodded absentmindedly, almost to himself as he unzipped his skinny jeans (they were both shirtless anyways) and pulled them down his thin legs. He tossed them carelessly off of the bed, so he was left in his tiny black boxers. Niall found himself rubbing himself through his boxers as he watched the older boy, feeling his cheeks heat up at just how gorgeously obscene the older boy was.

Zayn looked at the blonde and he nodded slightly, the smallest smile gracing his lips as he slowly slipped his boxers off. He looked absolutely stunning, small and compliant, and Niall just wanted to _ruin_ him.

He had never really been the dominant type in bed, only an experience or two, but something about Zayn just made him want to control him in a way that he had only really done once before. But that was with a high school girlfriend, _completely_ different from what was happening currently.

"Touch yourself, Z," The blonde commanded darkly, wanting to reach out and touch but knowing that he wasn't going to give in so quickly. Zayn let out a little broken whimper of a noise as he rubbed the head of his cock with his palm, another little noise escaping his parted lips.

He continued to tease himself for a few short moments before he properly wrapped his hand around his cock, jerking himself with proper strokes. From what it looked like, he was a bit rough with himself, eyes closed while his slim hips jerk into his fist like he just can't help himself.

It's incredibly hot watching Zayn getting himself off, but gets about ten times hotter when his eyes open and they're staring at each other, sexual tension so palpable between them it's a little bit too intense. Niall's touching himself as well, honestly convinced that this was the hottest show that he had ever gotten.

"Fucking hell, Niall," Zayn whines, mindless words leaving his lips as he continues to shove up into his hand. It's absolutely obscene, the contrast of his tattoos against his skin and it all gets to be a bit too much as Niall's pace on his own cock quickens. 

"I think I'm gonna come, shit," The older boy moans, hand just a blur against his cock. "No, Zayn. Stop," Niall says firmly, making himself sound as possibly commanding as he could. The fact that his voice was so rough and throaty added to the domineering effect, feeling a strong sense of pride wash over him when the older's hand immediately stopped moving on his cock.

"Niall," Zayn mewled, looking wholly ruined, skinny chest heaving with the force of his breaths. "I can't, I can't, please," He whimpered, shaking his head slightly.

"I want ye' to hold off for me, Z. Is that okay?" Niall asked steadily, still lightly grazing his fingers over his cock although not touching himself fully. Zayn looked a little bit hesitant at first before he finally nodded, the blonde's eyes travelling down his beautiful body. He was still completely hard, cock looking almost painful because of the way that Niall had made him hold off. The power rush that came with controlling the older's orgasm was a _lot._

"I want yer' mouth on me, Zayn. Can ye' do tha'?" The older boy nods silently once more, moving forward and bending over so that he could get to the blonde's cock easier. His head was in between Niall's legs, and he looked up to the younger boy for permission before he went down. He looked so ruined in the most amazing way, gaze shiny as he sucked the head of Niall's cock between his full lips.

He let out a loud groan as the older boy continued to tease him, focusing on just licking the tip of his dick instead of actually sucking his cock down.

Rather than asking him to stop teasing him, Niall found his fingers tangled in the raven haired boy's strands and pushed him down a little bit so that he was properly taking the blonde's cock. Zayn was letting out these moans around him, the vibrations running through his entire body and causing him to get even louder when Zayn's throat relaxed around him.

Niall's eyes flicker down the rest of the older's body, unable to help the small smirk that graced his hips when he realized that the older's hips were moving against the bed in order to get some relief, probably. The thought of Zayn just _needing_ to grind into the bed to get himself off while sucking Niall's dick was even hotter, and he found himself instinctively shoving up into Zayn's open mouth.

He had been on edge for so long that it only takes Zayn looking up at him, eyelashes matted with tears to get him to come. "God, I'm gonna-," Is the only warning that he can choke out before he's finishing, Zayn's mouth around him the entire time.

It takes a few seconds before he's actually come down, biting down on his  lower lip at the sob that the older boy lets out, silently asking for permission to touch himself once more. Niall shakes his head slightly, biting down on his lower lip.

"Turn over, Z," Niall said lowly, feeling like he could get hard again simply with the way that Zayn complied so easily, like he was beyond any form of protest at all at this point.

Niall moved forward, feeling a bit like a predator as he gripped Zayn's tiny wrists in one of his hands, and held them both above his hand. The more tightly he held onto him, the louder Zayn's whines were. His other hand trailed down his abdomen, choosing then to connect their lips to distract him slightly, his tongue in the older's mouth.

He pulled away, wondering if he looked quite as powerful as he felt at that moment. "I need ye' to keep yer' hands there for me, can ye' do that?" Niall asked softly, his words a bit more steady due to the fact that he had already come and he sort of felt the need to be more articulate with the way that Zayn's eyes had gone glassy and sort of unfocused. Like he needed someone to ground him a little bit, take him back to earth. And the blonde was more than happy to be that person if Zayn was getting pleasure from it.

The older boy murmured a soft yes, and true to his word, Niall removed his hand and Zayn's own stayed above his head, his fingers interlocked so his hold was probably stronger. With that, the younger boy trailed kisses down Zayn's abdomen and to where his cock was, stiff and up straight.

It was clear what he was leading up to; Niall had only ever sucked dick twice, both times while he was rather drunk. So while he didn't really have much experience, he doubted that Zayn would care because of the current state that he was at.  

Taking a deep breath, Niall got his hand around the older's cock, spreading the precome around a bit so that it'd be a smoother experience. Zayn let out a whine, looking wildly desperate when the blonde looked up and he knew he'd have to hurry.

He leaned down a bit to flick his tongue against the older's cock, before he actually went in, closing his mouth around the head and sucking gently. Zayn's hands were still by his head from what he could see, pressing back into the bed to control himself from thrusting up into Niall's mouth.

"God, please let me come Niall, fuck," The older gasped out, Niall almost in disbelief at the fact that he was able to restrain himself from touching any part of his body, honestly. The blonde pulled off so that he could use his hand instead -- just because he knew that he was better with it -- and jerked the older boy off with firm steady strokes, his other hand gripping Zayn's thigh.

"Yeah, c'mon. Come for me, _princess,"_ Niall murmured darkly, the older's hips coming off of the bed with the force that came with thrusting up into the blonde's hand, the sob that left his lips sounding almost painful with how broken it was.

Watching the older boy fall apart was breathtakingly gorgeous, the fact that it was _him_ that brought him to that stage made the whole thing even more perfect. It took a bit for him to properly come down, eyes still a little bit hazy and clouded over; Niall got back over to the older's face, pressing a delicate kiss to his cheekbone.

"Z? Are ye' alright? Sort of disappeared on me for a sec," He questioned softly, biting down on his lower lip.

"No, yeah, I'm alright. Kind of felt like I was floating or something, I don't even know…" He murmured, finally bringing his hands back down and stretching them a bit. There were finger shaped bruises on his wrists, and Niall distantly wondered if he was a little bit too rough with the raven haired boy.

"I'm gonna go get ye' a towel, alright? Is there anything else that ye' need?" Niall asked, fingers mindlessly running through the older's hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

"Just a bit of water please, love," Zayn replied quietly, a tired smile gracing his full lips. The younger boy nodded, standing and getting his boxes on. He then opened the door and made his way outside of Zayn's room to where the kitchen was, eyebrows raising slightly as he saw Harry rummaging through the fridge.

The younger boy looked up as he walked in, his own eyebrows raising, probably at the sight of Niall. It was pretty obvious what he was doing and he shot Harry a helpless smile. "Hey, Haz," He greets. "How, how was yer' date?"

The two chatted for a little bit, Niall finding out that the date had gone well and Harry was gonna see him again soon. Harry shot him a little wink when he went back with the water, Niall shaking his head with a little grin playing on his lips. He was aware that Harry cared more about Zayn than anyone else, and he was glad that the brunette was sort of giving him his blessing. It was honestly his encouragement that he needed the most. He went back with the water, getting a towel from the loo first and then going back into Zayn's room. He closed the door behind him, not quite wanting Harry to walk into them.

Zayn was still lying uselessly on the bed, like he hadn't recovered yet from everything that had just happened. The blonde handed him the glass of water and then proceeded to dab the towel on him to get the come off of his stomach (admittedly his own fault) and placed the towel and the glass on the bedside table after he was done.

He sat down cross legged to him, the older boy sitting up a bit too so that he was facing him properly. Niall passed him his boxers so that he could get them on and he placed a hand on his knee, biting down on his lip. "I hope that was okay for ye'…" Niall trailed off, hoping that his own apprehension wasn't painfully obvious. The last thing that he wanted right now was for Zayn to regret this whole thing.

"Yeah, it was, honest. Didn't expect my little Nialler to be so dominant," He said teasingly, leaning forward slightly so that he could pinch his cheek. Niall flushed, shaking his head.

"I told ye', I like making people happy," Niall said in a self-explanatory manner, shrugging his shoulders while his grin remained. Zayn giggled softly, leaning forward to press a soft kiss against the blonde's lips. "Thank you, for not like, pressuring me into anything I didn't wanna do." Niall nodded, his lips curving up into a softer smile.

"Of course, Z." He said softly, undeniably glad that the older boy had enjoyed the experience and didn't seem to regret anything. "Hey listen, do ye' think I could talk to ye' about something?" Zayn nodded, eyebrows furrowing into a rather confused frown.

"Have ye' ever thought about therapy? Or like, counselling or any of tha'? I mean, I know ye' tell me and Haz a lot but sometimes I just feel like we're not really in the best position to comfort ye' about tha' kind of stuff, like with what happened today. I don't want ye' to have those feelings anymore. I don’t want ye' dealing with yer' insecurities by yourself and-"

Zayn cut him off, nodding to the blonde's words. "That's, that’s a good idea. I've never really thought about anything like that but you're, you're probably right, Ni. D'ya think, you could, y'know come with me for like, the first session or whatever? I've never done something like that and I don't think I could do it alone, at least for like, the first day,"

Niall smiled gently, taking the older's hand and interlocking their fingers together. "Yeah, of course, Z. I'm glad yer' open to the idea."

It was a little bit of a proper bonding moment between the two, the blonde feeling like there had been more progress in this one day than anything else that the pair had been through and he was so so happy that everything that happened today happened -- because the outcome was indeed more positive than he could've ever hoped for.

"I forgot to tell ye', Haz is back home. Said that his date went well and whatnot," Niall said, running his fingers through his hair absentmindedly. "I hope that works out so we can meet the lucky lad, t'be honest,"

"Listen, I'm sorry for everything I said earlier about Liam and Louis and their relationship," Zayn apologized sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. It was a rather random thing to say, making it obvious that he had been worrying about it for a bit. "Me and Louis had a talk about that and I'm glad that you said they're finally happy now. I was really just taking my insecurities out in the wrong place and I'm sorry about that,"

"It's alright, Z, I understand. Just don't worry about it, it all worked out in the end after all, right?" Niall questioned, patting the older's knee. Zayn hummed a soft response although he did still look admittedly sheepish about the whole situation.

"I'll be right back, yeah? I'm just gonna check on Haz and stuff," Zayn informed the blonde, leaning forward to press one more sweet kiss to his lips before he was getting off of the bed and making his way out of his room.

Niall lay down onto the bed, staring up into the ceiling. He felt like him and the older boy had finally stepped over a stone that had been waiting to be stepped over for a bit, and he was glad that they were making so much progress. In more ways than one.          


	17. the choices we make change the path that we take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope whoever's reading enjoys this chapter :-)   
> a little heads up that next chapter is actually the last one before the epilogue !! a lot sooner than i thought, uploads may be late however yikes :'o

To Niall's credit, therapy was truly an amazing idea. Zayn was incredibly grateful that the blonde thought of something like that; he had found him a therapist that day itself and the pair went on Monday after classes were over. Niall sat in for the very first session although it wasn't too revealing or anything, his therapist (a very sweet young lady named Zooey) just introducing herself and what she wanted from Zayn and the like. She also said that she would prefer them having their real sessions when Niall wasn't around, because of privacy or sommat. He had just had one more session since then, on Wednesday, having spilled out all of his feelings to her in the span of the first fifteen minutes. She just had this way of talking that made Zayn want to tell her about _everything,_ which he sort of understood because that was her profession, after all.

This was genuinely the happiest he had been in quite a bit, not only because of Niall but because of all of the things he had done for him as well. He treated him like, twice as well as Daniel did when they were first going out. It was kind of hard to not compare the two, especially when he was just so into Niall. Spending time with him was unequivocally his favorite thing to do and he was worried sometimes, that he was a tad bit _too_ clingy; honestly, he was always craving affection from him but Niall didn't seem to mind too much. The one thing about the blonde was that he always had so much love to give and that luckily worked out really well for the raven haired boy.

He was currently at Niall's dorm, the blonde fast asleep next to him. Zayn, on the other hand was starving but wasn't sure whether it'd be very courteous to leave him and go searching for food. _Fuck it,_ he decided as he got off of the bed quietly, padding out of the room and closing the door behind him.

He made his way to the kitchen and began rummaging through the cupboards to find anything of substance to eat; anything at this point would be enough to satisfy him probably. He froze at the voice behind him, wishing that he could disappear into the ground at that moment. This was the one encounter he didn’t really want to have.

"Fancy seeing you here, mate," It was Louis, and the older boy bit down on his lower lip as he turned around. The older boy was leaning against the doorway, arms crossed over his chest while his eyebrows were raised slightly. He felt his face go hot, lip still in between his teeth.

He truly felt bad about the way that he had treated the older boy the other day. One of the things that his therapist had told him was that he needed to stop apologizing for things that really didn't require any apologies but this was something that he really felt the need to say sorry for. Zayn felt horrible about snapping at Louis about Liam in such an unfair manner — especially when it really wasn't any of his business.

"Hey Lou," He said carefully, running his fingers through his hair instinctively. This was their first time being alone since the conversation took place and he wasn't really sure about whether Louis was cross with him. He completely understood if he was, and the raven haired boy was currently formulating an apology that would make up for all the terrible things he had said.

"Listen," Zayn started before the brunette could say anything else, Louis' eyebrows raising even more; Although he stayed quiet, probably wondering what he was gonna say. "I'm like, really sorry for everything that I said to you that day. It was really uncalled for, and just not any of my business _at all._ I guess it was a little bit difficult after hearing everything that Niall has told me about you and Liam but Niall has also told me about how amazing you are and how hard you're trying and like, I was definitely out of line for what I said. I'm sorry."

It wasn't really like him to apologize for something like this, just because he tended to avoid confrontations at any cost — in fact, he would have never even imagined talking to the older boy like how he did in the first place however it was equally out of his comfort zone to now apologize. But he was clearly in the wrong and he didn't really wanna lose a friend so he was pretty sure that he was doing the right thing.

"There's no need to apologize, Zayn. Honest. I'm a bit stubborn and hard headed when it comes to these things, me, and I needed someone to be an asshole to me to really realize that I was wrong. I mean, not that you were an asshole or anything, you had every right to say everything that you said," Louis clarified, sounding quite serious as he kept his gaze on Zayn.

"Honestly, I'm not completely certain that I'd still be with Li if it wasn’t for you, Zayn. You were right, I really wasn't treating Liam the way that I should've been. If anything, you just showed me that I needed to treat Liam better or else someone else is just gonna grab him up. I've been trying a lot lately, to be someone that actually deserves him and that's mostly up to you. I'm sorry that I came off like such a dickhole to you, and I'm sure both Niall and Liam would be so grateful if they knew how you tried to defend Li. Thanks for that, seriously." He finished, examining his fingertips nonchalantly rather than looking at him his time. He distantly wondered whether or not the older boy was trying to play it off cool however he couldn't really tell.

Zayn smiled, glad that there weren't any hard feelings there. So Niall was right about Louis trying a lot harder recently. He was very glad, truly hoping that Liam and Louis could have the fairytale ending that they deserved. He also knew that it would make Niall just as happy if the two stayed together longer than any of their individual relationships.

"Did you end up talking to him about that thing you told me about earlier? Like, him being too intense and that," He questioned conversationally, feeling a lot more at ease because he now knew that the feathery brunette wasn't cross with him. He really had no idea what he would've done if he messed up their friendship.

"Yeah, I did, actually. Don't even know why I was worried about it in the first place, I think I forgot for a second that it was _Liam Payne_ that I was talking to. Obviously he completely freaked out about it and insisted to me, several times that he would stop a _t once_ and I should've told him earlier and the last thing that he _ever_ wanted to do was make me uncomfortable." He explained in a poor imitation of Liam's accent, Zayn unable to keep the amused smile off of his face.

"I'm really happy for you, Lou. I hope things work out for you," Zayn says genuinely. Louis' smile goes soft for a second, his eyes crinkling at the corner, presumably with fondness. "Thanks, mate, I do too."

Louis' smile goes back to it's usual sharp state, still leaning on the doorway. "So, how's Harry doing?" Louis questioned with an eyebrow raised, looking expectant although Zayn wasn't sure what for.

"Really good, actually. He met some bloke and like, haven't heard anything but good stuff yet," He explained, bobbing his head to himself. "Probably gonna meet him soon if he's up to it and stuff. Haz has been working a bit on like, slam poetry or some shit like that," Zayn said with a little jerk of his shoulders. Harry was always starting some strange project or the other — he had firsthand experience of all of these hobbies because of all of the strange people that were invited to his dorm on a regular basis. Zayn had definitely walked into things that he wished he hadn't before.

"Always been a bit odd, that one," Louis said in a nostalgic sort of manner, like he thought back to he memories of being with him fondly. Zayn understood; Harry was the type of person that was easy to get addicted to, charming and beautiful all at once. What he didn't understand was the fact that people didn't really tend to stick around when it came to him. Harry was always the first person that he went to when it came to Daniel and his problems but the truth was that the younger boy had never really had a completely successful long term relationship. Not for lack of trying, however. He really disliked seeing people come and go, which was why he hoped this new lad was someone that the younger boy really connected with. Seeing as Harry obviously deserved the best. 

"Do you think you could let him know that there are no hard feelings or anything? I talked to him a little bit about it but I'm not quite sure if it came off in the best way, so," Louis said, biting down on his lower lip. He scratched at the back of his neck, probably feeling a bit awkward about the whole thing.

"Yeah, no problem. Just so you know though, there aren't any hard feelings on his side either, yeah? Like, don't worry about it at all. You're both better off anyways,"

Louis hums in response, looking as if he's about to say something when he's interrupted by another voice.

"Tommo, what's taking you so long? I wanna finish the-," Liam cuts himself off as he walks in the kitchen with his hands on his hips, looking proper bothered. However his face morphs into a smile when he catches sight of the raven haired boy.

 "Oh, hello, Zayn," He greets, Zayn raising his hand in a slight wave as a response. As cheesy as it sounded, Liam almost looked as if he was glowing — like, either he was pregnant or had just had some really good sex. Zayn wouldn't be surprised if it was either, honestly.

Louis turns slightly so that he was facing the brunette, placing a hand at the small of his back. "Sorry, sorry. Me and Zayn were just finished so stop your whining," He said arrantly, bringing his other hand up to twist his nipple defiantly. Liam flinched away, shaking his head and Zayn honestly felt a little bit like an intruder, like he was watching something that wasn't meant for his eyes. He knew that there was nothing really personal about what was happening but the two sort of made everything seem like it was.

Louis shot Zayn a wink and a wave goodbye before he walked out of the kitchen with his hands in the pockets of his joggers, Liam having whispered something to him that made him leave almost immediately. Zayn was glad that the tension between him and Louis had been completely cleared, because they would most definitely be spending a lot of time together in the future and he didn't want any of those meetings to be ruined.

"Hey man, I've been meaning to talk to you for a bit but things have been really busy," Liam said, a sweet smile playing on his lips.

"I can see that," Zayn noted as he jerked his head slightly in Louis' direction (or more accurately, the direction that Louis left in), a little smirk gracing his full lips. Liam looked a little bit sheepish as he flushed, eyes flickering down to the ground.

"Yeah, he's kind of been the main reason." He admitted quietly, Zayn's heart aching a little bit at the look on Liam's face. The love that he has for the older boy is so painfully obvious, and it makes Zayn so happy that it's finally requited.

"But anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about," The younger boy starts, Zayn tilting his head slightly in curiosity. "It's actually Niall that I wanted to talk about."

Zayn felt his heart speed up almost immediately, hoping that it wasn't anything negative that Liam was about to say. It would probably break his fragile heart, to be very honest, but he was going to have to learn to handle bad news without being affected by it. No matter how neutral he was trying to keep his face, Liam must've seen how worried he was.

"Jesus, Zayn, calm down. Looks like you've just seen a ghost or something. I was trying to thank you, not scare you off," He said with a soft chuckle, walking forward a bit so that he could place a large hand on Zayn's shoulder. Although he felt a little bit of the alarm disappear, he was still terribly confused.

"Thank me? For what, Li?"

Liam's smile softens a little bit as he removes his hand from Zayn's shoulder. "For making Niall so happy. He's really the happiest that I've seen him in so long and I'm pretty sure that's mostly up to you. Niall's great on his own, has never really needed someone else to keep him content because y'know, it's Niall and I'm sure you know better than anyone that he's enough to keep himself happy,"

The raven haired boy nodded, perfectly aware of that fact. If Niall was bright enough to radiate enough sunshine for the two of them then he definitely was able to radiate enough sunshine for himself. It sounded odd to anyone who didn’t personally know Niall (then again, who _didn't)_ because they probably wouldn't understand but anyone that did know him would clearly be able to see, light as day, just how b bright the blonde was.

"I'm not really sure if he's told you, but he hasn't really gotten serious with anyone since probably around the beginning of first year in college. It was this girl, she was really sweet and that, but she broke his heart and it stayed broken for the rest of the year. I didn't even think he was capable of dating anyone again for a while, at least, but I'm pretty sure he liked you the moment he saw you, Zayn. I know he seems very confident and outgoing but the reason that he's so eager to please is because he's actually very guarded inside."

Zayn bit down on his lip, hearing this story for the first time. Niall had never really gone into his exes or past in terms of dating. And honestly, he felt bad hearing about it. Their whole relationship, both of them had focused on Zayn's issues with tearing down his walls however now that he thought about it, he realized that he had never really gone into the history of _Niall_ and his own issues. Because it was just like he radiated happiness constantly and he had never even thought that there was an ounce of insecurity in the blonde. But it was dumb of him to think that because everyone had their own hurdles to jump over and he felt immensely bad that he had ignored Niall's.

"Don’t worry about it, bro," Liam said quickly, once again probably able to see the panic clear on his face. "A lot of people don't see it at first and that's fine. What matters is that he's obviously really happy now. Very very happy, in fact. I'm forced to listen to him go on and on about you and I guess I'm obligated to because I could never shut up about Louis, but I can see how happy you make him and I just wanted to thank you for that. I know that he's really glad that me and Lou together but I'm about equally as glad for him. And for you. You're with the best person that I've ever known and the fact that you're so good for him means so much to me. And anyone that makes him so happy is definitely a very good friend to me," Liam finished honestly, brown eyes warm and welcoming.

Zayn was a little bit overcome with emotion. He figured that if it was someone else that just listened to that whole spiel, they'd probably feel as if Liam was pressuring them to stay with Niall to keep him happy or whatnot, however Zayn just saw it as reassurance. He wasn't always able to tell whether he was making the blonde happy at all or just weighing him down with his insecurities so it meant a lot that Liam told him all of this.

"Thank _you_ , Liam. Like, I can't even begin to explain to you how much it means that you just told me all of that. I'm glad that I'm making Niall happy and it means a lot to me that I have your acceptance out of everyone because I know how much you mean to him,"

Liam doesn’t say anything else, just leans forward so that he can wrap his arms around him in a comforting hug, the moment being broken at the sound of Louis crying a dramatic "Leeyum" from inside his bedroom, presumably.

Liam pulled away from the hug, looking back at the direction of the scream with his eyebrows creased into a soft frown. "Sorry, think that's my cue to leave," Liam said, the older boy letting out a little chuckle at that. He was glad that they had had this conversation, feeling simultaneously closer to both Liam and Louis.

As the brunette walked out, he paused by the doorway and turned slightly to face Zayn once again. "Hey, what were you doing here in the first place?"

Zayn flushed. "Oh, I was actually just looking for some food. I'm kind of like, starving,"

Zayn was sent off back to Niall's room with a bar of chocolate in hand, chewing thoughtfully as he made his way inside the blonde's room and closed the door behind him. Niall was still fast asleep and a soft sigh escaped his lips as he got back into bed, still eating his chocolate. He pressed a soft kiss to the younger's forehead and set the wrapper of the finished bar on the bedside table (in his defense, half of it was missing in the first place) and cuddled up next to him, not really sleepy but wanting to be in the blonde's arms either way.

He was content, he realized, as he settled back further into Niall. Truly content, with his friends, his boyfriend, his life. He wanted to be suspended in this moment forever and ever, glad that things were looking up for him finally. Zayn wondered if what he was feeling at the moment was _love,_ and closed his eyes quickly before he could think about it some more.


	18. right from the start, you know i got you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been so behind on updates, i know i know!! i'm currently working on the v last chapter rn and i hope that i won't be too behind on it! :-(

Niall hummed under his breath as he ran his fingers through his hair, wondering whether Zayn would be out or not. He had just gotten in from his Astronomy class and walked directly to the older's dorm building rather than his own because he wanted to spend some time with him. He knocked on the door, continuing to hum softly.

It was Harry that opened the door, the blonde a little bit surprised to see him. Not him, rather his new look. He had recently gotten a haircut, and donated his hair to charity or sommat and the blonde was pleasantly surprised by the outcome. This was the first time that he was seeing him up close since the big chop. He looked nice, a little overdressed for just chilling at home and he wondered whether there was something else happening.

"Oh, hello, mate," Niall greeted, a smile gracing his lips. "Ye' look really nice. Not only yer' hair, which looks amazing but what yer' wearing too," He commented genuinely, tilting his head a little bit.

Harry grinned. "Thanks, means a lot. It's actually 'cause, y'know, Sean's over right now," He explained, Niall's eyebrows raising in interest. He remotely remembered that Zayn had told him that he was meeting Harry's "boyfriend" for the first time today and he let out a little noise of remembrance. "Shit, I'm so sorry. Is now a bad time?" He questioned, eyebrows knitting into a soft frown.

"No, no, of course not. Zayn's already met him and actually just went in for a shower. Me and him are just kind of hanging out, right now," Niall waggled his eyebrows at the younger boy, causing him to snort. "I'm serious, Niall. He's sort of in the living room if you'd wanna meet him too or whatever," He was clearly trying to play it off casual and Niall found it endearingly cute.

"Yeah, of course. Do I look okay though?" He questioned teasingly, running his fingers through his hair with a little playful smile on his lips. Harry whacked him and but followed him inside afterwards, the two walking into the living room.

Sitting on the sofa was who Niall assumed to be Sean, the blonde resisting the urge to let his mouth fall open. He was beautiful, sort of looked like the broody mysterious type. He had dark hair and dark eyes, face lined with a bit of stubble. He honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he was modeling as a side job or something like that -- don't get the blonde wrong though, definitely nowhere as close to Zayn's beauty.

Sean stood up and Harry went to stand next to him, Niall feeling as if he was in the presence of two giants because of how tall they both were. "Sean, this is Niall. Zayn's boyfriend," He introduced, Niall grasping the hand that was politely extended to him, the taller boy's grip strong and firm.

"So are all of your friends just ridiculously handsome?" Niall found himself flushing red at the boy's words, not quite expecting the American accent that came with it. He was obviously a bit older, but he couldn't really place whether he was third or fourth year or had even possibly graduated.

The three idly chatted for a little bit, Niall discovering that Sean really did seem like a very sweet person, naturally flirty and charming just like Harry. The pull that drew the two together was undeniable and he was extremely happy that Harry found someone that gelled so well with him.

Niall said his goodbyes to them before making his way to the older's room — Zayn was still in the shower so the blonde set his things down on the bed and bit down on his lip. He distantly wondered whether it'd be rude to snoop around a bit. Shrugging his shoulders, he decided that the older boy probably wouldn't mind and he proceeded to thumb through a few of his coursework books on his desk, eyebrows furrowing together into a little frown at a small notebook tucked under the rest of his large coursework books, the cover blank.

He picked up the small nondescript notebook, and flipped through a few pages, the words on the pages peaking his interest. It was a song writing notebook, the older's scratchy handwriting covering most of the pages. He found his lips curving up into a small smile at the lyrics of these songs, the blonde wondering whether any of them were about him.

 _Fool for you_ caught his eye specifically, the lyrics extremely sweet and Niall tried to imagine how exactly Zayn would sing it in his soft, dreamy voice, feeling his smile widen a bit. He flipped through a few more pages, eyebrows raising as he read the lyrics of a song entitled _Tio,_ his cheeks flushing as he read through the lyrics once more. He couldn't really picture the older boy writing down any of the lyrics to this song, wondering whether Zayn was thinking about him. 

He quickly flipped through the next few pages, feeling a little too hot and bothered. The title of the song on the page that he was on was _I Won't Mind,_ and he read through the song with interest, eyebrows knitted into a slight frown. It was a beautiful song for sure, the lyrics deeper and more concise as compared to some of the other fragmented thoughts that were jotted down onto the pages.

As he read over the lyrics for what was probably the third or fourth time, the door to the older's room opened. Zayn was shirtless and in a pair of baggy basketball shorts, not looking very surprised to see Niall. He assumed that Harry had told him that he was here. A smile instinctively graced his lips when the raven haired boy moved forward to press a kiss against his cheek, his arms wrapping him up into a hug.

"What've you got there, babes?" He questions softly, eyes widening a bit when his eyes flicker down and catch sight of the book that he's looking at. Niall frowns a little bit, trying to clock whether Zayn cared if he had looked through the book.

"Is it alright tha' I read through some of these songs?" He asked carefully, feeling a bit better once the older boy nodded. "I don't mind, some of them are just kind of like, embarrassing," Zayn admitted, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly.

"What the fuck, Z. They're all amazing, didn't even know that ye' were _this_ talented," Niall says honestly, squeezing his waist gently. "I was actually looking at this one, it's written so beautifully," He said with a sweet smile, showing the older boy the page.

Zayn's lips curved up into a smile as well, reading over the page that the blonde was looking at. He hummed a soft response, tilting his head slightly. "A bit of a surprising choice, honestly," He remarked, lifting his eyebrows a little bit.

"Sorry, had to pick one of the… not so graphic ones," Niall said playfully, grinning as the older moved forward to hide his face in the crook of the blonde's neck.

"God, was hoping that you wouldn't bring those up." Zayn said in an embarrassed manner, shaking his head with his head still covered by the blonde's. Although he figured that he was blushing. 

"As long as they're about me then I really don't mind," Niall teased, causing the raven haired boy to hit him lightly on the shoulder. He had opened up quite a bit more since the first (well, second) time that they had gotten off together, less scared of doing anything sexual and letting Niall explore his kinks further. However, not to toot his own horn or anything, he wasn't aware that he was _so_ good that Zayn wrote about it — _ha._

"Of course they're about you, you numpty," Zayn whined, leaning away to face the younger boy with a _duh_ sort of expression on his face.

"Is there anything else that's about me in there?" He questioned curiously, fingers still resting on his waist. He distantly ran them down his back, a gentle smile gracing his lips.

"Yeah, actually. I had a book before I moved, like, when I was in Bradford with Haz and stuff. But I threw it out when I moved, a lot of the songs in there were written at a really dark period of my life so I just wanted to start anew. Probably some quality stuff in there but I really didn't wanna revisit any of the shit things that happened then so. Anyways, I started this here and some stuff that's in there is like, general thoughts that I've had and some stuff I've written down when I was high and whatnot, but most of it has to do with, well, you. Haz, Li and Lou were also sort of influential for some of the stuff that’s in there. Just everything that's around me, honestly. But yeah, all the like, cheesy stuff and the, um, 'colorful' stuff has got to do with you," He explains, nodding a bit to punctuate his words.

"Tha's really great, Z. I swear to god that everything in here is gold, and I'm sure it'd be even better if it was you singing them. I'm gonna have ta' tell you now that you'll be singing all of these to me sometime." He commented, his voice light although he was being completely serious. Niall was rather overcome with emotion at seeing the notebook and knowing that so many of the beautiful words that were in there were all for him, _about_ him.

"I've recorded most of it actually," Zayn replied, idly fiddling with the arm of Niall's sweater. 

"But I'm sure the real thing is much better," The blond said, causing the older to duck to his head with a soft laugh.

"Where'd ye' get the inspiration for this one from?" He questioned, eyes flickering down to the open page. Some of the lyrics were a little bit too vague for him to really understand the reference, specifically the lines about someone never being his.

"Oh, I wrote this one after that night where we like, hooked up. Some of the lyrics were before that night when things were going well and um, when I had hope for our relationship and stuff but some of them were written afterwards," Zayn said softly, still fiddling with the younger's clothing rather than looking at him properly.

"Well it all worked out in the end anyways, didn't it?" He remarked, using his forefinger and thumb to angle the raven haired boy's chin upwards so that he could bring their lips together into a soft kiss. Niall absentmindedly placed the book on the desk, both his hands free to grip the older's small waist.

Zayn returned the kiss, sweet at first before he opened his mouth up to the blonde, letting out a soft noise as he pressed his body more properly against Niall, the blonde able to tell what he wanted.

He was about to reach to get his shorts off when the older pulled away, breathing heavier than he was when they first started kissing. "Niall, I, um, think I'm ready," He said quietly, looking up at the blonde with a searching look in his eyes.

"What?" The blonde asked slowly, his head tilting to the side. He wasn't sure if both of them were currently on the same page at the moment, because he didn't know exactly what Zayn meant by saying that he was ready.

"I want you, like, completely. Please," Zayn said seriously, Niall feeling as if he was about to pass out. To be quite fair, he was expecting that the raven haired boy was gonna want this soon enough, especially with his therapist encouraging him to step outside of his comfort zone and whatnot however he never would have expected this to come so soon.

"Are ye' sure, Z? I'm up for it, obviously, but are ye' completely sure this is what ye' want?" He questioned, just to double check as he squeezed his waist softly.

"Yeah, I've um, thought about it a lot and l want you. Just, do you think you could go a little slow? I know we've not really been doing that lately, but just for our first time and stuff," He trailed off, looking down to the ground in a rather self-conscious manner. However there was a determination in his eye, and Niall knew that he was doing this as equally for himself as he was for the blond.

Rather than conveying his thoughts with words, he leaned forward and attached their lips together gently, his chest filling with warmth that only the older boy could give him. Niall's fingers trailed down his waist before they went down further to get his basketball shorts properly off.

Before he did anything with Zayn's boxers, he got his own kit completely off to make him a bit more comfortable. And then it's the older's boxers that are coming off, the two kissing the whole way through. Niall lets the older take control of the kiss so he can distract him otherwise, fingers rubbing right next to where he's already half hard although not touching him where he needs it most.

"C'mon, lover," The blonde said softly, intertwining their fingers and leading him to the bed. He pressed him down with a gentle hand on his stomach so the older boy was lying on his back, looking up at Niall with his eyes already sort of glazed over. He was just _stunning,_ definitely one of the most beautiful things that the blonde had ever seen. Zayn was clean shaven, making him appear even younger than he usually looked and Niall distantly wondered whether it was wrong that that made the whole thing even better for him. It was just pure luck that the older boy enjoyed being powerless as much as he enjoyed having this power. Niall felt like a god whenever he got into bed with Zayn -- the way that the doe eyed boy looked at him was far too intense for him at times.

Niall crawled his way to the older boy so he was over him, leaning down so that he could kiss him. This snog lacked any real finesse, Zayn's tongue in his mouth as he let out a whine. This was already good, every inch of their bare bodies pressed against each other. But Niall knew that both him and Zayn wanted more so he grinded down slightly, Zayn jerking up in response.

"Please touch me," The older begged, keeping his hands to himself as he jerked up once more instinctively. The blonde nods in response to the older's words, fitting his hand in between the two so that he could wrap it around his cock. There wasn't enough precome for a smooth slide so the blonde could tell that it was a bit dry, but he knew that Zayn enjoyed the slight edge between pain and pleasure, which Niall was completely content with.

He pulled away from the kiss and stopped touching Zayn, gripping his jaw with his fingers in order to pull him back down to earth. "Have ye' got any lube or anything, Z?" Niall asked softly, getting it from where he gestured, right next to his bed.

He leaned away from him so that he was once again hovering over the older, in between his splayed thighs. Niall couldn't help but notice that quite a bit of it was gone and when he raised a questioning eyebrow at Zayn, wondering whether it was used for just jerking off or _something else._

It was the way that Zayn flushed that gave it away. "Just wanted to like, prep because I've obviously not done it a while."

Niall had to close his eyes for a second, just to steady himself, as his brain helpfully supplied pictures of the older boy, slim hips jerking off of the bed as he fingered himself. "Jesus fuck, Zayn," He groaned out, shaking his head a little bit.

"Touch me, Niall," He pleaded, biting down on his lip coyly as he stared up at him. God, he was the perfect picture of innocence and it was amazing that Niall ended up with someone as perfect as him. He took his time to coat his fingers, proud of his boy for keeping his hands to himself and not touching although he desperately looked like he wanted to.

"Lift your hips a little, love," Niall instructed, quickly getting a pillow under him so that his legs were still splayed around the blonde's waist although this way, he had the proper access that he wanted. He got a hand around his cock before he did anything else, jerking him off with firm strokes in order to distract him a bit from the fingers that were slowly circling his entrance.

Prep went by rather quickly because Zayn definitely wasn't lying about having practiced beforehand, taking his fingers like a bloody charm and letting out encouraging noises the whole way through. Niall distantly hoped that Harry and Sean had gone out or something, because there was absolutely no way that they weren't hearing this; but he didn’t want anyone to hear the older boy in bed because he was all his, especially in bed.

So rather than jerking him off, Niall focused his attention on prepping him obviously but his other hand went over Zayn's mouth, the sounds that he was making now muffled. Zayn wasn't usually a very loud person in bed, silent shudders and whines but Niall felt like he was trying to wind him up to get more out of the whole situation, and Niall honestly wasn't sure how he felt about that.

While he was still going painfully slow with his fingers, three fingers pressed against his prostate, thoughts of going slow with his words flew out of his head. "Purposely trying ta' rile me up, aren't ye'? Slag," He said somewhat harshly, the older just trying to push back more forcefully on his fingers, Niall's words clearly being somewhat of a kicker for him.

The look that Zayn was giving him was clearly one of desperation, and Niall got his fingers out of him, removing the hand that was placed on his mouth as well. "Condom?" He questioned a little bit urgently, feeling as if he'd come with just a hand on his cock at this point. Zayn looked absolutely _obscene,_ eyes glassy and plump lips parted, looking like he was on the slow slide down to that point where he sometimes got in the bedroom.

The older boy gestured to where Niall got the lube, the blonde considering asking the older boy whether he would like to change position or anything but the way that he was looking at him was telling. He was clearly very close to coming undone, and Niall didn't want to stave off his orgasm.

He spends a second touching himself as he gets the condom on himself, just for the way that the older whines. He then leans down, getting in between the older's legs so that they were on either side of him. This way, he could look down at him the whole time he was inside him and he knew it'd be the best way for both of them.

He raised his eyebrows a bit in questioning, asking a silent _is this okay?_ to which Zayn nodded vigorously against the sheets, mouth open in a silent moan. Niall took his time with it the whole way through, letting out a groan at just how tight Zayn was, despite the lengthy prep process.

The two stayed like that for a minute, intertwined in every sense of the word, Zayn's large eyes looking up at Niall's own blue eyes that were probably clouded over with lust at this point. "God, please move," Zayn whined out, hands reaching out to wrap his arms around the younger's neck. Niall did as told, moving back a bit before he thrusted back in, causing both of them to let out equally loud moans.

Zayn's eyes dropped closed as his head fell back against the pillow, dark hair creating a halo. Niall continued to fuck him at a rather steady pace, arms on either side of the older's body. "Fucking hell, Zayn. Yer' so beautiful," Niall groaned out, his words genuine as he kept his gaze in the older's face, mesmerized by just how gorgeous his boy was.

Zayn's hands went to Niall's back, and he's scratching his nails down the blonde's back before he can even say anything. Niall's hips jerk up into Zayn's, groaning at the pain but simultaneous pleasure that the older's nails gave him. It was less of the actual sensation and more of the fact that Niall was making him feel so good that he just _had_ to scratch the blonde to get some sort of control. It was the feeling of bringing Zayn off that really brought him to the edge, the thought of making him come undone.

"Please, please, Niall," Zayn whined out mindless curses as he pushed back on the blonde's cock, Niall distantly wondering how the older was so close to the edge despite his cock barely having been touched. It has been rubbing against Niall's stomach so there was some friction however Niall had barely had a hand on him.

Niall reached between the two and wrapped his hand around Zayn's cock, the precome providing enough friction to bring Zayn off. "Fuck, fuck, fuck," The raven haired boy choked out, eyes opening so that their eyes could meet as he came undone with just a stroke or two, absolutely stunning in so many ways.

As the older boy came down from his own orgasm, Niall was about to pull out so that he could jerk himself off to finish however Zayn stopped him. "No, please. In me," He hiccupped out softly, sounding like it was almost painful to talk.

The blonde couldn't argue with that, knowing in the back of his mind that it would be painful for Zayn if he kept going but he also knew that that was what the older boy craved, the fine line between pain and pleasure blurry.

A groan ripped from Niall's throat as he shakily jerked forward into the older's body, having lost his pace from earlier because he couldn't handle anything fast at this point anymore. Rather it was slow and deep, pleasure building up like a crescendo as Niall's head fell to the older's neck where he bit down at the skin there, not gentle in the slightest. Zayn wasn't making as much noise anymore, any sounds escaping from his throat sounding raw and gravelly; most likely because he had screamed a tad bit too much.

Niall can only imagine how _much_ it must've been for the older boy if he felt so completely consumed by the pleasure, especially because he had already come. It took just a few more seconds before Niall lost it, an almost animalistic growl escaping his lips as he came inside the older boy.

It took a few moments for him to come down, staying in Zayn until he softened and was able to pull out. He collapsed next to Zayn after that, breathing rather hard as the two lay there for a few silent moments, both too overwhelmed to even be able to speak. However they were both a little bit sticky so Niall had to eventually stand, tying and disposing of the condom. He also returned with a towel of some sort, before collapsing down onto the bed once again.

"Jesus fucking christ," Niall said, sounding like he had just smoked a pack or sommat. Zayn let out a throaty chuckle, turning slightly so that he could curl around the blonde's body despite the fact that the two hadn't used the towel at all so they were both relatively messy.

"God, that was amazing, Z. I," The blonde paused for a moment, wondering whether the insecurity that was so clearly there in his voice was noticeable to the other boy. "Was, it, um, good for ye'?"

"Yeah, of course. My voice is fucked," Zayn noted, a throaty chuckle escaping his parted lips. "This is gonna sound like, fucking cheesy, but it was perfect, Niall. Like, you know that I've obviously done this before but I'm so used to blanking it out that I don't, don't think I've been able to enjoy something like this in god knows how long. So like, thanks. A lot. And thanks for going slow and stuff, just thanks, for everything, honestly," He said softly, leaning over so that he could press a soft kiss to the younger's cheek.

Niall felt a bright smile gracing his lips, his cheeks heating up and his heart rising almost instantly. He wasn't really sure whether Zayn would have completely enjoyed the experience because simply put, the older boy had been through a lot and the last thing that Niall wanted to do was cause him any other means of unhappiness.

"I like you a lot, Niall," Zayn said softly after a moment, hand pressed to the blonde's cheek as he somehow moved impossibly closer so that the lines between the two of their bodies were probably shaky.

Niall's smile grew slightly. "I like ye' too, Z." The younger boy said genuinely, wishing distantly that he could forever be suspended in moments like this. He also distantly wondered whether the term, "like" was beginning it's slow descent into _something more_ \-- he was pretty content either way.

"Should we be outside socializing with Haz and his new boy, or?" Niall asked playfully, grinning softly at the chuckle that the older boy lets out.

"Nah, I think we could stay here for a bit more," Zayn replied, smiling with his tongue pressed against the back of his teeth. He leaned forward for yet another soft kiss, smiling into the kiss almost immediately. A soft laugh escaped the younger's lips and he shook his head a little bit, his grin softening. "I definitely think we could that." He lamented before wrapping his arms around Zayn, and pressing a gentle kiss to his shoulder.


	19. everything comes back to you

The one place that Zayn had always wanted to go; The United States of America. More specifically, Florida. However, when the raven haired boy told his boyfriend this during a lovely cuddle, the last thing that he was expecting was for the blonde to tell him, a year later, that he was taking him just there. Obviously the older boy was gonna pay for himself, but he did have to let Niall handle the expenses in terms of the hotel that they would be staying at. It took him a while to fully be able to comprehend that the journey was taking place and it was difficult with the money and whatnot, but they figured it out in the end. What made the whole thing even better was the fact that Liam, Louis and Harry were coming as well. There was a lot of preparation that went into the trip considering that it was currently the summer between third and fourth year, so it took a good year for preparations, to be fully carried through but it had finally happened.

Trip planning aside, Zayn was truly and wholly happy. There had obviously been some ups and downs, some bumps that were difficult to overcome but he was strong enough to get through them, especially with help. Not only was Zayn completely content with his boyfriend, but his friends and his life in general as well. Not to mention the fact that the five of them were currently in _Florida._

Getting there hadn't been easy; not only the planning, but the journey itself. See, Zayn had never once travelled in a plane before. Holidays in his family were unheard of, and the trip from Bradford to London had been in a train. So of course he believed the others when they told him that the plane was gonna do a loop-de-loop in the air _which--_ in his defense, was quite believable at the time. He felt like an absolute tosser when Niall burst out laughing next to him at the worried expression on his face, crying and heaving for breath until they were both getting dirty looks from everyone else around them. Except for the other three obviously, who at least had the shame to laugh somewhat quietly.

But once they were finally there, it was like a dream come true for the raven haired boy. Florida was insanely gorgeous, completely different to everything that he was used to in London and Bradford. It was currently their second night in the states, Zayn almost wishing that they'd be able to stay in Florida forever because they were all so happy there. Although summer was about three months long, the five of them were staying in Florida for a few weeks and then back to London. From there, it was a matter of visiting families and whatnot.

Currently, Zayn and Niall were holed up in their hotel room. The younger had Zayn pinned against the wall, the two kissing and wrapped up in each other as they usually were. If he was being completely honest, the older was a rather clingy boyfriend. Not that he would ever admit it to anyone, but they both saw the way that the he held on a little bit too tightly during a cuddle. He was genuinely a tad bit surprised that the two were still together just because of all the issues that Zayn had. But Niall was forgiving and patient and Zayn wouldn't have had it any other way.

He let out a little noise of approval as the younger kissed him more thoroughly, a large hand on his neck as he pressed their bodies together. The sex had been nothing short of phenomenal, Niall an absolute charm when it came to trying things out in the bedroom. To be quite honest, he was a whole lot kinkier than Zayn initially expected which was undoubtedly a fantastic thing. Zayn was in the process of ridding the blonde of as many clothes as possible when the door suddenly opened.

"Fucking christ, you two are like animals." Louis said in a rather disgusted manner, Zayn groaning out loud at the older's voice. Niall pulled away from the raven haired boy to graciously cover his manhood, considering the fact that he was left only in his white boxers.

"Feck off, Louis," The blonde muttered, Zayn's head falling back against the wall with yet another groan. None of his clothes had come off yet which was probably a good thing because Louis really didn't need to be seeing any of that.

"Don’t even wanna think about what would've happened if I walked in a few minutes later," Louis said mostly to himself as he shook his head slightly, eyebrows knitted into a disapproving frown. Zayn rolled his eyes, thoughts flashing back to all of the times that he stayed over at Niall's and was subjected to the sounds of Liam and Louis doing unmentionable things.

"What do ye' want, Lou'?" Niall questioned as he placed his hands on his hips, looking rather ridiculous, in the older's opinion because of the fact that he was still in his boxers and well, not exactly soft. Zayn's shorts were thankfully enough to cover up most of the damage.

"Jesus, put that thing away first. Intimidating as fuck," Louis said sarcastically as his eyes flickered down to his barely concealed dick, causing Zayn to snort. Niall, on the other hand, remained rather annoyed. "What the feck do ye' want, Louis?" He repeated.

"We’re not gonna spend our days here holed up in our hotel rooms. So come over, we can pregame a little bit and head of to a bar or sommat." He said, absentmindedly drumming his fingers on the little table in front of him.

The blonde glanced over to the older boy for confirmation, chewing down on his lower lip at how ruined he already looked. He knew that Zayn would say anything to please Louis if it meant that they could get back to doing what they were doing -- so Niall turned back and nodded, forcing a smile on his kiss bitten lips. Louis grinned and made some cheeky remark before he was off and Niall had Zayn pinned back to the wall in almost an instant, noting out loud that they would have to make this quick; not the easiest thing to do when you're with someone as beautiful as the raven haired boy.

                                                                                             — *✲ﾟ*｡✧ —

It was a few hours later when the five of them found themselves stumbling into a seedy tattoo parlor, drunk off of their asses and laughing about nothing and absolutely everything at the same time. Niall had put it upon himself to remain sober for the night, and he belatedly realized that it was probably a good decision, considering the fact that his friends were truly and wholly shitfaced. But he had to admit that it was incredibly amusing watching them make idiots of themselves; Even Zayn, who had gotten dangerously close to blowing Niall (for the second time that night) in the pub's unsanitary bathroom.

They were having a conversation about tattoos and it was this conversation that had somehow led all of them to a tattoo parlor. In his drunken stupor, Harry had mumbled something about matching tattoos and while Niall laughed it off, the rest of them looked as if a thousand puzzle pieces had clicked into place. He tried to get the idea out of their minds, he really did, but convincing four wasted boys that getting matching tattoos at arse o'clock in the morning wasn't a good idea was a bit difficult for him to handle on his own.

As Louis excitedly explained the tattoo idea to a burly man with far too many piercings, the other three sat themselves down on the chairs that they'd be tattooed on. Each propping up their legs, because apparently, getting screw tattoos on their ankles would be the perfect way to depict their friendship and hardships together.

"Wouldn't it make more sense to get a screwdriver and a screw?" Niall wondered aloud to his boyfriend, Zayn simply shaking his head with a throaty chuckle. There really was no reason for him to be laughing but he seemed to find everything hilarious when he was drunk.

"Are you sure you don't wanna get one too? Like, it's gonna be fucking awesome." He said with a grin, his twinkling eyes almost enough to convince the blond; It was a dangerous thing that Zayn had Niall eating out of the palm of his hand at all times.

Niall just shook his head, wincing at the telltale sound of a needle buzzing. His gaze shifted over to Harry, who was apparently the first one being tattooed. For some reason, his skinny jeans had been completely removed (rather than just rolling them up a bit so his ankle was exposed) and he was lying on the chair with the stupidest grin that Niall had ever seen. Lord, why was he witnessing this?

"Surely you've got some policy against tattooing people who are drunk," Niall said to the tattoo artist, distantly hoping that he would have some sort of morals. But he just looked up at the blonde with an unimpressed once over and shrugged his shoulders. Shaking his head, Niall pinched the bridge of his nose with a dramatic sigh. "It's too painful, I can't watch." And with that, he retreated over to one of the chairs at the front of the parlor, wanting to take no part in this.

About forty or so minutes later, all of them had gotten their tattoos and were thoroughly wrapped in fresh plastic wrap. For some reason -- and this must have been illegal, Niall was sure of it -- the tattoo artist had a bunch of alcohol stashed in the back of his shop, and his friends had continued drinking while getting their work done. Hell, he even saw the artist take a few sips himself and that was when he really began questioning what sort of a practice this man was running.

Even Liam had let loose a little bit too much that night, but since he hadn't had any of the beer that the tattoo artist was offering, he seemed to be the most sober out of the four of them. Which was the reason Niall made his way over to the brunette, eyebrows knitting down into a soft frown at the almost upset look on his face.

"Li, what's wrong?" He questioned slowly, still very aware of the fact that he was drunk because of the glazed over look in his eyes.

"I just don't feel done, y'know? I want something bigger than this, it's not enough." He murmured as he raked his fingers through his hair, the blonde just about to talk him out of it when Louis wrapped a thin arm around his shoulders, asking what was up. And of course, it didn't take much for Louis to convince his boyfriend and a little while later, Liam's second tattoo for the night was done.

Niall's eyes widened at the monstrosity of the tattoo that was now on Liam's forearm, four thick, black arrows all pointing in one direction. "It represents all of us and the fact that we're all on the right path in the same direction," Louis said proudly -- albeit the fact that his words were slurring slightly, speaking for his boyfriend as the rest of them stared down at the tattoo; Harry in excitement, Zayn in fondness, Louis in admiration and Niall in part awe and part _how the fuck am I gonna explain this to Liam in the morning._

After they paid the artist, with a generous tip and sloppy kiss on the cheek from Liam (who had ended up drinking a bit before his second one), they were off, Louis shouting something about a beach only a few minutes away from where they were.

Niall had no idea about the protocol when it came to drinking and getting tattooed but he could only hope that the rest of them weren't gonna kill him in the morning for supervising this shit show. And he would deny it to the ends of the earth if the fact that he was tearing up after seeing Liam's tattoo was ever mentioned by any of them.

"Babe," Niall heard from behind him, a faint smile adorning his lips at the sight of his ever beautiful boyfriend. "I love you," He murmured, an arm coming to wrap around Niall's tiny middle. The blonde said the words back and the smile that he got in return was blinding, all teeth and tongue. Niall still wasn't used to hearing those three words leaving the older's lips. Niall was the first to say it but Zayn had followed suit not long after. While the blonde was the kind to say the words whenever he so pleased, the older liked to reserve it for special occasions and it never failed to take his breath away. Thankfully, he seemed to have sobered up by a tiny bit, Niall figuring that the cool breeze of the beach would help as well.

The five of them found themselves on the beach a bit later, all surrounded around a forgotten bonfire presumably left by other beachgoers. Taking a quick glance around the circle, Niall felt his heart swell in complete adoration for the four boys that he had grown to love more than anything else.

Sitting opposite him were the star crossed lovers, Liam and Louis. They had gone through hell and back, but what was most important was the fact that they had gone through it together. They were both finally happy, opposites in every single sense of the word yet they were still perfect for each other. Niall had nothing but love for both of them and he knew that everyone around the couple were rooting for their relationship and he was more than glad to say that he was as well.

Next to them was Harry, one of the most amazing people that he had had the pleasure to meet. While Sean wasn't with them because he had gone home to meet his family, he'd be joining them shortly. Harry deserved the world more than anyone because he was just so kind and forgiving and Niall knew that he'd always have someone to count on when he needed it. And it meant the world to him that Zayn's best friend approved of him and their relationship.

And finally was the boy cuddled up to his side. Arguably the most beautiful and precious out of them, in Niall's eyes. He was flawless in every single sense of the word and was undoubtedly one of the best things that had ever happened to Niall. To say that he was smitten with Zayn would be the largest understatement of the century, because he honestly didn't think that there were any words that he could find to describe his true feelings towards the boy. Just as Liam and Louis, they had been through a lot together but the most important thing was that Zayn was slowly learning to overcome his fears and move on from his past to a future with Niall instead. And he was more than glad that he was able to be by his side through it all.

Louis had somehow managed to score a guitar from a group of people sitting a bit away from their group. After he was done fucking around with it for a bit, Niall took it and led Zayn to somewhere more secluded for just the two of them. Resting in the sand with his fingers intertwined with the older's, Niall felt the biggest surge of affection run through him.

"Took a few notes from ye' and wrote a song. Wanted ye' to hear it," Niall said with the softest smile on his lips, well aware that Zayn was still a bit tipsy. However he could perform the song for him as many times as he pleased in the near future so that wasn’t much of a problem.

They were illuminated by the faint glow coming from the full moon, the world around them quiet and peaceful, the pair feeling as if they were the only ones on that beach, the only ones left in the world, at that point.

It was pure luck that Louis had managed to pawn the guitar off of someone, and Niall was more than ready to use it to his advantage. He had written the song a while ago but was waiting for the perfect moment to unveil it -- the insecure part of him said that it was probably better to do so while the older boy wasn't completely sober because perhaps he wouldn't be as critical.

Little did Niall know that Zayn would absolutely fall in love with the song and ask him to sing it, over and over. Little did he know that Zayn would fall more and more in love with _him_ every day. Niall couldn't see into the future, but if he could, he'd know that Zayn would propose to him, just a few years after college was over and they had already moved in with each other. He would propose on this very day, simply because of how memorable it was for the both of them. He didn't know that Liam and Louis would stay together as well, just as different from each other as they were in the present but still perfect together in every single way. Harry and Sean would get together and break up numerous times, but in the end, it would all work out for the curly haired lad because he's a princess and gets whatever he wants. Little did he know that his five best friends would be attending their over the top wedding in just a few short years, and him and Zayn would be the happiest that they'd ever been up until that point. For now though, Niall simply looked into the eyes of the boy that he loved more than the world and begun to sing, strumming the guitar along as well.

" _Cause if the whole world was watching I'd still dance with you,_  
_Drive highways and byways to be there with you._  
 _Over and over the only truth;_  
 _Everything comes back to you._  
 _You still make me nervous when you walk in the room,_  
 _Them butterflies—they come alive when I'm next to you._  
 _Over and over the only truth,_  
 _Everything comes back to you,_  
 _Everything comes back to you_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes!!!!!! i know this was well overdue but once again i just lost all inspiration to write but i came back on here and read some ziall and realized how much i missed them and just started writing??? writing this story has been an incredible journey and i'm so so so super thankful for all the lovely commenters throughout the course of this work bc tbh you inspired me more than anyone!! still not a very good writer, not by a long shot, but this was great practice and i'm soo glad that i've made at least one person happy by this. :-) i don't think anyone that started this really comes back on here anymore or is still even reading but i will always be grateful to you for reading even a fraction of this!!!! :-) :-) :-) p.s i know cheesy ass (and random) epilogue but i just wanted my boys to be happy ok. :,)  
> ps there's probably a shit ton of plot holes and mistakes in this i know i know, might go back and edit them sometime so for now plz excuse the bad writing and missing gaps and whatnot!!


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